


To Keep A Secret

by purple_dolphin



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-23
Updated: 2012-08-29
Packaged: 2017-11-12 17:27:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 54,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/493829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purple_dolphin/pseuds/purple_dolphin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Hermione overhears something at the end of her fifth year she will take any road to keep a secret, even if it means asking her sixth year Defense Against The Dark Arts professor, Severus Snape for help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank; ms_nimue, expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> I would also like to thank patriciatepes for all the beautiful graphics she made for this story.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Severus opened the door to his classroom, slamming it behind him. Next was his office door, followed by locking and warding it. He sat at his desk, trying to calm his breathing. Leaning forward, he put his elbows on the desk, raising his hands and putting his head in them, lacing his fingers through his hair.

He had never thought at the time how one oath could damn him for all eternity. All he had wanted at the time was to save her, his Lily. Albus didn’t even keep his end of the bargain; he allowed Lily to die right along with her husband. But Severus stayed in his service, when he could have cut ties with the old wizard. Albus offered up Lily's son that needed protection, and then used how Potter had his mother's eyes to keep Severus in his service. Nothing at the time was mentioned how the boy looked exactly like James. No, Albus demanded protection for the boy, and he gave it.

He still thought that after all this time at least his life meant something to the headmaster, but nothing else mattered to the old man but winning against the Dark Lord – or so it seemed to him.

Damn Albus, and all his scheming, for making him do something that to him was unthinkable. Damn himself for being weak and going to Albus in the first place. He knew at the time that the Dark Lord would not spare Lily; he couldn't spare her and still keep the Purebloods happy. Damn himself for even overhearing the Prophecy and carrying it back to the Dark Lord to begin with.

It was a rather eye opening experience to find that the one person in this world whom he thought cared about him, didn’t care about a damn thing but winning at all cost. Albus had already cost him his soul in more ways than possible now; he was going to cost him his life as well.

To be so calm in asking someone to end your life; to order it done. Not that the old man cared about his soul; no, Albus was already sure that Severus was damned to hell for his past actions that he could make any request of him – even one that was going to put him in the middle of the snake pit, alone. No one would know that he didn’t want to do this any longer; they wouldn’t know later that he had fought Albus on this. 

Severus growled, pulling his fingers from his hair and slamming his fist down on the desk, making the items on the surface jump, causing the red ink well to fall, smashing on the stone floor. He looked over the side of the desk, watching as the blood red ink slowly created an expanding puddle on the floor.

Severus sat very still, watching the red ink expand further like blood, like all the blood he had spilled, and all that would be spilled. He finally let out the breath he had been holding. Then the betrayal of what he had been told to do washed over him like a wave. Standing, he swept all the items from his desk and growled again. He grabbed the corner of the desk, turning it over, before he picked up his chair, flinging it toward the wall. Then the other chair joined the first, resulting in broken pieces of wood – broken, like his once belief in humanity. Anything he could get his hands on was thrown toward a wall.

Minutes later, he was kneeling in the middle of the littered floor, breathing heavily.

He was truly alone.

****************

Hermione ran; she knew she shouldn’t have overheard what she had. She hadn’t even meant to; she was here under Madam Pomfrey's care only because she was still healing from the one particularly nasty hex at the Department of Mysteries. She only went to the Headmaster's office to obtain permission to enter the restricted section of the library. It had happened quite by accident, and she couldn’t unhear something like that. Unless… No, tomorrow she would start looking through the library for any books on Occlumency. If the headmaster could be so cold about his own death and ask someone to kill him so easily, he would have no problems with Obliviatingher either.

As she ran toward the Black Lake, she knew that she had to avoid the headmaster until she could hide from him the fact that she heard them in his office plotting his own death. That wasn’t right: what she had heard was the headmaster ordering Professor Snape to kill him when the time came.

When she was standing on the shore of the Lake, looking out over the water, she replayed in her mind what had been said. She still couldn’t believe that the headmaster, who had always seemed like the grandfatherly type, would ask someone to kill him even if he was dying. She wondered what other things he was keeping hidden from them… from Harry.

 _Harry_. If this went as they had planned, Harry would never forgive him and hate Professor Snape more than he did already. Why tell everyone for years to trust Professor Snape, and then force the Potions Master to do this? Why do that to someone on your side even if he was a spy? It would be like feeding him to the lions, making him go to them willingly… Hermione couldn’t even think about what would happen to him.

One fact she was sure of, was that she had to hide the knowledge of the conversation in her mind, and if she couldn’t find what she was looking for in the library or her books stores, then she would ask whoever was teaching Dark Arts this year for recommendations.

She would not let this happen, now she knew just how brave Professor Snape was, and she would hang on to that until the end of this war.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; ms_nimue, expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> I would also like to thank patriciatepes for all the beautiful graphics she made for this story.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Hermione spent the next month scouring every bookstore she knew, and had come up with nothing. She had only found two books and both were vague at best. Now her only course of action was to ask the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor for a list of books that she might have missed in her search.

She was surprised to find at the welcoming feast that they had new Professors in Potions and Dark Arts; Professor Snape had finally received the class he had always wanted according to the rumors. She also wondered how in the world she was ever going to ask him about books, given he was not the most approachable teacher in the castle.

She had finally talked herself into being straightforward with him and just asking after her first Defense class. She knew he would not be inclined to answer her questions, so she thought out her arguments carefully. She made a conscious choice not to be bullied by him over this. It was important, and she really did want to know how to perform the skill, for she no longer trusted the headmaster not to mess with her mind.

She received her schedule the next morning at breakfast, and it seemed she had Defense as the last class today. She only had to wait a few more hours, which she could use since of course she had to give herself pep talks all day to be prepared for  what she was going to ask of him after class.

She waited after Defense Against the Dark Arts to speak with Professor Snape, telling Ron and Harry to go ahead already. They gave her weird gazes, but left rolling their eyes when she said it had to do with more reading material. When the room was empty he said, "I don’t recall asking you to stay behind, Miss Granger."

"Sir, I would like to ask you a question; she said, standing very still. She didn’t want him to know how nervous she truly was. She didn’t know what would have been worse: having to ask Professor Snape, or some new Professor.

"Is it not enough that I have to answer your questions and put up with your insentient hand waving in class all the time? I do not feel the need to answer your questions. Now get out." Severus pinched the bridge of his nose; Merlin save him from the never-ending questions of this child.

"No. It's a simple question, and being the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, you are the only one who can answer my question." Hermione linked her hands together in front of her, for it would not do for him to see her fidgeting at the moment.

Severus stood. How dare she speak to him that way? Finally, he said,

"You insolent little girl, I will not be bullied like your friends." He leaned over his desk, placing his hands on the top so he could lean over her, hoping to intimidate her.

"Sir, it wouldn’t matter who was sitting in that chair at this moment, I would still have the question that I require an answer to. You do realize that if you had just let me ask, I would have been gone by now. Now can I ask my question?" He was her Defense Professor, and she supposed she could go to her Head of House and ask, but that would cause problems also, because she was sure that Professor McGonagall would refer her to Professor Snape to give her the answers she required.

"I will not--" He was cut off by the girl, and his nostrils flared at her outright audacity to interrupt him.

"I don’t care! Merlin, all I want to know is if the books in the library are the only ones on Occlumency or if maybe there are others you can recommend. I'm not asking for much of your time, just an answer." Hermione knew she was on thin ice, so to speak, but she needed this. She did not know how long she could keep from the headmaster's stare, and she wanted to remember this above all else.

"Helping Potter to try to obtain something that was already proven he is unable to learn?" Severus knew this was the most likely case.

"No, I want to learn it," she answered him honestly.

Severus stood straight; he was surprised by her answer, which led to him voicing a question that he had not meant to. "Why?"

"Don’t pretend you give a damn as to why. I just want to." Maybe she was growing up, but he didn’t scare her half as much as he used to. Then again, it could be that she had worked herself up for this and was not about to back down on something that was so important to her.

Severus studied her for several moments, trying to make her fidget, but it did not work: she stood her ground in front of him. 'Well,' he thought, 'maybe the girl is finally starting to grow up.' Finally, he said,  "Get out until you are prepared to answer my question first." Of course, he couldn’t let her get away with it; if he did, he would lose what control he had over her and the rest of his students.

"Fine. I overheard something I shouldn’t have, and if anyone finds out they will Obliviate me, and this information is something that I want to remember. So are you going to tell me or not?" She knew she was sounding stand-offish with him, but damn, it was a question that she absolutely needed an answer to.

"I am not concerned about what childish thing you think is so important--" She cut him off again; that was something he was going to have to squash from her. He was in a position that deserved respect, and he would have it.

"It's not childish, or anything about any of my friends. Believe me, I wish it was." She looked down at the floor, now worried that he would look into her mind and know what she had overheard. She really didn’t trust him not to Obliviate her either.

Severus watched her as she lowered her head, and the thought came to him that she was afraid that he would look into her mind like that to see what was so important to her. He wouldn’t; he really never had any desire to see into the mind of an adolescent.

"Why should I help you?" Severus asked, crossing his arms over his chest and staring down at her.

"Because you are the Defense Professor; it's your job to help me regarding matters of the subject you teach." Hermione looked up at him. She knew what he was doing, and she was not about to admit anything to him, since what she was trying to hide involved him.

"I don’t need some silly girl--" Again, she interrupted him.

"Sir, we could stand here for the rest of the day, and you can insult me or you could answer my question. It really is important." Why in the world would he not just answer her damn question? He was the professor, the one who was supposed to impart knowledge on students, and she was asking for a specific piece of information.

Severus wondered what she had overheard that made her so outspoken. Finally,  he said as he walked toward the bookshelf.  He had no idea what had made him change his mind about giving her the book; maybe it was the fact that she was adamant about wanting to know or the fact that she stood her ground with him not once giving into her temper.

"This book will get you started." He walked back over to where she was standing, handing her the book, but he didn’t let go until she looked up at him. He knew she was frightened, but not of him. There was something else, maybe the girl had overheard something at an Order meeting that she thought was important to keep hidden. He was startled to discover in that moment that if she wanted to learn Occlumency that badly, he could train her.

"Thank you, sir," Hermione said, turning toward the door. She hoped that this book was nowhere near as vague as the other two she had read on the subject. When she opened the door, he said, "Make sure you have read it by the time of your detention on Friday." He was not about to let her get away without punishment for her behavior today, but it was also an opening for him to instruct her on the art of Occlumency.

She smiled at him before closing the door.

He watched her walk out the door and thought it was the first time he ever knew a student happy to receive detention with him. Maybe she knew that he was going to instruct her without him telling her.

Hermione made it to the first floor before she leaned against the wall, trying to calm herself. She wasn’t sure that standing up to Snape had been smart, but it did produce results. She had thought that he was going to flay her alive for the way she spoke to him, but she had reasoned beforehand that only if she stood up to him, he would give in, and maybe even respect her some.

As she pushed off the wall, she thought of how daft that idea was, for she was a student, and Muggleborn. He wouldn’t find anything redeeming in her, but he had more or less offer to teach her what she needed to know, and it was more than she had hoped.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Hermione had devoured the book Professor Snape gave her twice before her detention on Friday night; it was somewhat less vague than the two books she had already acquired, but it still left something wanting. She knew from Harry that to perform Occlumency, you needed to empty and still your mind. That had been the point that Harry could not accomplish. Of course, now Hermione thought that was due to the fact that Harry didn’t like Professor Snape and was constantly trying to find fault with the man. How many times had Harry been told by the headmaster to trust the Potions Master? Yet, Harry would not listen. Though now she didn’t trust Professor Dumbledore, she'd come closer to trusting Professor Snape than the headmaster anymore.

She had come to the conclusion, after reading the book the first time, that it required a sort of mediation, and that was something she knew. Her mother has insisted that she go with her to lessons the summer before last; at the time, Hermione had thought it was a punishment and took time away from the reading she wanted to do. But as the class went on, Hermione discovered that some of the methods did help calm her mind before bed, and it were the same instructions used for Occlumency:  clear your mind; still your thoughts.

She had also concluded that Legilimency and Occlumency were more taught on a personal basis than from a book. Yes, she did understand that not everything could be learned from a book, but she wasn’t sure she was comfortable with the professor being in her mind. She worried that if he found the information she was trying to hide, he would Obliviate her, and then she wouldn’t know what the Headmaster required of Professor Snape or that the professor was on their side even if he committed the act of murder.

Would it really be murder? No, she didn’t think so– yes, it would be killing, and it would be premeditated, but the Headmaster had ordered him to. Having heard how distraught Professor Snape was that night, she was sure that it wouldn’t be murder. Hermione thought that murder required a deep hatred that could consume.

Hermione sat in the middle of her bed; she needed to calm her mind before ever entering detention with Professor Snape. She wasn’t sure, but she thought that somewhere along the was, he was going to instruct her in Occlumency, and if that was the case, then she needed a clear mind when she met with him to serve her detention.

*********

Severus sat in his office; why he even entertained the idea of teaching the girl Occlumency was beyond him. But he was certain that if she wanted to learn, she would. He never doubted her intelligence; just her choice in friends.

If he was honest with himself,  he found that he had gained a measure of respect for the girl, for she had lead Umbridge out to the Forbidden Forest and to a fate with the Centaurs. It was a very Slytherin thing to do in his mind, and he would never have thought her capable of such deception.

Of course, by the time Umbridge was back at the school demanding that Granger be brought up on charges, the student was laying in the Hospital Wing suffering from the aftereffects a hex. He hadn’t liked that any better than he had liked her and the Creevey boy being Petrified four years prior. Of course, there was also the fact that Dumbledore had used her in the Lake challenge for the Tri Wizard Tournament.

These were children, and though he had no love loss when it came to Gryffindors, it did not negate the fact that Dumbledore seemed to like to play so openly with their lives. These children thought they needed protection from him when in fact they needed it from the headmaster.

He had given a lot of thought to what the Headmaster had asked of him… demanded of him. Albus played with all their lives, all in the name of defeating the Dark Lord. But was it really worth winning at all cost? The old man was going to die for this cause and send him back into the snake pit for his trouble.

Was it really going to be worth the lives that would be lost in the end? These young men and women would be fighting a battle before this was over, and some would lose their lives to it. At seventeen, he had only understood that taking the Mark would get him away from his past and the bullies he put up with in school, and only four years later he had truly understood what he had done, and it had cost him most of his soul.

No, hadn’t been too proud to beg for Lily's life, it was years later that it dawned on him that Albus had not kept his end of the deal, and the boy was the only one to survive, and Severus was sure that was due to the prophecy, and not any concern for the child. He was even sure that his love for his former best friend was used against him by the Headmaster.

In the quiet years from the Dark Lord's downfall until Potter started school, Severus had had time to think about the past and all the things that had happened. He was sure that Albus was a great manipulator; he was even almost sure that he had been guided by the headmaster from the time he started school. That he was set up to become the spy that he now was, and that there was no thought given to him as a person. But, by the time he had figured that out, he was already bound by an Unbreakable Vow, and if he refused, it would mean death. So he carried on as he always had done: he went to meetings with the Dark Lord and reported to him the progress of the headmaster, reporting on the Dark Lord when he returned to Hogwarts. He hated the things he was required to do, but there was no choice, none at all.

He looked over at the clock, noticing the time; he had to stop these thoughts, for he was not able to change his lot in life anyway, and if giving Miss Granger lessons in Occlumency got under Albus' skin then so be it. Severus never understood why the Headmaster refused to have the girl taught, but he was adamant about her not learning the art and had forbid Severus from offering it to her. He had thought that maybe if she could learn it then she could instruct Potter to better shield his mind from the Dark Lord. Yes he was forbidden from offering to teach her, but he was not forbidden to teach her if she came to him asking about the art.

He straightened the items on his desk before moving to the classroom, where essays waited to be graded. He was going to try to unnerve her, though he didn’t think he would get very far, or at least he hoped he didn’t.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Hermione stood outside the door to the Defense classroom, giving herself one last pep talk before knocking. She knew she had set her hopes on him teaching her Occlumency, so she really didn’t know what she would do if he wasn’t going to. She took one last deep breath to center herself before she knocked on the door.

"Enter," she heard the muffled command from beyond the door.

Hermione let out the breath she was holding and placed her hand on the knob, turning it as she pulled the door back. Once she was in the room, she stood a distance from his desk waiting, trying to keep the smile from her face. She had guessed that he would do something like this to try and make her nervous; he was going to be in for a big surprise when he found out he was not going to achieve his goal.

Severus knew she was standing outside the door; the wards told him that. What he couldn’t figure out, was why she was hesitating to knock on the door. He knew he would wait her out, and when she did enter this room, he was going to test her to see how long she could keep herself in check while he graded essays. If he had to venture a guess, he would say it wouldn’t be long before she spoke to him. He didn’t think it would take long to wait her out.

He looked up through his lashes at her when she entered the room, noticing she looked calm. He wondered how long that would last– more than likely not long at all. He was sure that she had figured out he would teach her what she wanted to know, and he was sure her excitement at such a prospect would outweigh his ire at her speaking first.

Hermione only moved to shift her weight. She kept calm, thinking about the lessons she had learned that summer, and how handy they were coming in at this moment. She was not about to speak first; she wanted him to teach her how to defend her mind, and she would take anything he had to give to achieve that goal. This was very important to her, for she realized that the man sitting in front of her would have no one by the end of the war if he did what the headmaster wanted him to do. Though she was not about to think of herself as being anything other than a nuisance to him. Someone should know that he was going to commit an act on orders, and should be there to stand up for him in the end no matter how  vile his personality was.

Severus looked up from beneath his lashes to see that almost a half hour had passed, and he noticed nothing more than her shifting of weight. He guessed it was time to start, maybe he would make her nervous by the lessons and she would give up. He hoped that wasn’t the case, but he would try.

"Miss Granger," he said to her.

"Sir?" Hermione thought it was about time but wasn’t going to show it as she kept the calm demeanor she had had since she had opened the door.

Severus set his quill into its holder before looking up at her, asking, "Did you finish the book I loaned you?" It truly was the best place to start, though he knew the book bordered on being vague, it was the reason he had given it to her to read. He laced his fingers together, laying his hands on the desk as he asked her the question and waited for her answer.

"Yes, Sir," Hermione said as she bent down to retrieve the book from her bag.

"Did you find it informative?" he asked as she laid it on his desk.

"It was a little less vague than the other two books I've read on the subject, but it left me with more questions than answers." It was a straightforward, honest answer and caused Professor Snape to raise an eyebrow to her.

"I suppose now you are going to inundate me with a list of questions to take up my whole evening." He unlaced his fingers, then stood so he could tower over her, intimidation still an asset when dealing with students.

"Not really," she answered concisely; short answers were the key to gaining his help. He had berated her enough for her unending questions and hand waving.

"So you think you're ready to perform Occlumency?" he asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"No, I don’t think I'm ready," she said as she looked down at the floor, anywhere to avoid his eyes.

"Miss Granger, you will look at me." When she raised her head, he continued, "I am going to attempt to enter your mind…" he trailed off at her shaking her head wildly. He had no idea what she had overheard, but the look on her face told him that she was scared that he would find it if he came close to her mind.

"I'm not going to do more than see if you even have a base for me to waste my time with," he said to her as he took his wand in hand to perform the spell.

"Sir, I'm not ready for that yet." She pleaded with him, taking a step back; he might be the only one able to teach her this, but damn if he wasn’t intimidating.

"If you've followed the advice of the book, I shouldn’t be able to see anything other than calmness," Severus said, pointing the wand at her and whispering, "Legilimency."

To say Severus was surprised would have been an understatement, for he found nothing but a vast ice field. It reminded him of pictures he had seen of the Poles; nothing as far as the eye could see but snow and ice. It was a very good start, very good indeed. He could work with her; he could teach her this and hope if Potter was ever caught that she would be the one that was singled out because of her birth. He left her mind as quietly as he entered, and he closed his eyes briefly before finally looking at her. She started to speak before he could.

"I'm not good at it, am I? I wasn’t able to even calm myself. I don’t want to waste any more of your time, Professor," she said as she backed away from him.

Severus wished he knew where this self doubt came from, since she excelled in everything. Why would she think that she failed at this?

"Miss Granger, if you would allow me to speak." He paused before tucking his wand back up his sleeve, then saying, "If you truly want to learn to block your mind from the skilled Legilimens, then I will instruct you in this." He saw the smile that came to her face before saying, "You'll have to suffer the ridicule of your peers, for I foresee many detentions in your future," he said to her. It was the only warning she would receive from him that he was going to find problems with her work in his class. "Of course it would be in your best interest to also find yourself receiving these detentions for your behavior."

"Yes, Sir, she said, still smiling at him.

Severus shook his head before finally walking around to his chair before he said, "Miss Granger, for your outburst, you will serve an afternoon with me tomorrow. Be here at two o'clock." He sat back at his desk, going back to the essays he had been grading and not saying another word.

"Yes, Sir," she said as she resumed her place in front of his desk.

He waited another ten minutes before he dismissed her.

She was at the door when she said, "Professor Snape." He looked up to see her looking at him before she said, "Thank you." He watched as she opened the door and was gone before he could process what she had told him. He tried to remember the last time anyone thanked him for something, maybe Lily had. He didn’t know, but what he did know was that if Albus intended for himself to die at Severus' wand, Severus was going to go against the old man and train one of the trio in Occlumency, and maybe even Legilimency.

********

Hermione closed the door quietly before she stopped, leaning against the wall and taking deep breaths. She couldn’t believe that he was going to teach her, though he found a way to give a Gryffindor detention to do it. It didn’t matter to her, because she needed to learn this and fast if she had any hope in keeping the memory.

She pushed off the wall and started toward the staircase. She still couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that he was going to teach her Occlumency. She knew there was something in it for him, for he was Slytherin after all, but at the moment, she couldn’t puzzle out what that was. Fact was, she really didn’t care what his reason was as long as she was getting the lessons.

She knew that one day she would have to tell him what she wanted to hide, but hopefully that day was far into the future and he wouldn’t demand to know before the time was right. She would tell him, when he trusted her skills to keep his secret. Until that time, she would do what she must to keep anyone from finding out what she had overheard.

********************

Severus had been quite impressed with the Gryffindor girl last night, but the feeling was soon replaced when he was called to the Headmaster's office. The old man spent over an hour reiterating facts Severus already knew, and enforcing the promises that were made in what seemed a lifetime ago.

The one thing that the Headmaster brought up that surprised him was the fact that he was not to offer to teach Potter's two friends Occlumency. He wondered now what Albus knew, Granger had came to him, and asked about books on the subject but she hadn’t come out and asked him to teach her. That was something he was going to have to rectify soon, it would do no good not to have a lie based in truth if he was discovered teaching her.

His resolve to teach the Granger girl the skill was only enforced by this last meeting for one reason or another. He entered his chambers, going straight to the kitchenand setting water to boil for a cup of tea. He was sure that all of his colleagues thought he drank every night by the amounts of alcohol he received at Christmas and for his birthday from them. Fact was, he never touched more than the occasional glass of wine at supper, so he wondered why they thought he would consume alcohol when most of them had taught him and knew that his father was an alcoholic. He would never tell any of them but they made nice gifts for people he was suppose to impress on the other side of his life and he wasn’t out any funds.

He sat in his chair before the cold fireplace, making his plans for the next day: he was going to start instructing Miss Granger, but now that was on hold. He needed to obtain a few ingredients for his personal Potions stores and planned on having her help him. It would take them away from the castle, where he could inform her of what she had to do on her end to keep up the charade. He needed her to ask him outright to teach her, so if this all came back to bite him in the arse, he could honestly say that he never offered but that she made valid points as to why she needed the lessons and he had happened to agree with her reasoning.

She had to learn quickly, but he also knew that he wouldn’t be able to have lessons with her unless infrequently. If he gave her too many detentions, then it would draw attention to what they were doing, and he didn’t want that and he was sure she didn’t either.

He smirked to himself as he readied for bed; he almost felt like a misbehaving child in going against Albus' wishes in this, but at the moment he couldn’t find it within himself to give a damn.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Hermione stood outside the Defense classroom, her cloak draped over her arm, and she thought again about the short note that she received that morning at breakfast, informing her to bring her winter cloak to detention. She took several deep breaths to clear her mind and center herself before knocking on the door. When she heard the command to enter from the other side of the door, she stepped through, walking to stand in front of his desk, waiting. It was only a short time before Professor Snape said, "I see you’re ready. Follow me." He stood, leading her out of the classroom and down the hall to the front doors.

Once on the grounds, she finally found her voice,  asking, "Sir, what are we doing?" She had thought that he was going to teach her how to protect her mind.

Severus slowed his strides so he could speak quietly to her, allowing her to catch up to him. He kept the slower pace to answer her question. "For your detention, Miss Granger, you will help me gather ingredients for my personal use." He kept his eyes straight ahead,  but he could almost feel her disappointment. Once they reached the gate, he said, "Put on your cloak, because it will be cold where we are going." He watched as she flung the wool fabric over her shoulders then clasped the neck before he said, "Take my arm, and do not let go."

Hermione was surprised by his command, but a second later, her hand was on his right forearm, and he Disapparated them away.

When the world righted itself again, she looked around to find herself standing on the side of a mountain: the view was breathtaking  with taller mountains raising up and snow covered trees around them.

A moment later, realizing that she still had her hand on his arm, she let go, saying, "This place is beautiful." She hated the breathy sound of her voice in this moment, but the view was almost a once in a lifetime experience.

Severus looked around him; he had never noticed before. This was just one of many places he had visited to gather ingredients, and it was the only reason he even came here. Did he ever look at the side of this mountain as more than just that? He didn’t think so, but as he looked around,  he could see the beauty of this place.

"Miss Granger, we are here to gather Wild Snow Dragon Snaps, not gawk at the view." He tried to keep most of the edge out of his voice.

Hermione turned, looking at him before finally moving to look under the pine trees that were a few feet down the path.

They had worked quietly together for some time before she finally asked, as she placed another plant into the container he brought, "Sir, why wild ones? I know Professor Sprout grows these in the greenhouses." Hermione was curious as to the reason he would come here to gather something that could be had collected at the school.

Severus stood before finally answering her as he removed the gloves he had been wearing, "The Wild Snow Dragon Snaps are more potent," he stated.

Hermione turned to face him before saying, "No, they're not."

Severus knew the girl was too smart and that he would have to have this conversation with her to push her in the direction he needed her to take. He walked over to the next tree, kneeling before saying, "You are correct; there is a reason why I brought you here, Miss Granger. I'm sure you know the castle has ears." He turned his head to see her reaction to this, but when she just stared at him, he continued. "Surely  you know that nothing is or can stay private for long."

"You mean the ghosts and portraits."

"Yes, I do, and that is the reason we are here where no one is likely to overhear what I have to say." He stood, giving up on the gathering to speak to her. "Though I appreciate your subtlety last evening, I now need you to ask in your Gryffindor fashion for me to teach you Occlumency." Hermione opened her mouth, but he stopped her with a look. "Not here, but back in the classroom."

"Why?" she asked.

"That I cannot tell you at this time, he said as he turned to shrink the container holding the plants.

Hermione stopped her movements as she thought about this: she couldn’t tell him at this moment why she had to learn to protect her mind, so was it fair to expect him to tell her why he needed her to ask? Finally, she asked the one question that came to mind, "This is not some game to pull one over on me is it?"

Severus watched her for several moments before saying, as he stepped closer to her, "No, I am going to teach you how to protect your mind from all invasions. The Headmaster, the Dark Lord and myself. Once that is accomplished, I will allow you to have this memory back."

He heard her gasp; it had never entered her mind that he would Obliviate her of this.

"So why not tell me if you're just going to take the memory from me?" She might not like it, but if what he revealed needed to remain hidden, then she could see the reasoning. She crossed her arms over her chest as she stared at him.

Severus knew she was too smart, did he really want to tell a sixteen year old girl that she was going to used in a game with the Albus. To show the old wizard that he was not going to have control over some small part of his life.

"No, you just need to know that I require you to ask me to teach you. In time, you will learn why, just as in time I expect you to tell me what memory you are trying to hide from the headmaster and myself. Just know that what you want to accomplish furthers one of my own ends." Hermione was about to scream, for he was telling her something without telling her. She just didn’t have any idea what that was. Her thoughts were interrupted when he said, "Also as to not rouse suspicion, you are going to have to get yourself into trouble with your other professors, though not so much that you are being put into detention a lot but enough so that when I do hand out one to you for your lessons, it does not raise suspicions."

Hermione mulled over this before finally saying, "If you take this memory from me, how will I remember to do that?" she asked.

"We will be having this same conversation after you ask me to teach you." He stated as he stepped closer to take them to the next destination.

Hermione didn’t know what to think of this, but she had a strong feeling she was being used in some kind of game. One she didn’t know of and was sure of the rules wouldn’t matter to her in the slightest. But there was the fact that doing this furthered her own ends, so was that enough to justify playing by his rules for now? She wanted to remember what the headmaster had asked of Professor Snape; she wanted to know that he was not the terrible man Harry and Ron insisted he was. Yes, she would go along with this and hope that he would tell her the truth in time.

"Would you swear to me that you'll tell me your reasoning when I'm ready?" she asked, hoping that he would, but knowing that he most likely wouldn’t.

"Do you require a wand oath?" he sneered at her, the tone of voice and the look on his face telling her more than the words he spoke did.

"No, but I don’t like being kept in the dark as much as you don’t. No one does, and I just want to know that when you are satisfied that I can hide the truth, you will tell me what that is." She stood still, projecting the calm that she really didn’t feel as she linked her hands in front of herself, looking up into his very dark brown eyes. She was struck by the thought that she had always assumed they were black.

Severus could concede her point; no, he didn’t like to be kept in the dark, and Albus was a master at keeping many details from him. He looked down at her, it would be so easy at the moment to delve into her mind and find what she knew or thought she knew. But he would refrain, for something was different about her this year. Maybe it was the hex she had received at the Department of Mysteries, but she was calmer than he remembered her being.

Yes, she was much more reserved now; maybe that experience had taught her that you should not rush into places where you do not know or understand what could happen. If he was honest with himself, she was starting to remind him of his Slytherins,  but he squashed that idea quickly as it came. "Very well, I will tell you when the time is right."

Hermione smiled; maybe there was something to being subtle, though she had to work on it. "Thank you, Professor."

"Take my arm, for we need to move on."

*********

Once they returned to the school and his classroom, Hermione stood in front of his desk for several moments before asking, "Professor Snape, I would like to learn Occlumency. Would you teach me?"

She looked nervous to him and was fidgeting, and he wondered if it was nerves or just an act to make it seem real if anyone bothered to look, or more so if Albus looked to find why he was teaching a forbidden subject to her. "Why would you like to learn such a subtle art–to help Potter in his quest to shield his mind from the Dark Lord?" he asked; they had not discussed this part, and he hoped that she would understand and not tell him what she had the other day.

"No, Sir, it's just that… well, if something happens and I am captured or if Harry, Ron and I are, well it seems likely to me that they would try to rape my mind as they would think that because I'm Muggleborn I would be the weakest." Hermione bit her bottom lip to show that she was nervous about asking her dreaded professor for such lessons and that maybe her argument wasn’t sound enough.

When Severus saw her pull her bottom lip between her teeth, it dawned on him that he had not seen her do that at all this term. That was when he knew that she was giving a show to whoever his memories were for.

"You are most likely correct in your assessment, but I have demands on my time, Miss Granger, that do not allow me to take on students for private lessons." This also was something they had not talked about, because he had wanted her honest reaction to his statement. He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest and waiting for her reply.

"Sir, if… What do you want?" she asked, not knowing if this was a game with him or maybe he was looking for a reason to free up his time along with hers to have the lessons.

"There is nothing you have that I could possibly want," he told her, furrowing his brows and hoping that she would offer something.

She moved from foot to foot again before saying, "I'll grade first and second years essays, so that would free up some of your time, Sir." She hoped this was the right answer.

Severus pretended to contemplate this as he raised an eyebrow to her, for this was the exact action he had wanted from her, and then he could say yes and if Albus found out, then he would have a story to spin about meetings with the Dark Lord taking more and more of his time and that he thought it a fair trade. He also had her asking, so he could honestly say he did not offer the lessons to her. "Very well, Miss Granger. Return here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." He sat forward, picking up his quill to mark another terrible essay as she left the classroom at his cue.

When she returned a minute later, she asked when she reached his desk, "Will that work?"

"Of course; you’re a better actress than I ever gave you credit for. Now just remember that you need to keep up that act in front of the Headmaster also."

"I will," she said as she turned to leave, for she had told him that she didn’t want to know the Obliviate was coming. Now was his chance to erase the memory of his request from her mind.

He stood before casting the spell, and when she started to fall, he grabbed her, moving her to a desk. Yes, he wasn’t about to let her hit the ground when there was no reason for it. He went back to his desk and began again on the essay.

Hermione woke to find herself sitting at the desk with her head down, and she wondered how she had gotten there when she heard Professor Snape say to her, "Miss Granger, if you are to grade for me, I will expect you to stop missing meals."

Hermione was mildly confused at his statement, but she did remember offering to grade for him so he would teach her. She stood, throwing her bag over her shoulder before saying, "I will not, Professor," and when she reached the door, she said to him. "Thank you for agreeing to teach me."

She was again gone before he had a chance to answer her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Hermione sat on her bed with her planner in front of her. She was trying to work out her schedule. She would be assisting Professor Snape on Tuesdays and Thursdays so she could have him teach her Occlumency.  She also had her rounds as a Prefect on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and every other weekend.   __

She had spoken out in his class today to earn a detention, and she was hoping that she could convince him to allow her to apply to assist him so that she could keep from having detentions on her record. Of course she was under no delusion that Professor Snape cared about what her school record contained. But, when this whole war was over and she was able to lead a normal life again, she wanted to be able to bring with her a good record sheet.

Sighing, she closed the book and lay back on her bed. Her hand absently went to the scar across her chest; it had been almost four months since the battle at the Department of Mysteries, and the scar still pained her sometimes. She didn’t mind much though; it taught her a valuable lesson. None of them were safe, not her, her parents, or her friends, not from that kind of evil. She had to find a way to protect her parents, and do more to help Harry defeat Voldemort.

Turning on her side she thought there was something that Professor Snape wasn’t telling her, but it wasn’t like he was the most open person in the world. She had figured out it had to do with him teaching her Occlumency - she just wasn’t aware of what that was.

Once she was comfortable she started clearing her mind. She had been keeping the same routine for the last week, since she had read it in the book Professor Snape had lent her. She didn’t find it difficult to drift off to sleep once she calmed her mind of the questions that were still running rampant.

************

Severus was sitting across from the Headmaster, having just returned from a meeting with the Dark Lord.

"The Dark Lord was the same. He allowed the Death Eaters to work themselves up about Muggleborns and Muggles, then set them loose." Severus leaned back in the chair. The Dark Lord knew how to make a group of Purebloods want to go out and cause havoc, he gave him that.

"So, no targets." Dumbledore stated as he laid his left hand over his right, hiding the blackness that seemed to have spread just a little further in the last few months.

"No, just random attacks. You realise it is only going to get worse until he has them ripe to take over the Ministry and this school." Severus told him as he threaded his fingers together, laying them on his stomach.

"He will get his wish, for however short it will be." Dumbledore looked up into the younger man’s eyes, and thought, not for the first time, that he was keeping something from him. "Severus, what are you not telling me?"

Severus stood quickly, going to look out the window that faced the Quidditch Pitch before saying,

"Nothing." Severus knew the old wizard didn’t want the details of what took place, of what he was forced to do, and endure at these meetings with the Dark Lord. "You do not want to hear what I have to say." He told his employer as he stared out into the night.

"Severus." Albus knew this mood.  He’d seen Severus falling into this pit more frequently in the last few months. "There is a reason for everything."

"Of course, let us hope that you will remember that." Severus was tired, so very tired of keeping everything together. His thoughts travelled to Miss Granger, and the lessons that he was starting with her tomorrow. He would give the Headmaster back these words when it was discovered what he was doing.

"Why don’t you go to bed, Severus?" Albus looked at him, concerned about his spy, and his sudden quietness.

"Of course," Severus said, spinning from the window to the door. "Goodnight, Headmaster."

The door was shut before Albus could reply. They didn’t understand, none of them, even his spy, he thought. Everything he was doing was to make this world safe. He would do what he must.

******

Severus waited for Miss Granger to join him. He knew it wouldn’t be long before attacks would be launched at Potter's friends, especially Miss Granger.  Being a Muggle-born put her within the Dark Lord's sights. Of course Draco didn’t help matters, complaining about how smart she was, that she was besting him in most of his classes, or how powerful she was.

The Dark Lord hated hearing how a lowly Mudblood was the most powerful witch in her year. None of them understood that how pure your blood was not a prelude to you being inundated with magic. If that were the case the amount of Squibs born would be zero.

A knock at the door drew him out of his thoughts.

"Enter," he said, as he picked up his quill to grade the essay on his desk.

Hermione sether bags on a desk and went to stand in front of him. She knew that he would test her patience, but she would not allow him to ever know how nervous she was about these lessons. She had also wanted to speak to him about an idea she had, but she would wait until she was acknowledged.

Severus didn’t wait as long as he had before; she had demonstrated that she could be patient. He finished the essay on his desk before looking up saying,

"Miss Granger, take a seat."

Hermione walked around to the desk, sitting before she approached the subject she wanted to before her lesson.

"Professor, I would like to ask you about something." She folded her hands in front of her, projecting a calm that she really didn’t feel at the moment.

Severus stood, walking around his desk to stand in front of where she was sitting with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Speak." He commanded.

"I was thinking last night that, instead of a list of detentions that would be recorded on my school record, perhaps I could apply to be your student assistant?" She didn’t look at him, but neither did she fidget.

Severus watched her as he thought over her question. Yes, he knew her school record was important to her. The problem was he usually gave that particular honour to one of the Slytherins, usually Death Eater's children. Though if it would give them more time for her Occlumancy lessons, instead of two days a week it would be three, and one weekend day every other week. It was a good idea, but she would have to be approved by either the Headmaster or Deputy Headmistress. He could not see Minerva allowing it to happen. Finally he said to her,

"Though I can see your point in that idea, I do not believe your Head of House would allow you to follow through with it."

She looked up at him before saying,

"Don’t be so sure. She's known for a couple of years now that I would like to improve in Defence, but that the professors we've had left a lot to be desired." Hermione hoped that he would, at the very least allow her to apply.  The worst that could happen would be that it was denied by the Headmaster.

"You do realise, Miss Granger, that I will not be able to accept without considerable argument. It is what is expected after all." Yes, he could put up a fight about it, but it was only for a term, and he could say that the Headmaster forced him to accept her. He could spin this to his favour with the Dark Lord.

"I did think of that, Sir." Hermione was almost jumping with joy on the inside. He had not dismissed the idea outright, which she took to mean that he was giving her idea consideration.

"Very well." Severus moved to his desk, taking out the form for her to apply. "You will need to file a copy with the Headmaster," he said, walking back around the desk handing it to her.

"Yes, thank you, Professor." She took the parchment, and put it in her bag.

Severus leaned on his desk before saying,

"In this lesson I am going to enter your mind. I do not want you to make any attempts to block your memories from me." When she looked up at him, her eyes widened. "I want you to be aware of what my presence feels like in your mind, but I will not search further than your memories of Defence class today." Whatever she wanted to hide was important to her, though he still didn’t think it more than a schoolgirl’s flight of fancy.

Hermione knew that she should trust him.  He seemed almost calm in his explanation, nothing in the way Harry described his lessons to her. She tried to calm her mind, but he was inside before she could quiet her thoughts.

Severus felt how nervous she was the moment he entered her mind, he pulled out immediately.

"You will have to still your mind at all times, Miss Granger."

"I realise that.   I just wasn’t ready." She hadn’t been either, she had not taken the time before coming in this room to calm her mind.

"You must always be ready to face an invasion of your mind. Do you think the Headmaster will warn you before hand?" Severus knew the girl was smart, and more than likely knew this already.

"No I do not, I just…" she trailed off, knowing that he would want her explanation of why she wasn’t ready tonight. "Can I have two minutes?" she asked, not sure that he would allow this.

"Very well, but that is all." He turned, going to his office; he had a book that he wanted her to read.

When he returned he stood before her, and without warning slipped into her mind. He was surprised by how calm she was now. This time he saw a vast expanse of the night sky, he pulled out of her mind again before saying,

"Miss Granger, you need to choose one calm place."

"I realise that, sir. I just don’t know which one I would like better yet, and you did say that you just wanted me to know what a presence in my mind felt like." She didn’t have any inflection to her words, she just had about four pictures in her mind of calmness, and she couldn’t decide which she preferred. "What is yours?" she asked, sure the he wouldn’t tell her.

Severus knew that to be successful in this venture he should tell her, but he handed her the book saying,

"Read this first, and I will see you on Friday." He turned, walking to his desk when she replied,

"I thought I was to grade essays, Professor." She didn’t want to end this lesson so soon.

"You will be doing enough of that once you are my student assistant. Now leave." He sat at the desk, when he heard her quiet 'goodnight', and the door close. He pinched the bridge of his nose, his head was pounding. The girl had no idea that once she calmed her mind she had a defence that was unconscious, but a powerful one. Opening the drawer he took out a migraine potion, downing it before closing his eyes to allow it to take effect before he went back to grading.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

  
Hermione was called to Professor McGonagall's office during her free period the next day. Once she was seated her Head of House asked, "Are you sure about this, Miss Granger?" She had that pinched, worried look that she always seemed to have when it came to Professor Snape.

  
"Yes, I am." Hermione said, projecting a confidence that she didn’t feel at the moment.

  
"I just… I had thought that you would apply for Charms or Transfiguration first. You are aware that Professor Snape will more than likely deny this."

  
"Professor, I do believe that my OWL scores speak for themselves. I would like to know my options before I make a decision on what I am going to do with my life. The best way to find what I'm suited for is to be a student assistant in my top four classes."

 

Hermione's top four OWLs had been in Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, and Defence, in that order. If the witch across from her asked, she was going to say that she was going from lowest to highest. Her only problem was that she did not really want to be Professor Slughorn's assistant next term, but she would do what she must to learn Occlumency.

  
"I don’t understand, there are more… personable professors than Professor Snape that you could be an assistant for."

  
"If I can be honest, Professor Snape is brilliant. I shudder to think if it were Lockhart, or Quirrell, or even Umbridge teaching Defence. I feel that it would be a superb experience to be his assistant."

  
Professor McGonagall studied her for a long time before she finally said, "Very well, your application will be passed on, and you should know by Monday morning."

  
Hermione smiled, inside she was screaming 'yes', but she kept her calm demeanour as she thanked the professor before leaving her office.

  
**********************

  
"Absolutely not." Severus said, standing to pace the Headmaster's office, he at least had to put on a good show.

  
"Severus," Minerva addressed him, "Miss Granger is a highly intelligent student, you could not ask for anything better in an assistant."

  
"Miss Granger is a hand waving, text book spouting, know-it-all that will do nothing but ask questions for the entire term." He turned, walking back toward the door. Neither Minerva nor the Headmaster noticed the smirk on his face.

  
"Severus," the Headmaster said, "I do believe it is time for you to consider a student outside your own house for an internship. You will have Miss Granger in this role for at least this term." Albus had spoken as if this was his final word on the subject; when Severus turned he saw the look the Headmaster gave him. So there was more to this than what they were telling him.

  
"Is that an order?" Severus asked, needing it to be so when he gave his explanation to the Dark Lord so it would be believable.

  
"It is my final word on the subject on Monday you will have Miss Granger for an assistant." The Headmaster's features were stern.

  
"Very well, but when she quits I will return to tell you that I told you so."

  
Severus swept out of the room without a glance back, when he was on the stairs moving downward he allowed himself a small smile. Albus, for his all knowing self, had no idea that he had just been played by one of his favoured Gryffindors.

  
***********

  
Hermione closed the book, staring at the cover. She understood that she needed her mind calm to block intrusion, but to also know when it happened. She sighed; she was going to be in for a rough time if she couldn’t calm her mind more.

  
She lay down, going through the exercises that she had learned in meditation class with her mum. Of course they focused more on letting go of negative emotions; this was more like calming all emotions to block your mind.

  
She understood the theory; it was practicing that theory that was leaving her unsettled. If she thought Professor Snape would answer her, she would ask how he calmed his emotions. He seemed angry all the time, like he carried no other emotions with him but anger, hate, and loathing.

  
She closed her eyes taking deep breaths; she was not going to worry about that now. She needed to calm her own mind.

  
*********

  
Hermione was informed at breakfast on Monday morning that she would be Professor Snape’s assistant for this term, starting this evening. She kept her face neutral until she left the Great Hall. She wondered how much of a fight Professor Snape put up with the Headmaster before he agreed.

  
When she walked into his classroom he didn’t look up from the parchment on his desk, never addressed her, the only thing he said was, "Take those scrolls, and you may begin."  
Hermione faltered in her steps toward his desk, but she did agree to grade essays so she walked to his desk, taking the stack. When she turned she noticed the boy sitting at a desk at the back with his head down. She sat at her desk, unrolling the first essay.

   
By the time she was grading the fifth one she was mumbling under her breath about what children were being taught, causing Severus to smirk. He looked up at her through his hair, that had fallen around his face, to see a scowl on her face, and her furiously, writing on the essay before her. The thought that came to him was that she would more than likely make a good assistant. It was too bad that her training would not allow her to be a true assistant to him.

  
"Mr. Penrose, you may go," he said to the boy sitting at the back of class. He watched as the boy scurried out of the room.

  
Once the door was closed Severus warded it to set off an alarm to him if someone neared. Finally he saw Hermione grading the last essay. He watched her for several moments, her loose curls, falling around her face. He stood going over to her desk, picking up one of the essays, reading over her comments. He would still have to check them all, but if this one was anything to go by, he was sure that he wouldn’t have to check her much longer. Her remarks were parallel to his, it would seem that she did not suffer dunderheads lightly either.

  
When she finished he leaned against his desk before asking, "Did you finish the book?"

  
He watched as she looked through her bag, taking out the book, handing it to him before answering. "Yes, I found it… enlightening." Severus took the book, laying it on his desk before taking a step toward her.

  
When he turned to face her, he whispered the spell and entered her mind quietly. He wanted her to know that, even though the Dark Lord would plough into her mind like a heard of Hippogriff, the Headmaster, on the other hand would slip in quietly, not intruding into her conscience mind. This she would have to know to be able to block him.  
When he finally found himself shoved out of her mind he watched as she stood, moving away from him, her next words came, he knew from being surprised to find him quietly in her mind.

  
"You bastard," she hissed at him as she moved to the back wall. She needed as much distance between them as possible at the moment. She felt violated in a way that she never thought possible. She had not expected him to enter her mind as he did, and she had no idea how long he had been there before she noticed it.

  
Severus glanced at the clock on the desk before turning back to Hermione. He saw that he had frightened her. He knew that it couldn’t be helped, but he still didn’t enjoy doing such a thing to her as he had last year when he was teaching Potter.

  
"Six minutes, you did better than I expected. I apologize for not warning you, but if you think the Headmaster is going to give you a warning before he enters your mind, you are mistaken." He crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for her to make the next move.

  
Hermione was shocked that he complimented her, and apologised. She wrapped her arms around her stomach, before she finally took a deep breath, letting it out slowly saying, "That was strange." After another moment she said, "Sir, I apologise for what I called you."

  
"I will make exceptions… for a short time." He knew what it was like to have your mind entered as such, and he would allow her a small leeway for now. "Do not think that it will be an excuse for anywhere but at these times, in this room."

  
"Yes, sir," she said as she walked back to her chair.

 

Once she was seated he said, "Now, I will enter your mind to find if you have calmed your thoughts enough to start."

  
When he entered her mind he stood on a lake shore. Slowly the lake started freezing over, as if a Dementor was close. He pulled out of her mind, looking at her.

 

Before he could ask she said, "I put what I didn’t want you to see in the lake and then froze it to keep it safe."

  
Severus was surprised. She had gathered more from the book than he thought she would, and it was a very good start-one that he never thought her capable of.

  
"Is the lake a memory?" he asked, wondering if she deduced that a real memory would make the hidden ones harder to find.

  
"Yes, my grandparents took me there, and Grandma would stand on the shore with me, telling me about the life under the water." She gave a small smile at the memory.

  
Severus watched her smile at some memory he wasn’t privy to. He knew that for her to really learn this art, he was going to have to make a calm environment. Of course he didn’t hold the anger and distain for her that he had for Potter. He hadn’t wanted to teach the boy in the first place, so he made the lessons as unpleasant as possible. There was also the time constraint they were up against, but when the boy looked into his pensive he, at the time, didn’t give a damn if the Dark Lord took over Potter's mind.

  
He came out of his thoughts to see Miss Granger staring at him with a thoughtful look on her face. He pre-empted any questions with, "That will be all for now Miss Granger, you may go. Keep training your mind to be still. Also expect invasion at any time. This should become natural to you if you want anyone to believe it."

  
He watched as she gathered her things, but before she looked up, he dropped his head to the essay on his desk.

  
"Thank you, Professor," she said before leaving his classroom.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

As the weeks passed Severus was surprised by the progress Miss Granger made, both in grading essays and in Occlumency. She was a quick study on the subject; of course, he had not expected anything less. She was now able to tell he was in her mind in less than two minutes. He found himself admitting that he was finding enjoyment in teaching her; it was very different than attempting to teach Potter.

Tonight he was planning to delve deeper into her mind. He knew that she would be upset, especially since he wasn’t going to inform her of this.  As he knew from his own vast experience, having someone in your mind like that could be very violating. The Dark Lord did the same to him every time he stood before him.

He watched as she came into the classroom, walking to his desk and taking the stack of scrolls lying there. It was routine now; he left the first and second year essays there for her to grade. He found that she easily accepted that they were to be graded before he would instruct her. She graded them efficiently, and her comments were close enough to his that he didn’t have to go over them any longer.

When the burning pain came to his forearm he hissed. Hermione looked up, saying, "Sir?"

Severus looked at her as he grabbed his left arm, standing. "Go back to your common room." He went up to his office to retrieve his robes.  As he walked back to the classroom he saw her still there, looking at him wide-eyed.

"Leave," he spat at her as he headed toward the classroom door.

"I'll finish these, Professor," she said quietly.

Severus turned to look at her.  He knew he had to be quick, or the pain in his arm would double. He saw the concern on her face; it took him back that she would even care. Since he had been giving her lessons he had odd times when he would forget that she was a Gryffindor, she acted so much like a Slytherin at times. Now he saw it plainly on her face - they couldn’t hide their emotions.

"Lock the door when you leave," he said before leaving the room. On his way to the gate he wondered for a moment if she would still be in his classroom when he returned. He buried the thought quickly; it wouldn’t do to be caught with such thoughts.  There had to be no room for kindness within him.  He had known this the day he’d become a spy.

Hermione watched him leave the classroom. She knew where he was going, and she hated it. She knew that he was Headmaster Dumbledore's spy, but still, he was walking into the snake pit with only his own abilities for protection.  She shook her head as she turned back to the essays on her desk, trying to settle her mind, and avoid thinking of where he was going.

**********

Severus arrived in a clearing. Walking up to the makeshift throne the Dark Lord was seated on, he knelt and kissed the hem of his robes before sitting back on his heels, waiting for the command to rise and join the other Death Eaters.

"Severus, how kind of you to join us," the Dark Lord said, rising, and Severus knew that tonight was not going to end well for him. "Tell me why." Severus hated when the Dark Lord left questions open, as he really didn’t know what answer he wanted. Of course that was the Dark Lord’s plan; if Severus didn’t answer, or gave the wrong answer, then he would be in for a bad night. Finally he decided on a respectful, "My Lord?"

"Why must I spell it out for you?" The Dark Lord walked around him, and Severus kept his head down, knowing that the megalomaniac would force his way into his mind to find the information he wanted  When the Cruciatus cursehit him in the back he was surprised. This was a new tactic, one that he fought off as best as he could, even though his body felt as if it was on fire. When the spell ended he slumped forward, but somehow kept on his knees. __

"Now, Severus, why is your student assistant not a child of one of the faithful?"

Severus drew in ragged breaths, trying to order his thoughts so that he could answer, "My Lord, the Headmaster ordered it so." He took in a deep breath, hoping that this would be the end of it, but knowing that he would be in for more.

"Why would he order the Mudblood friend of Harry Potter to be your assistant?" The Dark Lord was now standing in front of him.

Severus sat up a little, but was still slumped over when he answered. "I do not pretend to know his mind, my Lord." He felt the claw like hand on his chin, his head being raised to the Dark Lord. The entry into his mind was not in any way slight; it was a violation that Severus suffered on Dumbledore’s orders. The Dark Lord tore though his mind, or at least the memories that he wanted the snake like man to know, until he found the memory of the Headmaster ordering Severus to take Miss Granger on as a student assistant, even the memory of the copy of her OWLs that Minerva had made him look at. He wondered for a moment how the Dark Lord would take the news that a mere Muggleborn scored higher in most classes than any of his followers’ children, but the thought didn’t stay long because the Dark Lord was looking for something else. Severus assumed that it was memories of her assisting him.

When he was released he slumped to the ground to be hit with the curse again. When it was lifted he heard the Dark Lord close to his ear demanding, "You will ensure that no Mudblood ever scores that high again."

Severus wondered how in the hell he was supposed to do that, given that the tests were administered by the Ministry and not the school.

Severus heard the pops of Apparition as he lay on the ground. What felt like moments later, his eyes popped open to a dark, empty field. He had no idea how long he had been there, but he needed to get back to the school.

Digging in his robe pocket he pulled a potion out, downing it in one go. He had to brew stronger potions to combat the Cruciatus every few months; this was going to kill him, he knew it. Finally, he was able to get to his feet, and Apparate back to the school.

The Headmaster met him at the entrance. "Severus."

"Headmaster."

"You look no worse for wear," the Headmaster commented as they walked toward the dungeon.

"Why should it matter if I do?" Severus was tired - he had not been sleeping well in the last few weeks, as nightmares of what was to come assaulted him.

  1. "Severus." It was a tone that Severus had heard before, one that told him not to     question the old wizard.



"He only wanted to know why one of the children of the faithful was not my assistant this term," Severus answered as they reached the steps. "He has ordered me to make certain that no Muggleborn ever achieves scores higher than children of the faithful on OWLs again."

"He is becoming increasingly unhinged - he is aware that you have no control over this school. The tests are not even administered by us."

"It will not matter soon," Severus said as he descended the steps to his rooms.

Hermione had hidden herself well, since she wanted to know that Professor Snape came back unhurt. Upon seeing him, she knew he wasn’t well. The Headmaster didn’t even seem to notice that the professor was limping. She heard what was said between them, and it made her wonder whether it was her fault that he was hurt. Her OWL scores were the highest in the school for her year. She walked back to the Gryffindor common room, her mind on the pain she had caused.

The next day in Defence class she looked up when she felt his presence in her mind. She put up her walls but didn’t force him out - she wanted to know that he was fine, but she didn’t know whether he would answer if she asked.

Severus entered her mind during class and braced himself to be thrown out. He was surprised when all he saw in her mind was the lake, though he felt her concern for him. She was worried about him, and she shouldn’t be. He would have to stop being careful around her - he needed her to hate him, not be concerned for his safety. He broke the connection. He would deal with this tomorrow when she came to assist him.

********

When she came into his classroom the next day he entered her mind forcibly. He heard her gasp, but kept going. She was quick though, and threw him out of her mind with more force than she had demonstrated before.

"What the hell," she said quietly as she grabbed the counter behind her to steady herself. He said nothing to her, only watched as she finally gained her balance before walking to his desk to take the essays she was to grade.

He was surprised by her composure, as he would have thought that after yesterday she would have been upset still.  Even though he tried to upset her today, she didn’t allow it.

Hermione had decided last night to keep her wits about her where Professor Snape was concerned. She wasn’t going to allow him to upset her, though he had just tried to in the most violating way. Taking a deep breath she calmed herself and her mind before walking up to his desk to retrieve the essays she was to grade. She honestly couldn’t find it in herself to blame him for much anymore. She didn’t want to think about the stress he lived under, knowing that the one person who was supposed to be an ally was only using you to further his own ends.   That was the whole reason for being here in the first place.

"Nothing to say, Miss Granger," Professor Snape said, interrupting her thoughts. She looked up as she sat down. "Nothing at all." Taking the quill she unrolled the scroll. If she could lighten some of his load she would; though she wanted to go to everyone and tell them what was expected of him she knew she couldn’t. It left her with very few options for how to help him.

Nothing more was said for the next couple of hours as she graded and he did whatever it was that he was doing. When he finally spoke she jumped at the sound of his voice.

"I believe it is time to move on in your lessons. As I have said, the Headmaster will enter your mind quietly, trying to harvest anything that he thinks he needs to know. The Dark Lord will enter as if it's a full frontal assault, you will need to be prepared for either at all times." He had been surprised by her calmness and how she carried on without a fuss after what he did when she walked in the door. "We need to work on hiding your reactions to both."

"I understand, sir," she said, setting her quill in its holder. She wondered what he was going to try now. She watched as he stood, going to a cabinet at the back of the room, and it occurred to her that he moved with a quiet grace. Yes, if his robes billowed it was an ominous sign. But if you paid close attention, you could see the way each step was measured. It reminded her of a cat. She smirked, wondering what he would say at being compared to the mascot of Gryffindor.

Severus turned to see a smirk on her face and wondered for a moment what she was thinking, then banished the thought. More than likely she was thinking about that Weasley boy, and what they were getting up to. Though he had to admit he had not caught them out, it was only a matter of time before he would catch them when they were up to something along with Potter. Walking back to the desk he said, "Miss Granger, do you know what this is?" He was sure she did.

"A Pensive, Professor." She wondered what he had it out for.

As he set it on the desk he said, "Yes, I am going to want to see for myself the defenses you've built in your mind. I want you to pull out the one memory that you are attempting to hide from the Headmaster and put in here."

Hermione didn’t care for that idea, as if he wanted to he would be able to see the memory then. She must not have schooled her features as well as she thought she had, because his next words surprised her.

"You have nothing to worry about. Unlike Mr. Potter, I care not what adolescent memory you want to hide."

The words confused her.  What did he mean about Harry?

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Do not try to play dumb, it does not suit you. You know very well that I ended Mr. Potter's lessons when he looked at a memory I had in this Pensive." Severus was sure that at least half of the Gryffindors knew by now, if not half the school.

Hermione was taken aback by his words.  She truly had no idea what he was talking about. "Sir, what do you mean?" How had they come to talk about Harry? It had been the one subject that she avoided like the plague with him.

"You know very well that Mr. Potter looked into a memory that I had in the Pensive last year, it's what ended his lessons with me." <\- You’re basically restating what you wrote in Snape’s last sentence.  He saw the shock that crossed her face before she tried to hide it, but her next words gave her away, and he wondered if he had misjudged Potter on this.

"What? He did what? How could you think that I would have known that? I wouldn’t have… wait until I get… he did what?" Hermione was so incensed at Harry at this moment that she couldn’t finish a sentence, so she stood and started to pace. The thing that bothered her was that she could actually see him doing such a thing, since he hated Professor Snape so much. It angered her - not that it should, but it did. Memories are private, and they are meant to stay as such unless you choose to share them.

Severus had never heard Miss Granger at a loss for words.  When she stood and started to pace, he started to wonder if she truly did not know.

"Miss Granger," he said, causing her to spin toward him. She really had not known what had happened, then.

"He never said anything to me about it," she said to him. He watched as she wrapped her arms around herself before saying, "It's no wonder you hate us."

Severus wasn’t sure whether he’d heard her right or not. He couldn’t honestly say that he truly hated them, but he didn’t like unthoughtful people, and it seemed that Gryffindors were the most thoughtless of all.

Hermione wanted to go after Harry for doing such a thing, but she couldn’t without telling him why she was truly being Professor Snape's assistant. She wondered not for the first time how Slytherins did it, keeping certain things from certain people.

"I will expect your mind to be calm by Monday," Severus said, not wanting to go further with her lessons today. "You’re dismissed." 

Hermione set the corrected scrolls on his desk before walking toward the door. She turned as she opened the door, saying, "I really had no idea, Professor. He shouldn’t have done such a thing, no matter how badly he thinks of you."

She was gone before he could say anything to her. He was starting to wonder if she did that on purpose.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Severus knew that by Monday Miss Granger's mind would be calm - he knew when he spoke the words that, giving her an expectation, she would meet it. He observed her in the morning before class started. He was sure that she hadn’t said anything to her two friends about what had taken place on Saturday, but he could see that she was still angry at Potter. He watched as she threw a look at the boy as he came into the room, then quickly lowered her head over the book open on the desk in front of her.

Once he class started, he slipped into her mind to find it still. Though he looked for any confrontation with Potter, he found none. Could he have read them so wrong? He didn’t think so, though Miss Granger had been showing a more mature attitude since he had started teaching her Occlumency. When he felt an invisible wall come up, but was not forced from her mind, he was impressed. She was learning quickly. With the end of term about six weeks away, her lessons would be at an end, as would her assistance. He would have to go back to having one of his Slytherins as an assistant. It wasn’t a terrible thing, but he could not trust them to grade essays, not if he wanted them to be graded fairly.

He briefly wondered if he could still have her to grade, but dismissed the idea. He couldn’t ask - it would raise far too many questions. The last thing he needed was the headmaster asking why. He had no doubt that in time Albus would ask why Severus had disobeyed him and taught Miss Granger Occlumency. He even had an answer when the time came, one that he was positive the Headmaster was not going to like. Of course it didn’t matter to Severus whether the old wizard liked it or not; Severus didn’t like the fact that he was under orders to kill Albus, either.

Hermione had felt his presence in the back of her mind. She allowed it for a little while. When he started looking for something, she put the block she had been thinking of in place, so he could see but not really latch onto any memory. When she felt him leave she smirked. She was truly hoping that he was impressed with the skill, though she was sure that he would never tell her if he was.

That evening standing outside the Defence classroom she took a deep breath to still and clear her mind. She found that calming herself and stilling her mind was easier now than when she started.  When she felt prepared for her lesson, she opened the door and walked into the classroom; she had been told not to knock anymore. When she sat at her desk with the essays she was to grade, she found that there were only a few of them. She knew it wasn’t the normal amount, but didn’t question it.

Half an hour later when she finished Professor Snape said, "We are going to try again the Pensive again." He stood, going to the back of the room.

Hermione watched him, and took a deep breath. "Professor, I have a question." She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, worrying it as she folded her hands on the desk.

Severus turned to see her nervousness.  It surprised him. He had not seen this side of her in some time, and he wondered what had brought it on. As he set the pensive on the desk, he said, "I do not believe there will ever be a time that you will not have some kind of question to ask. Go on." He stood in front of her, crossing his arms over his chest, and leaning against his desk to wait.

"In practicing Occlumency, can you become too logical?" It was the only the way she could think to phrase her question, because she was sure that if she asked anything about emotions he would not answer.

Severus studied her for some time, trying to figure out what she really wanted to know. What did she mean by too logical? She had always seemed the most logical out of her friends; it wasn’t like he didn’t know that she would try to talk the others out of whatever scheme they were trying to drag her into. He knew that she tried to use logic to talk to them. So what was she really getting at?

"I do not believe anyone can be too logical, Miss Granger," he said. Noticing the slight change in her face as he spoke, he asked, "Why don’t you ask me what you really want to know?" He hoped that catering to her Gryffindor tendencies would get this out of the way quickly.

"Sir, I…" She had no idea how to ask without upsetting the man standing in front of her. "I have noticed that since I have started these lessons that I'm not… not as emotional as before. It may be nothing, but I don’t… honestly I don’t want to… well that is--" Hermione struggled with how to say what she wanted to; she was worried that he would yell at her if she asked her question directly. He hadn’t really yelled at her for some time now, and she found that she appreciated his calmness around her.

Severus finally cut her off, something that he hadn’t had to do for some time. "Miss Granger, just say what is on your mind."

Hermione took a deep breath before saying, "You seem angry all the time, which I suppose is understandable with all you have to do, and the pressure you’re under. I just don’t want to be like that." Hermione sighed when she finished, then braced herself for what she was sure was coming.

Severus was shocked, though he thought he schooled his features quickly enough not to show her that she had surprised him. She thought that practicing Occlumency had made him angry. What surprised him more was that she was partially right; he was angry all the time, but it had nothing to do with Occlumency. The next thought that came to him was he had no idea how to answer her. If he didn’t deal well with emotions, he certainly didn’t deal well with talking about them, even in the abstract.

He knew that if he didn’t answer, her fear of becoming what she was not would come back to interfere with these lessons, and frankly she was doing well in them. Finally he said, "Calming your emotions, and in turn your mind is not hiding them or ridding yourself of them. All your emotions are there, you've just learned to control them better." He hoped that answer would calm her mind, because he honestly didn’t have another to give her.

"So what you’re saying is that, for example, I thought I fancied Ron, but after I started these lessons I have found that it's not true anymore. He gets on my nerves more than before, so in calming my mind, and my emotions led me to see what was truly there?" Hermione hoped he didn’t dismiss the example she gave, but it was the one that had brought all this to mind.

"Though your example leaves something to be desired, you are correct. Take your parents, for example: have your emotions for them changed?" Severus was impressed that she thought about her answer before she gave it. She was a quick study, and he was sure that she was ready for the next step.

"No, not at all. So the feelings are still there, but now instead of acting on them I'm relying more on logic?" Hermione knew that was the correct answer when she saw a slight crinkle around his eyes, as if he was trying to keep from smiling.

"You are correct, and I believe that it is time we move on to the next step." He wanted to move along. She had always been logical, but let emotions override that logic. Now she was acting with more logic, and he could see how that could be disconcerting to her, but she was also accepting of this change.

"Thank you," she said. She wondered if he even knew what she was thanking him for. If he had not agreed to teach her she would have been Obliviated, she was sure of it.

He inclined his head to her as he turned, saying,"As we talked about, you will need to remove anything you don’t want me to see, or at least the memory you’re worried about, and place it in here. This is the only time I'll warn you, tonight will not be pleasant." __

Hermione walked over to the Pensive. Placing her wand to her temple, she removed the memory of overhearing the headmaster order Professor Snape to kill him and watched as it fell into the bowl.

"Now have a seat," Professor Snape ordered her, and as soon as she was sitting he was in her mind.

Severus tore into her mind. He really had not wanted to, but he knew that if the Dark Lord ever got his hands on any of them he wouldn’t be gentle; he would tear through their minds until he found what he wanted, or anything at all to use against them. Since he knew how the Dark Lord’s mind worked, it did stand to reason that he would think Miss Granger the weakest, making her his first target.

Images flew past in Hermione's mind: birthdays, holidays, sitting in the garden with her grandmother as she taught Hermione to knit. On the train in her first year talking to Neville. When she met Ron and Harry, when she covered for them, lying about the troll. Her attempts to be the voice of reason, and her two dunderheaded friends’ refusal to listen to her. Her wait for him to return the other night; how she was worried and noticed him limping as he walked away from the headmaster.

When Severus pulled from her mind she was breathing heavily and looking at him. If he had to put a name to the look, he would have said ‘resigned’.

"Bastard," Hermione whispered under her breath.  She understood why he was entering her mind in such a way, but that didn’t mean she had to like it.

"While the Headmaster will sneak into your mind to find your secrets, the Dark Lord will tear through. He will lay anything you have open in the hopes that he will find your secrets."

"I understand, Professor," she said, her breathing becoming normal again.

"You have to shield what you don’t want others to see in such a way that they won't even know that the memory is there." He crossed his arms over his chest as he waited for her to process this information.

When she finally folded her hands on her desk she asked, "So that is how Vol…Snake Face will perform Legilimency?"

Severus smirked. It was not that the name was new, but that she used it instead of the preferred He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, that spoke of her lack of respect for the Dark Lord, and he would not tell her any differently.

"Yes it is, it will always be that way, and you'll always have time to prepare for it."

"So the headmaster will try to back door me, while Voldy will break in the front door?"

"That would be correct, the headmaster is the one that you need to be prepared for, to expect it at any time. The Dark Lord on the other hand will more than likely give some long speech on how you being a Muggleborn would not be able to defend yourself."

"There is something I don’t understand, sir."

Severus was a little surprised by this, so he nodded his head for her to continue.

"Why is he like that where Muggle and Muggleborns are concerned? He's a Half-Blood himself."

"It started as a way to rally the Purebloods to his cause - he allows them to think they are superior, and he gets an army that will fight for him to rule this world."

"Doesn’t he think that some Pureblood may get the idea that they are better than him, and try to take his place?"

"I believe the thought has crossed his mind, but the Dark Lord rules his followers with fear, making them subservient to him, and also with what they perceive as better control of magic."

"I understand," she said.

"Take your memory, and go. We are finished for tonight. Expect at any time the assault on your mind," Severus told her as she stood, retrieving her memory. He watched as she placed it back in her head, gathered her things and left.

Severus sat back in his chair at his desk once the door to his classroom was closed. He had been surprised by her underlying concern and care for him. It wasn’t an overwhelming feeling, but more of an impression of emotions. There was also that memory that he touched on, but left alone quickly; he was sure that she didn’t know he had seen it. He knew everyone had fantasies, especially teenage girls, so he would let her keep hers instead of going with his first reaction, to stomp it to dust. She had proven to be a help to him, and he felt it was the least he could do.

Growling, he stood and stalked off to his chambers. Yes, he would let her keep it, but that didn’t mean he had to be happy about it.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

By the time the Christmas holidays arrived Severus was confident that Miss Granger could hide anything she wanted from both types of mental attack. She didn’t force him from her mind, but would allow him to see only the memories she wanted him to. When he became close to something she didn't want to share, she could redirect him to another memory.

He even deliberately looked for the memory he had passed over several weeks ago, and he couldn’t find it. He also found that though she acted indifferent toward him, she was concerned for him. He had no idea what to make of that - he knew he didn’t deal well with anyone caring or being concerned for him, so he tried to forget about it, though that was easier said than done.

She had changed, and it was a change for the better as far as he was concerned. He wouldn’t draw attention to what he knew; as long as she kept her concern to herself, he saw no reason to belittle her for it.

When she showed up in his classroom the day after everyone left for the holidays he became concerned that she was getting the wrong idea, but she only asked if he needed help with any of his end-of-term work. He pointed to the scrolls on his desk.

After some time passed he found that he was disconcertingly curious as to why she was at Hogwarts rather than home for the Christmas break. "Why did you not go home for the holidays, Miss Granger?"

He watched as she looked up and smiled. "My parents are going skiing for Christmas, and I hate to ski. I don’t like waiting around for them either so I thought I would catch up, maybe get ahead in my course work." She wanted to say more, but stopped herself. She was sure that he would not appreciate that she also stayed to help him with his end-of-term work.

Severus knew there was more that she wasn’t saying - she could have always gone to the Weasleys’. He knew for a fact that she was welcome there, but he couldn’t take that much of an interest in what she was doing.

"I didn’t want to go to the Burrow either, Ron just wants to… well, I think we've missed our chance, and he just hasn’t seen it yet. If I had gone there he would have pestered me the whole holiday. I would prefer not to have to put up with that during my break." She lowered her head back over the scroll she was grading, effectively ending their conversation.

Severus had heard the rumors, he always did, about how Mr. Weasley was not taking no for an answer. He didn’t want to single her out to give advice, but he told himself that she was his student, and he should at least show her how to protect herself.

"When you are finished we are going to practice defensive spells," he said. There was no need to single her out more than that. He would teach her several spells that, if she used her intelligent brain, would help her if she got into a spot with the Weasley boy.

That evening while in his chambers he sat back with a glass of wine, thinking over the day's events. Granger had not questioned any spell he taught her; he found that she thought he taught her the spells in case any Death Eaters tried to molest her. He just hoped that she would have that defence if the attack came from closer to home. He wouldn’t put anything past the youngest Weasley boy - he was a hothead who acted way before he thought.

He smiled as he thought about how quickly she had picked up the spells he was teaching her - he felt  proud of her improving skills of defence. He said nothing, but she should be proud of herself. She had matured quite a bit in the last few months, and now she saw herself as others did. He was sure it was due to the fact that she had calmed her emotions. He actually found himself wishing, not for the first time, that she was in Slytherin where he could nurture her.

He knew the thought was a fool’s folly, as Muggleborns were never in Slytherin any longer. No, it was not unheard of for them to be cunning enough to be in the house of Salazar Slytherin, as he remembered a few who were in upper years when he was in his first year, but once they were gone there had not been any more.

Finishing his wine he stood and began going through his routine before bed. He smirked as he thought about how all his students assumed he never took care of himself. He was meticulous about his hygiene - you couldn’t grow up the way he did and not be. Glamours and charms made him look worse than he actually was. His teeth, for instance, were not that bad; yes, they were crooked, but a glamour was used to make them yellow. The only true thing about his appearance was his hair - no matter what he tried, by the end of the day it was oily. He had long ago given up trying to fix the problem, since it helped in producing that air about him that made students cringe when they saw him. However, he had noticed that since he was not in a room standing over cauldrons all day it was not as bad, though it still required twice-daily washings so he could feel that his hair was clean.

*******

Severus found himself wanting to teach Miss Granger more about combat. With that idea in mind, he called her to his classroom the next day. He hid until she came into the room, and then went to attack her from behind. When he wrapped his arm around her throat she stopped moving.

"Do you really want to give up that easy?" he hissed in her ear.  Her answer surprised him.

"No, but I don’t want to hurt you, sir."

He laughed at her, not a kind laugh. It was one that spoke of his doubts in her. "Do your best, or should I say worst," he whispered in her ear.

His humor left him when she elbowed him in the ribs, mule kicked his shin right below his knee, stomped his foot, then swept his leg out from under him. He found himself on his back on the floor with her straddling his chest and her wand pointed at his throat. She hissed at him, "None of them will hold me while another hexes me again."

Severus was surprised - he had underestimated her ability. This was something to hide, since if the Death Eaters didn’t know about it they couldn’t plan against it. When he caught his breath he said, "Do not let this out, not for my sake, but for yours. Surprise is the greatest weapon you can have, Miss Granger, and this will surprise them. Now get off of me." He controlled his ire enough to not spit out the last sentence.

 She stood and they both turned their heads when they heard clapping at the doorway.

"Well done, Miss Granger. Twenty-five points to Gryffindor."

Severus watched as Miss Granger blushed at the Headmaster’s words. He stood to find that he couldn’t bear weight on his right knee. She was at his side in an instant, saying, "Sir, I'm sorry--"

"Do not apologize, Miss Granger. I asked you to do your best, and you have surpassed my expectations."

"But ~~,~~ I didn’t mean to damage you," she said. He saw that she really had not meant to hurt him, just show him that she could defend herself.

"It is easily fixed, Miss Granger," the Headmaster said, coming over to help Severus to the chair. Once the professor was seated, Albus took his wand, and with a few flicks and a swish the damage to his knee was undone.

Once the headmaster had sat down he asked, "Miss Granger, would you mind telling us where you learned such things?"

Hermione sighed, trying to gauge whether she should say or not. When she caught Professor Snape’s attention, he gave her a small nod. "After what happened at the Department of Mysteries, I took a Muggle self-defense course over the summer. They taught how to do that, and more. I um… modified it some to have my wand at the ready instead of the keys they recommended."

"I'm impressed Miss Granger, very impressed. You've not mentioned this to anyone?" the Headmaster asked.

"No, surprise seemed to be the way to go."

"That you did," Severus said, still not knowing what to really think of this turn of events. "Though I would not use that in class, not with who your classmates are," he told her. If she did, it wouldn’t be long before the Dark Lord would know, and the Death Eaters would expect it.

"I agree with Severus, Miss Granger. Do not tell anyone of this, it will serve you well in the coming times." He winked at her before turning to Severus and saying, "There is a staff meeting at three."

Severus nodded to the headmaster before the old man rose and left the room. When he turned back to see Miss Granger standing there with her arms crossed, her lower lip between her teeth, he said, "Stop that, you did well. I'm impressed." He watched the shock cross her face before she schooled her features. "Come," he commanded as he stood. He saw her out of the corner of his eye preparing to help him, but when she saw he was fine she stopped. He led her to his personal lab off of the classroom.

"You still brew?" She was surprised, and it came through in her voice.

Severus turned, smirking at her. "Of course. Madam Pomfrey will not accept Professor Slughorn brewing for her hospital wing."

Hermione was taken back, he sounded almost proud that the matron wanted his potions instead of the current Potions professor’s.

"Today you are going to brew three batches of Pepper-Up potion for Poppy."

"I am?" She sounded surprised. He had never said one good thing about her potions, but this more than made up for it.

"Yes, you are. You are still my assistant until two weeks into the next term. This is what I need assistance with today." He knew he had surprised her - that had been his intent. "I have other things I need to attend to today. You will find all the ingredients already laid out." He swept out of the room, leaving the door opened.

Hermione was shocked that he trusted her to brew for Madam Pomfrey, but it wore off soon enough as she started the water boiling in the cauldrons.

Several hours later Hermione was just finishing bottling the last of the Pepper-Up potion when Professor Snape came into the lab. She watched as he came over, picking up one of the small bottles and holding it up to the light. "This will be sufficient," he said, setting the bottle back down.

Hermione was cleaning the tools she had used at the sink when she finally asked, "Sir, I was… well could I…That is, if you wouldn’t mind I could come on the weekends, and help you brew for Madam Pomfrey."

Severus watched her as she gave a few false starts to her sentence. She did it so rarely any more that he didn’t try to hurry her up. When she asked about brewing he was surprised. "Why would you want to help me?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest and watching her with his eyebrow raised. He watched as she worked out how to phrase her next words.

"You have done something for me in teaching me Occlumency, this is something I can do to repay you," she said as she laid the last cauldron on the drain board before turning to face him.

Severus thought over what she said. He didn’t know how to get it past her Head of House. He didn’t know if having her go to the headmaster would work this time as it had the last. If he took it upon himself to allow it, that would be one more thing he would have to hide from the Dark Lord.

"It's fine if you don’t want me to help you," she said, moving toward the door.

Severus raised his hand, closing the door before she reached it, saying, "Miss Granger, I did not say 'no'. But ~~,~~ there is a balance I am required to keep. You do realize that the Headmaster is aware of Professor Slughorn's… quirks, shall we say." He hoped he had given her enough for her to go to the old man ~~,~~ and ask to help him.

"I understand," Hermione said as she moved to stand in front of him. "My only worry is if I can practice Occlumency in his presence."

"You have nothing to worry about, Miss Granger. You will be able to hide any memory you want from him." He watched the look of surprise that crossed her face before she smiled at him. The baser part of his mind noticed what a beautiful young woman she was becoming for a moment before he squashed that thought. She was his student, and that she would always be, at least in his mind.

In the next instant he found himself with her arms wrapped around his middle, and her saying, "Thank you."

"Miss Granger, unhand me," he said through gritted teeth. This did not help in squashing ~~of~~ the thought he just had about her. She stepped back. He saw the embarrassment on her face, and the blush that colored her cheeks.

"I'm sorry Professor, I have no… well I do have an idea." Hermione ducked her head. She couldn’t believe that she just hugged her professor. She was sure she just blew her chance to brew with him for the hospital wing.

Severus watched her, and ~~he~~ was surprised that he really didn’t want to punish her for her actions. No, as a matter of fact what he wanted to do shocked him. "Take a seat Miss Granger."

Hermione sat on one of the lab stools waiting for him to yell at her. When he was calm as he spoke she was surprised.

"I will let it pass this time. You've shown great restraint in the last several months and with that in mind I will over look this lapse in your judgment, as I am aware of the tendencies of your house. But ~~,~~ do not ever let it happen again. Do I make myself clear?" He found that he had been impressed with her in the last few months, and that he could overlook this one thing she had done, as long as it never happened again.

"I apologize sir, I do not know what came over me. I was-- No I won't make excuses. It will never happen again, Professor." She was still trying to figure out what had come over her. Professor Snape was not the most approachable professor at Hogwarts. Why on Earth she thought it would be a good idea to hug him she didn’t know, but she would ponder later when she was alone.

"Very well, now off with you, we are finished for today. Talk to the headmaster, then we shall work out a schedule." He was surprised that he found himself trusting her skills in shielding her mind from Albus.

Before she walked out the door she turned saying, "Thank you, Professor." She closed the door behind her, leaving Severus to wonder yet again why she always thanked him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

After supper that same evening, Hermione found herself walking with the headmaster back to his office. She had asked to speak to him. She had all her arguments thought out as to why she wanted to assist Professor Snape in brewing potions for Madam Pomfrey. Once they were seated in Dumbledore’s office the headmaster asked, "So what may I do for you this evening Miss Granger?" He lay his hands on the desk, placing his left over his right to cover up the blackness of his injured hand.

"In the course of my assistantship I found that Professor Snape still brews for Madam Pomfrey." She felt a small nudge at the back of her mind, so light that if she had not experienced it many times before she wouldn’t have even noticed it. She calmed her mind as she continued to speak. "It's an open secret that Professor Snape is a spy for the Order, and I would like to give him any help I am able to. I am aware that he would never allow me to assist him in this way, so I have come to ask for your help in this matter."

She felt the presence leave her mind as he said to her, "It is very commendable that you would like to serve the Order in this way, given that you are not a member yet. I will speak to Severus on your behalf. Hopefully he will not be against accepting your help, as I haven’t heard many complaints from him about your performance as his assistant."

Hermione thought that had been easier than she had expected. "Thank you, sir."

"No need to thank me, Miss Granger. You are an exceptional student, that I happen to agree with. Professor Snape needs the help, and I am happy to see you offer to assist him in his brewing for our Matron."

******

Hermione woke on Christmas Eve after a having very strange dream. She had no idea what had brought it on. She was standing on a street in London, having been shopping with her parents, when she saw Professor Snape dressed as a Muggle, which shocked her. She had no idea why she did such a thing, but she pulled him around the corner of a building into an alley. She knew something was wrong with him, but she couldn’t figure out what it was. He looked sick, but it wasn’t caused by anything physical. She took his face in her hands, making him look at her. That was when she knew. She had read about a soul being torn in her research for the Horcrux. Though she was sure that Professor Snape was not making a Horcrux, he was still soul-sick from what he had done to the Headmaster.

He cupped her face in his hands, then leaned down ~~,~~ and kissed her. That was when she woke. She found that she hadn’t minded that he kissed her. What scared her more was the fact that he was alone ~~,~~ and soul-sick.

She went about her morning routine, the dream still playing over in her mind. She buried the memory of it - she knew it wouldn’t do to have Professor Snape or the Headmaster find it. As she stood next to her bed she debated yet again whether to give Professor Snape the present she had bought him. Making up her mind she placed the package in her bag before heading to breakfast.

******

"Severus, may I have a word with you following breakfast?" the Headmaster asked before taking his seat at the center of the table.

"Of course, Albus," Severus said, certain he knew what the old wizard wanted. He thought through all the arguments against allowing Granger to assist him in brewing. They were just enough to show a fight against it, but in the end he would give in.

*****

Hermione walked into the Defence classroom and picked up the scrolls off the corner of Snape’s desk, taking them to her own. She was halfway through them when Professor Snape came billowing into the room. He didn’t look happy, but she thought that maybe that was just what he was projecting to the students that were still at school.

"Well, Miss Granger, it seems you've gotten your way again. I've been ordered to allow you to help brew potions for the hospital wing, so it would seem that we will be spending one day every weekend together." Severus wasn’t upset or even mad, he just wanted to give the impression he was to anyone who happened to be passing by.

Hermione said nothing to him as she went back to correcting the scrolls in front of her. Once she was finished he led her to the lab. When the door was closed he turned to her, saying, "Today we will be brewing the Boil Cure potion." He took down several cauldrons before turning to her. "The Headmaster admitted to slipping into your mind. He said the only thing he found was your genuine desire to help with brewing."

Hermione looked up at him. "That could be because I do have a genuine desire to help with the brewing for the hospital wing, and the Order for that matter, since I'm not allowed to do anything else for them." Hermione had been vastly irritated when she had been denied her request to join the Order of the Phoenix. It was fine for her to be in danger every damn year, but they wouldn’t allow her to join to fight back.

Severus watched her as she rubbed her hand along her upper chest. He knew that she had been hexed last year, and that it had taken some time to heal. He had noticed her rubbing at the scar when she was agitated.

"Does your scar still bother you?" he heard himself ask without thinking.

She looked up at him, surprised that he would even care ~~,~~ or notice that she was rubbing the top edge of it. "At times, but I shall live. Now, how many batches do we need to make?" Hermione wanted to change the subject - she didn’t want to talk about what happened last spring.

Severus found the jar he was looking for and set it beside her on the bench. She looked up at him. "What is that for?"

"Apply it to your scar, it should help." Severus wasn’t going to tell her that it was a bit questionable, but he did know that it would help with her hex scar. 

"Thank you," she said quietly as she began to brew.

*******

When Hermione had cleaned the lab from her brewing for the day she went back to the classroom. Professor Snape was sitting at his desk with his head down over a book. She walked up to the desk, still debating with herself, until finally she laid the package on the corner of his desk.

"Merry Christmas, Professor Snape." She turned and walked toward the door. She didn’t want to see the sneer that she was sure her present would produce in him.

Severus had been so engrossed in his reading that he had not noticed her enter the classroom. He said nothing to her as he heard her leave the room, and when his head came up to look at the silver-wrapped box on the corner of his desk he didn’t know what to think. It's wasn’t that he didn't receive Christmas gifts from his Slytherins, or even a few from students in other houses, but he couldn’t recall ever receiving a gift from any student in Gryffindor. He pulled the oblong box over to him and tore the paper off. When he lifted the lid he actually smiled; lying in the box was an eagle feather quill.

He took the quill out of the box ~~,~~ and found that it was ~~a~~ high-quality. He had not expected less from her. It was also useful. He was surprised at the warm feeling he felt that she had remembered him at all.

Taking his wand he charmed her writing on the scrolls to mimic his - it wouldn’t do for her friends to know that she could be scathing with her remarks as much as he was.

Taking his quill he retired to his chambers. Pouring himself a drink, he sat in his chair by the fire, staring at the quill in his hand. He allowed his thoughts to wander, though he usually banished them when they started.

He allowed himself to think of her. He had noticed how much she had matured since the fiasco at the Department of Mysteries. Maybe it even started before that, when she led Umbridge out into the forest to be taken away by Centaurs. She had showed cunning ~~,~~ and deception in such an action, only to have it mitigated by running off to save Black, or maybe it was following Potter. Either way, it showed that she still had that tendency to run headfirst into danger. He found that she wasn’t the hand waving, know-it-all that she had been. He even found that he had to call on her in class, and he did call on her at times.

There were times he hated the choices he had made as a young man; if he had not had to play a part he could have guided some of his students, could have done more than playing to the children of Death Eaters, some whom were so inbred that they were not much more than idiots.

Of course, if he hadn’t made the choices he had he wouldn’t be teaching at all, he would have opened his own shop in time. He growled. It didn’t do to dwell on what might have been. He’d made his choices, wrong as they might have been, and now he was living with them.

Of course, living with them led to being alone; he paid for his mistakes by not having companionship. He couldn’t trust anyone enough to have that kind of relationship, except for in his mind. He had a very active imagination, one that he was sure would shock anyone who knew about it. He could construct any scenario he wanted at the time in his mind. Of course, he usually only did such over the summer, when he could have a few days to play out his desires.

He started to construct a scenario in his mind, one that involved a certain Gryffindor. Hell, it was in his mind - he could have anything he wanted. He had never used a student as the star of his constructs before. It was forbidden, which made it all the more tantalizing, and the fact that he had not used that type of scenario before made the need to use it now overpowering.

He poured himself a drink from the decanter on the side table at his elbow, then laid his head back on the chair ~~,~~ and allowed his imagination to take over.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Hermione had not seen Professor Snape, except for the odd meal, since Christmas Eve. He always left a note on what she had come to call ‘her end’ of his desk telling her what needed to be brewed for the day, but other than that she had no contact with him at all.

Not that she minded, but it was strange to know that he trusted her to brew these potions without his supervision. She took it as a compliment that he allowed her into his lab ~~,~~ and left her to brew potions for the hospital wing alone. Of course he never told her anything more than what needed to be brewed, but she knew that was how he was, and after almost six years she was used to him not giving praise to any students except the ones in Slytherin.

She yawned again, shaking her head. The only problem she had been having this last week were the strange dreams she kept having. They were not necessarily bad, just strange in the 'that would never happen' sort of way.

She was always in a city; sometimes she could tell which city, sometimes she couldn’t. She was ~~either~~ walking down the street. Sometimes she was alone, while other ~~s~~ times she was with her mum ~~,~~ or her friends. She always either saw Professor Snape, or walked past him, or ran into him. He always looked sick - not physically sick, ~~no~~ it always seemed more like mentally, or maybe emotionally. She could never quite decide what she felt about seeing him like that, but she was sure it wasn’t pity. She always caught up to him ~~,~~ and dragged him around a building to a side street that wasn’t so busy, or into an alley. He always followed her willingly, which was always her first clue that it was a dream. He always leaned against a wall, and when she went to stand in front of him he always took her face in his hands before kissing her. Not that she really minded that - it was a dream, after all. When he ended the kiss he would lay his forehead on hers, not saying anything. Sometimes she would wake then with her heart racing; other ~~s~~ times she would obtain his attention and send him to her grandparents’ cottage, which had been abandoned some time ago. He would kiss her once more before stepping away, and Disapparating. She always woke after that.

Hermione sat her desk reading, she had not heard a sound before her chin was grabbed roughly ~~,~~ and her eyes forced up to look into Professor Snape's. She felt him forcibly enter her mind, tearing though anything he could. After a moment of sheer panic she calmed her mind, and several moments later he ended the spell, dropping her chin. She found a handkerchief being pushed into her hand. It was then that she realized she was crying.

"I apologize, Miss Granger, but you will not always have the luxury of preparing for an assault on your mind." He turned from her to pick up the tray of bottles on the counter across from her.

Hermione understood that - she even felt his intent. He had been looking for what she wanted to keep hidden from the Headmaster. He didn’t find it, but he did look for it. Once she had dried her eyes she looked over at him as he was decanting the potion that she had brewed. Finally she walked around the lab table, placing labels on the bottles. When she finished the task she asked, "How did I do, Professor?"

Severus stoppered the last bottle before turning to face her. He had to be honest - if he was not, she would doubt her ability, and that was something that he found he didn’t want her to do.

"I would trust you to keep most of your secrets buried, and those of others."

The next thing he knew she was in his personal space with her arms around him. He couldn’t believe that she was hugging him. This was not a good idea, the little voice in the back of his mind said, and he told it to shut up. If this was all he was going to get then so be it, but he was going to enjoy it, even if he couldn’t hold her as he wanted to.

All too soon she stepped back, her cheeks red with embarrassment. She mumbled, "I'm sorry, sir. I…I don’t know what…Thank you," she said as she lowered her head, looking at the scarred top of the lab table.

"I make allowances for you, Miss Granger. You are still a Gryffindor, after all." He turned and took the cauldrons to the sink. He found her beside him a moment later, rinsing the implements that he had washed.

Once they were finished Hermione looked at her watch, supper was just starting. "Do you need anything else, Professor?"

"No, go to supp…" He stopped speaking, grabbing his left arm. When he looked up she was staring at him wide-eyed.

"Go, sir. I'll finish putting the things away." She moved over to start picking up the ingredients to return to the cabinets as he swept from the room.

Several moments later she heard him say from the doorway, "Thank you Miss Granger." She looked up to see his retreating back and sighed. The whole time she was putting things away in the lab she wanted to scream that he shouldn’t go, it wasn’t worth it. None of this was worth the cost of him. She didn’t care what they thought of him. He was a person, and while he might have made a mistake when he was their age, it wasn’t worth him still paying for it years later.

She found herself going to the Great Hall for supper with a heavy heart. She wouldn’t rest until she knew he was safely back in the castle – after all, someone should care whether he returned.

She begged off the small New Year's Eve party they were having in the Great Hall, saying that she didn’t feel well ~~,~~ and would be turning in early. Instead she sat in the window by her bed watching the front gate, wondering if he would come in that way, or through the gate from the Forbidden Forest.

She had tried to work on her studies, but found her mind wandering. She tried to ~~just~~ read with the same results. Finally she gave up on both, and just stared out the window. When the sky had just started to lighten was when she saw a dark figure coming through the gate. She tried to see if he was injured. He seemed to be walking fine, but of course you could never tell with him.

She moved away from the window. She pulled the curtains around ~~it~~ her bed before she lay down, almost asleep before her head hit the pillow.

*******

Severus was worn out. The party had been an impromptu gathering, one that he had not wanted to be at. It interrupted his plans for this evening, and quite frankly he had no desire to attend any parties. The only highlight of the evening was the paid company that was brought in by Malfoy. One thing he had to say for Lucius, he knew how to obtain very discreet woman, who were willing to fulfill any request.

If he had known what was going to take place tonight, he might have brought Polyjuice potion, even if it was wrong. As it was, he enchanted the woman to have light brown hair with curls ~~,~~ and hazel eyes. He chose positions in which he wouldn’t have to see her face, allowing his imagination to run wild.

It was wrong, he knew, to be lusting after a student, someone he could never have. Of course that had never stopped him; he had spent several years paying woman to be Lily. As his feelings wore off, he found himself wanting to be with her less ~~,~~ and less. Then one summer he had examined his feelings for the girl he once knew only to find that while he had cared for her ~~,~~ as a friend and had lusted after her, his feelings really had not gone deeper than that. He thought they had at the time, but when he looked back on it he knew that he and Lily were not meant to be together.

Now he found himself in the same damn situation, but this time he knew it was only lust. Yes, the girl was smart; yes, she had grown up quite a lot. But ~~,~~ she was still a student, ~~and~~ someone who he would never be able to have, and that was the end of it.

He looked up as he returned to the castle to see her sitting in the window of her dorm room looking out at him. Had she waited up for him? He buried that question; it wouldn’t do to examine that question at all. He had to admit that it warmed his cold heart to know that someone other than Albus waited up for him, though he was never sure the Headmaster waited up.

Albus met him at the top of the stairs to the dungeon. "I'm relieved to see you back."

Severus stopped, turning to the headmaster. "Nothing of interest, it was just a party. The Dark Lord left before midnight."

"It's almost dawn." Albus said, his way of asking without asking.

"There was entertainment, it was expected that we stay," Severus said, not really wanting to explain to the old man that he stayed because he needed to. He needed the release that being there tonight provided.

"I see, well get some sleep Severus," the headmaster said as he turned, walking away.

Severus continued to the dungeon ~~,~~ and his chambers.

Once he was at his bedroom door he started removing his clothes, and when he reached the bed he climbed under the covers. He thought between the drink ~~,~~ and his activity he would have quickly found sleep. However, sleep evaded him. His mind kept running through what he could not have.

He realized he was lonely. He had no one to come back to. When he killed the headmaster he would be truly alone; no one in this school, neither the teaching staff nor the students, would consider him anything more than a murderer. He would be hated by all, and though that really didn’t matter to him in the grand scheme of things, at this moment in his bedroom ~~,~~ in his own privacy he allowed his loneliness to see the light of day.

In the privacy of his bedroom he made wishes that he knew were fruitless, that would never be possible. That knowledge didn’t stop him from making them. It didn’t really matter as long as he left them here when he left this room.

He wished that he had never been taken in by the promises of a mad man, he wished that he had walked away when they tried to tell him how much better it was going to be in a world where only purebloods were allowed to learn magic. He never really understood why he’d even believed that. He wished that he had never called Lily a Mudblood; if he hadn’t, maybe she would have still been here. Even if he had to watch her be with James Potter, he would still have been able to call one person in this world ‘friend’.

Hell, while he was at it he wished that a certain girl was either older, or he was younger, or that he wasn’t her professor. He wished that she would see him for something more than the act he put on. He wished that she was waiting in his rooms for him, not up in some tower window. He wished that he was holding her tonight, that he could have her instead of some imitation of her.

Turning on his side, he grabbed the other pillow and held it to his chest as he wrapped his arms around it. He just needed to sleep. When he woke, all these wishes would be gone like smoke in the air. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, before allowing his imagination loose. In moments he was asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Time seemed to pass quickly - before Hermione knew it, Easter break had arrived. She was going to the lab after lunch every day to work on more potions for the hospital wing.

In the middle of the second week Professor Snape was there working on one of the more complicated potions, while she was brewing more Calming Draught. When she had asked about the amount of potion that she was brewing, Professor Snape informed her that the OWLs and NEWTs were approaching, and it seemed that no matter how much was made, in these two weeks there was never enough.

Hermione understood that - these test were nerve wracking, as there was so much riding on the results.

She was slicing ginger root for the professor when he asked, "Miss Granger, what was is it that was so important that you wanted to hide it?" Severus had hoped that he would catch her off guard with his question, so much so that she would answer without thought. He heard the knife hit the floor, so he looked up at her. She was very pale - all the color had drained out of her face. "Sit down before you fall down."

His work was at a point that it didn’t need his attention, so he moved around the bench. He noticed her eyes following him, as if she was frightened of what he might do.  "I'm not going to hurt you Miss Granger."

She only nodded at him. He had thought for some time that what she overheard was childish, something that didn’t matter in the long run. He’d taught her Occlumency because she had asked, and because Albus had forbidden him to offer to teach her. Now he wasn’t so sure in his assessment of her reasons. "What has you so frightened?" He found that he really wanted to know, which surprised him.

She shook her head at him. He had no idea whether she just didn’t want to tell him, or if it was where they were that kept her quiet. Taking his wand, he put stasis charms on all the cauldrons.

"Miss Granger, I seem to be in need of some ingredients in the Forbidden Forest. You will accompany me to locate them." She stood, following him.

Once they were in the Forest he said, "Miss Granger, I will tell you this only once. I have taught you Occlumency, and I do not have any doubt that you can hide whatever you want from anyone."

She looked up at him standing across the clearing from her. "I do not want to be Obliviated."

He knew her fear of that happening was real - he could feel her fear without Legilimency. "What makes you think that I would do such a thing?" He wondered what in the world she was trying to keep secret.

Hermione paced. Should she tell him? She wanted to - she wanted him to know that she knew, and that she would be his liaison when the time came. She stopped, looking up at him. "Would you promise not to remove the memory from my mind?"

It was a quiet question that took Severus back. Still thinking that it was not something of great importance, he said, "I swear that no matter what you tell me, I will not Obliviate the memory from you."

In the next instant a band of silver light shot out around him, then over to her, circling her, and back to him. Hermione stared with her eyes wide. She had never seen nor heard of anything like that. When she heard the professor groan, she looked up to see a very deep scowl on his face causing her to ask, "What was that?" She saw something she never thought she would see in this person’s eyes - uncertainty. It intrigued her, though she thought it should frighten her.

"I believe that we just entered a wizarding oath bond." He knew that she would appreciate the facts, not some fancy roundabout way to her answer.

"What kind of wizarding oath bond?" Hermione had read about such a thing, but she thought they were for life-bonds. In her mind she likened them to Muggle marriages.

He looked over at her. He knew what most thought oath bonds were, and he could see that was what she was thinking also. He sneered at her, saying, "Get that thought out of your head. All it means is that I will never erase the memory from you."

"Don’t sneer at me, how am I supposed to know that when the only thing I've read makes them sound like marriages?" she said, crossing her arms over her chest. What in the hell made him think that she would want to be bound to him? She buried that thought - it wouldn’t do for him to even know that she thought about it.

She had a point, he had to admit - most of the information in this school on them was vague at best, and it was true that it made them sound like Muggle marriages.

"I apologize, Miss Granger. You are right - you wouldn’t know much about them, for there is not much in the school library pertaining to them. It wouldn’t do for a couple of older students to set out to create one of these bonds when they were truly not ready for that type of relationship. It only means that magic will ensure that I will keep my word to you." He copied her stance, crossing his arms over his chest.

"What happens if you do not?" she asked, wanting to know the consequences.

"Nothing will happen - I will just not be able to perform the spell if it is my intention to remove any of your memories." At least, he thought that was how it worked. He knew it was rare for something like this to happen, but most of what he had read pointed in that direction.

"Very well," she said, resuming her pacing.

He watched her for several moments. He was about to ask whether she was going to tell him when she started talking.

"When I was hurt last spring, I stayed at Hogwarts after everyone else left. Madam Pomfrey wanted to keep me under her care a little while longer, just to be sure there was no lasting damage. One evening I wanted to get into the Restricted Section, but I wasn’t able to find a professor. Finally I went to see if the Headmaster would give me permission."

Severus didn’t think he would like where this was going, not one bit, and now he was bound to let her keep the memory.

Hermione stopped, taking a deep breath. She looked down at her feet, gathering her courage, before finally saying, "I was not sneaking around, nor did I mean to overhear you ~~,~~ and the Headmaster. I honestly just wanted to find something to read, I was so bored. It was an accident." She took another deep breath before finishing, "I overheard the headmaster order you to kill him when the time came."

"You little bitch, what did Potter do, put you up to spying on me?" Severus advanced on her, angry that the Potter brat couldn’t leave well enough alone, or leave him alone.

Hermione raised her head to look at her professor. She involuntarily took a step back because of the look of pure hatred in his eyes. Then she took another as he advanced toward her. She had known he'd be angry when she told him, ~~just not this~~ but she hadn’t realized how angry. She’d known he wouldn’t take what she had to say well, but the narrowing of his eyes as he advanced toward her scared her more than anything she had ever encountered. She took another step back.

"No, Harry doesn’t know. I didn’t tell anyone," she said, her voice shaking as she took another step back.

"None of you can just leave me be, none of you are happy unless you know all my secrets." He took several more steps toward her as she backed up. He knew somewhere in his mind that he was scaring her, but he was far past angry, and couldn’t find it in himself to care.

"No! I didn’t mean to overhear, I didn’t even know you were still at the castle." Hermione had no idea if what she was saying was even being heard by him as he moved toward her, making her take more steps back. She’d always known that Professor Snape was dangerous - she had seen flashes of it in her time here. To have that turned on her was frightening.

"Cannot leave well enough alone, none of you. Always sticking your noses in business that does not concern you." He watched as she took one final step to have her back against a boulder, and smiled cruelly as he advanced on her.

Hermione found herself literally between a rock and a hard place. She hadn’t been paying attention to her surroundings, and now found herself trapped. She watched as he closed the distance between them ~~,~~ and lowered his head so his nose was only a breath away from hers.

Finally she said, "Professor, please. I never meant to overhear you and the headmaster. You've seen in my mind, you know that." Hermione took a deep breath, trying to hold on to her courage as she was faced with his anger.

"What do you gain out of this, Miss Granger? Being the little know-it-all swot you are, you’re not happy unless you know everything there is to know. The three of you, always breaking the rules, never allowing anything to be kept private." He grabbed her arms, not knowing that he was going to shake her until he did so.

Hermione had no idea what to do. She had always been certain that she had nothing to fear from Professor Snape. Now standing here, his grip tightening on her biceps, she had everything to fear from him, and nothing she was saying was getting through to him.

"Well are you happy now, knowing that little piece of information? I'm sure Potter is planning my demise as we speak." Severus knew in that moment why he was angry - he had been duped by them. He had thought that she had changed, and he had been wrong. He knew better than to trust anyone, but he had found himself trusting her. Her attitude had changed so dramatically that he was sure she had matured. It had all been a lie.

"Professor, you're hurting me," she said to him, hoping that he would hear her.

"You, Miss Granger, are playing a game that you are nowhere near mature enough or Slytherin enough to play." His grip tightened on her arm.

Hermione had no idea save one. She knew it might not go well, and that there might be more yelling, but she said it anyway, hoping to God that she would get through to him.

"Severus, you're hurting me." She was surprised that it came out a lot calmer than she felt at the moment.

Severus heard words that made him think of his childhood - only the name was different. He looked at her staring up at him. Growling, he shoved her back against the boulder before stepping away from her.  He turned his back on her. Let her hex him - it was what he deserved.

Hermione wouldn’t have believed it if she had not seen it. It was like a veil was lifted from him. One moment he was angry enough to do her harm, and the next he was stepping away from her, his shoulders slumped as if he was waiting for her judgment of him. She slid down the boulder face, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. She had not been that scared since the summer before last, when she’d stayed at 12 Grimmauld Place. Harry had been going on and on about how Professor Snape was this ~~,~~ and that. It had finally got on her nerves, making her defend the Potions Master. Sirius Black came in, telling her that she didn’t know what she was talking about and feeding Harry and Ron's thoughts of Professor Snape being a bastard. She had gotten so angry she’d left the room. Sometime later Black had cornered her in the kitchen, backing her up against the counter and trying to tell her that Snape would do this to her. She knew at the time he was trying to scare her and change her mind about the professor. The only thing he really accomplished was making her loathe Black and his immature attitude toward the professor. Then when he ground his erection into her, she had shoved him back, slapping him before running from the room. The man might have been Harry's godfather, but he was so close to what she feared that she left, telling the boys that she’d forgotten something at home.

Severus had sat down on a smaller boulder some distance from her. He waited for something that was not coming. He heard her taking in deep breaths, but then nothing. He wanted to turn around but didn’t want to see the loathing in her eyes if he did.

Hermione finally asked quietly, "Are you going to tell the headmaster?"

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

"I should, that is a very dangerous piece of information you have." Severus told her, yes he should tell the Headmaster. But after what he just did to her he was sure that if he did she could use that to get him fired.

"I realize that, it's the reason I wanted to learn Occlumency." She said quietly, she wasn’t going to remind him that he had said that he was sure she could defend her mind from any attack.

He did have to admit that she could hide what she wanted to, if that had not been the case he would have found out some remnant of this information long before now. The question he found himself struggling with was why she would change who she was to be able to keep this information.

"Answer a question Miss Granger, why is this so important for you to keep?" he had known that she had been in earnest when she asked him to teach her, he just never understood why, and now it was even more of a mystery than before.

Hermione couldn’t believe he would ask that, "Your joking, right?" Hermione stood pacing, she had found that since she started calming her mind that pacing worked off the excess energy, "the Headmaster is making you fulfill an oath you took when you were little more than my age, he's taken that oath, and is forcing your hand to kill him to send you into a snake pit alone. I've seen for a couple of years how manipulative he is, I've caught things here and there enough to know that he doesn’t give a damn about you when someone should. I've seen how he's treated everyone as pieces on a chess board, it's not fair. Yes, I know life isn’t fair, but damn it why should he be allowed to decide that? His is not the only counsel I take, no one's is."

Hermione stopped, she was going to get into topics that she would prefer not to talk about with a male teacher, though somewhere in her mind she knew that he would believe her when she was sure very few would.

Severus was stunned, and that was saying a lot. Not many things in life shocked him, her words did. It almost sounded as if she cared about him, he didn’t know what to think of her feelings or his for that matter.

"Why would you give a damn about someone who has been cruel to you and your friends?"

"No one should face anything alone. Yes, you are unfair favoring Slytherins over the other houses, but you've also taught at least me that life is not fair in doing so, just as I think you were taught the same lesson in almost the same way. I'm not an idiot Professor, I've seen the way the Headmaster let's Harry get away with most everything. Yes, I know you paint me with the same brush, but when I go along it's more to try and talk some sense into them. Also, if the Headmaster is that biased in his regard toward Gryffindor now, what was he like twenty years ago when Black and Remus and you were in school here?"

Something in the way she said Black made his internal sense pick up a notch. He was sure there was something there that he didn’t know, but he filed away to ask about at a later time.

"I know you hate us, for whatever reason, though I have a good idea what it is. But, no one should be left alone to flounder out there in a pit of snakes. Yes, I overheard something I shouldn’t have, and once that happens it can't be unheard. I took steps to protect what I know, you've protected us…me, now allow me to return the favor."

Hermione had no idea if she would get away with it, but she closed the distance between them. Raising her hand she hesitated before she laid her hand on his shoulder, she felt him flinch, an almost jerk away but then he relaxed.

"Professor, you are human, I cannot fathom what it would be like to have to live the life you are facing, but I don’t want you to face it alone. Even if it's just knowing that someone knows you have not switched sides I think would help." She gave his shoulder a squeeze before dropping her hand. It was now up to him, he could tell the Headmaster, she would end up Obliviated and he would be alone, and she'd never know that he was forced to commit an act that he didn’t want to in order to save them all.

Severus stood walking away from her, he knew he should tell Albus about all of this. Well, at least the part that she overheard them. But something inside was stopping him, he had felt so alone since the Headmaster ordered him to do such a thing. She had been right, it was that no one would know that he had not changed sides, but was only following orders. It would be for Albus' 'greater good' if there was one person he could at least give information to.

She had been right, she had taken steps to hide what she knew and even he had to admit she was able to hide a lot of things in her mind. He turned toward her, she was standing there with her arms wrapped around her middle. He knew she was waiting on his verdict whether he would tell what she knew, or if he would accept her help.

In that moment a weakness came over him, and fantasy met reality. She wanted to help him, protect him, and in that moment he was so very grateful to her that he wanted nothing more than to walk up to her and kiss her. Of course he restrained himself from doing so, she was a student, his student. He had never broken that trust, and he never would.

He couldn’t believe that he was going to trust a Gryffindor, let alone someone so young. Though he knew she was mature, and for some reason he could not fathom he did trust her, more than he trusted Albus now and that is saying quite a bit.

"If we do this, no one must know. Not even your two idiot friends."

"That was the reason for this, so no one finds out. Either would go off demanding to know why, or try to stop it. No, I haven’t told them and I will not tell them." No she knew Ron and Harry well enough to know that neither of them would understand this. Hell, she had trouble wrapping her mind around it at times. What she did understand was if any information was to make it's way from Professor Snape into the Order someone needed to know that he was only following orders. There had to be someone that knew without a doubt he still fought for the good…slightly less dark side. She had come to realize that the Headmaster, though not quiet as cruel as Voldemort with his followers, he was still a manipulative old man just the same. She still could not see any difference between the two in that sense.

"We should be going back." Severus started to walk away.

"That's it?" Hermione asked surprised, "You're going to let me keep the memory?"

Severus paused turning back toward her, "Miss Granger, I have told you that I believe that you would be to defend your mind against attack from the Dark Lord, and the headmaster. Why would I not allow you to retain the memory of what you overheard?"

Hermione took a step toward him before saying,

"I just thought that…that you wouldn’t want me to know."

He studied her for several moments before saying, "You have known this fact for almost a year now, you have shown that you can be trusted with the memory. Why would you think otherwise?"

Hermione had to agree it was a valid question, she just didn’t know how to answer. No that wasn’t true, she just thought the answer sounded childish. She stared walking toward him saying, "It doesn’t matter, you're right it's time to go back."

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Chapter 15

When classes resumed life seemed to return to what passed for normal, Hermione spent time with her studies, her friends, she made potions for the infirmary every Saturday afternoon, and was shocked by the sheer amount of Calming Drought they went through. OWLs and NEWTs were both only six weeks away.

The Saturday after school resumed Hermione was sitting at lunch with Ginny when she felt the very light presence in her mind, she let memories flow around in her mind, none of them would be damaging. She glanced up to the head table trying to disconcert whoever was trying to sneak into her memories. But, she also knew that it wasn’t Professor Snape, something was different than when he entered her mind this way, so that left the Headmaster.

Hermione carried on her conversation with Ginny as if nothing was going on, let the old man look all he wanted. He would not find what he was looking for. She made her excuses to Ginny and left the Great Hall to head to the lab, she had brewing to do for Madam Pomfery.

When Professor Snape entered the lab she had already set up the cauldrons, she had a notebook out acting as if she was writing notes in it. The professor walked over to see what she was doing with her mind not on her work, on the top of the page she had written, _F.Y.I. tried at lunch_ it was the only heads up she could think to give him. Though he had never told her why he actually wanted one.

Severus knew what the message meant, Albus had tried to enter her mind. The rest of the page she had written on was filled with calculations he closed the notebook saying,

"Your work is up to its usual standard. Poppy told me at lunch that she was also running low on several other potions." Hermione looked up as he walked over to the other bench taking a piece of parchment and making a list, when he handed it to her the top said, _'I will take care of it'_. By the time she read the last potion on the list the top line had vanished.

Severus had  a feeling that when she looked at him at lunch that Albus was trying to enter her mind, and a look at the Headmaster told him that the older man was not happy in the least. He turned leaving the lab and going to his office. He knew Miss Granger could brew most of the potions on the list in her second year, he found that he had no qualms of leaving her alone in his lab.

Hermione finished cleaning up then looking at her watch noticed that supper had started an hour ago. She went into the classroom to find Professor Snape sitting at his desk, "Sir, I sent the droughts to the Madam Pomfrey. Do you think I would need to come back tomorrow, and brew more Calming Drought?"

Severus looked up, he had not noticed how dark it had gotten in the classroom while he was grading. "How many did you brew today?"

"Three batches."

"That should be sufficient until next Saturday," Severus looked at the clock on his desk, "go to supper Miss Granger."

"Yes, Professor."

She picked up her book bag, walking toward the door. When her hand was on the knob Professor Snape said,

"Thank you."

The door opened on it's own, and Hermione found herself outside the classroom with the door shut behind her before she could answer. She smiled shaking her head as she walked to the Great Hall.

Severus left several minutes later, he was sure that Albus would tell him he wanted to meet with him after supper. It was not that he was avoiding it, he did lose track of time while he had been grading papers. Now he sat at the head table scanning the house tables between bites when a hand clamped on his shoulder, and  a voice in his ear said,

"A word in my office when you've finished."

Severus didn’t have to turn to know it was the Headmaster, "Of course Albus."

When the door to the office closed behind Severus the Headmaster said,

"I ordered you not to teach Occlumency to Miss Granger or Mister Weasley."

Severus slowly walked to the chairs in front of the desk the headmaster sat at, the man sitting behind the desk was not the simpering fool that he portrayed to most, no this was the man that defeated Grindelwald. Severus sat before designing to answer him, "You did no such thing." He knew the word game was going to come into play when confronted with this.

"I most certainly did, when you ended Harry's lessons, and inquired about teaching his friends." Hard blue eyes looked over the top of the older wizards half moon glasses at him.

"No, you forbid me to offer to teach them. You never ordered me not to teach them at all." Severus leaned back folding his hands together across his chest as he waited for the old man to digest that, and dig up the memory out of his mind.

"Are you trying to tell me that Miss Granger came to you asking for lessons in Occlumency when she knew how you tried to teach Harry?"

"Yes she did, I found her reasoning sound, and wondered why you had not thought of it." Severus was trying very hard not to smirk, he had gotten one over on the great Albus Dumbledore.

"And just what was her reasoning for asking for these lessons?" Albus asked as he leaned forward in his chair laying his hands on the desk, his good hand over his cured one.

"That if they would happen to be captured the Dark Lord would chose her mind to ravish thinking her the weakest since she is a lowly Muggleborn." Severus knew he had the Headmaster, the reasoning was sound.

"And would he?" Albus asked.

"Yes."

Albus sat there in silence for a few moments before he said, "It matters not, her mind needs to be open to me. You will advise her to not have her walls up around me."

"I will do no such thing, if you want to…ravish her mind you'll have to convince her yourself." Severus knew this was going to be a fight that the headmaster would not win.

"I need to know what Harry is thinking and what they are up to."

"Then I suggest that you confer with the portraits and ghosts." Severus shot back.

"Why are you being so obstinate about this?" Albus asked.

"Why are you so set to die by my hand?" Severus countered knowing that he was not going to receive an answer.

"You defied me." Albus stated calmly.

"I did no such thing, I was asked by a defense student to instruct her in how to defend her mind against attack. I agreed with Miss Granger that she should be able to defend herself in that manner, you can see for yourself if you like." Severus offered knowing that the old man would, he always took any opportunity to pilfer though his mind.

Once the headmaster was out of his mind Severus said,

"As you can see she found the reading material on the subject lacking, and asked for instruction in the subject. I did not offer to teach her." Severus knew he was walking a thin line, but if he could keep secrets from the Dark Lord he could keep them for Albus also.

"Yes, but you also knew that I need to be able to see what is going on with Harry, and since he has to occlude his mind--"

Severus cut him off when a flash of anger shot through him, "Are you telling me that you are willing to sacrifice not only myself, but Mister Weasley and Miss Granger to the Dark Lord so that you can have a avenue into what Potter is up to? I never thought I would see the day that the great Albus Dumbledore would put the lives of children at risk."

"What I do or do not do is not up for you to decide." Albus said to him, his voice having an edge to it.

"Of course not, everyone is supposed to only follow your orders without question. What I don’t understand is why on Earth you would willingly sacrifice a brilliant mind for your cause. Oh that's right, nothing matters, but the winning of this blasted war. The people you claim you are trying to help are all expendable to you as long as the great Albus Dumbledore comes out the winner."

"I will do what must be done, as will you. Or have you forgotten your oath?"

"No I have not, the difference is these children who see me as a black hearted bastard, their small lives mean more to me than they do to you. You would send every last one of them to slaughter if it furthered your own ends. I will not advise Miss Granger to open her mind to you, or anyone else for that matter including myself. You'll have to convince her yourself, and good luck in that venture. Now we are finished, I have work to do."

Severus slammed out of the office, the sound of the door slamming reverberating off the walls of the headmaster's office.

Severus stalked the halls, deciding to go outside for some air before returning to his classroom he changed direction to the private courtyard that he found while still a student here. He was aware that some other student had also found the small garden, but he had never been able to catch them in it. Not that he even wanted to, he was sure it was only one student and if they valued their privacy that much he knew what that was like.

He had not realized that until he slammed the door open that he had not walked off enough of his anger, then he also heard a yelp looking around he saw the student that had also been using this place.

"Miss Granger, what are you doing out here?"

"Professor, I…I come out here to read. Sometimes the castle is too loud. I knew someone else was using this place." She stated as she pointed to the jar that had just appeared one day, the one that he started using for his cigarette butts. "I hated seeing them on the ground."

"Miss Granger--" he started but she cut him off.

"Sir, it's fine. I just thought they looked unsightly in this garden. You are old enough to do what you want, so I am not going to tell you what I think of it." She should, but she really found that she didn’t want to nag about it with him. Now if it had been a student she would have nagged with no end. But Professor Snape? No she would let him have whatever pleasure he found in it, though she couldn’t see it.

They stayed in silence for some time before Severus finally said,

"I should warn you, the Headmaster is not happy. He will more than likely ask you to drop your shields to allow him access to your mind."

Hermione looked up from her book before finally saying,

"Well too damn bad for him, I will not do it. Professor, do you think he would force his way in?" It had been the one thing that she had been worried about, it was why she had hidden out here this evening.

"Not if he wants to keep Potter in line, I don’t think your friends would take too kindly to the Headmaster forcing his way into your mind. He doesn’t want Potter to know that he is spying on him through you and Weasley." Severus had made the choice to tell her the truth of the matter, he had planned on doing so after class tomorrow, but finding her out here he thought now was as good a time as any. Plus there were no ears out here, it was another reason he liked this spot.

"So as long as he can see what the boys are up to he may leave it be? I can do that, though they haven't been up to much…yet." Hermione knew some of the things they got up to, sneaking out to go to Hogsmead and such. But it seemed that the only things occupying Harry's mind now days was that damn potions book and Malfoy.

Severus studied her as she lowered her head to the book she had open on her lap, he was again surprised by her maturity, and ability to be calm, so unlike a Gryffindor.

"Sir?" she asked looking up at him.

"Yes, Miss Granger?"

"May I ask you a more personal question? Or maybe it's more of a 'you might be the only one that knows' question."

"Ask." He stated, "I may or may not answer."

"Is Draco a Death Eater?" Hermione had wondered for sometime if Harry was right about him, though she wanted to believe that Draco could not be one of them he was her age, it was upsetting to think about.

"That is something I will not answer, though you will have your answer soon enough." It was the best answer he could give her, he just hoped she was smart enough to figure it out for herself.

"I see." Hermione said, knowing that he answered her question, without answering her question.

"Why are you asking?" he asked her as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Harry thinks he is up to something, I think Harry is sometimes blinded by other factors, and doesn’t look at the whole picture." Hermione said, knowing that talking to Professor Snape about Harry was like trying to walk a mind field at times.

"Mr. Potter should mind his own business." Severus told her, not unkindly.

Hermione looked up at him from where she was sitting on the bench. A stray thought entered her mind, or it was a flash of the dreams she had been having. If you could keep him calm, Professor Snape was not that ugly of a man. Of course she would never admit that to anyone, let alone him. With his features relaxed she had noticed that he didn’t look as old as they thought he was, and other than his nose, which made him more distinguished than anything he could be handsome. Of course there was the hair, and teeth.

Hermione looked down at her watch, "I need to be going, I have rounds." She walked toward the door he was standing by to go back inside when he laid his hand on her arm, she turned looking at him before he said,

"Be very wary of the Headmaster, do not drop your shields for a moment. Now that you know what his invasion feels like in your mind."

"I will sir," she opened the door before turning to him saying, "I don’t trust him."

Severus let his hand drop at this revelation and watched as she entered the school. Yes, Miss Granger had grown up quite a lot in the last several months.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Chapter 16

Hermione had known most of the day that something was going to happen, it was like that sixth sense that Muggles talk about. She didn’t believe in Divination, but she couldn’t deny gut instinct. Sometime in the afternoon she figured it was going to happen today.

When she stood outside Professor Snape's classroom with Luna, she knew without a doubt that the time was now. When she saw Professor Snape come out saying something that she didn’t hear about Professor Flitwick and Luna rushed into the room she found herself grabbing the Defense Professor's arm pulling him into an alcove.

"It's happening now, isn’t it?" she asked, not as scared as she thought she would be.

"Yes." He answered her honestly. "I must go."

Hermione had no idea what came over her, even as she thought about it later she still found no reason to do what she did. She stilled him with her hand, leaning up she brushed her lips across his in a light kiss before saying,

"Thank you, please be safe." She blushed as she let go of his arm pulling back.

Severus had been shocked into silence by her actions, never had he imagined that in life she would do such a thing. He could see worry directed at him, and what he must do now. He wanted to erase that from her, but knew that he couldn’t. He did the only thing that he could think of in this moment. He reached for her, wrapping his arms around her he pulled her to him then crushed his lips to hers. When he felt her tongue dart between her lips to touch his he pulled back, not because he didn’t want to give her what she wanted, but because he didn’t know if he did he'd be able to walk away.

"Remember what I have taught you, keep yourself safe, Hermione."

He turned leaving the alcove but not before he heard her say, "You do the same, Severus."

Hermione stayed in the alcove for several moments before she gathered her mind back to herself. Talk about a mind blowing kiss, one that she had never expected to share with him outside of her dreams. She finally walked to the classroom to help Luna.

Hermione was running to the Great Hall when she saw the Auror come blasting through the doorway, she hid herself then followed them in a different direction as she heard Harry calling after Snape. She knew without doubt that she was going to have to let what played out, play out. But, God, how she hated it. She wanted to tell him that he was wrong about Snape, so very wrong, but she couldn’t.

She hid herself along the edge of the forest watching as Bellatrix set fire to Hagrid's hut, then she watched as Harry tried to fire spells at Professor Snape. She couldn’t hear what was said, but she knew Harry wouldn’t be hurt badly.

Once Severus passed the edge of the woods he looked over seeing her standing there, he wanted nothing more than to go to her at this moment. Their eyes locked, he entered her mind for only a moment. Nothing was said between them but he knew that she was waiting for him to go before she went back to the castle. He turned, and walked away.

Hermione watched until he was gone then headed back to the castle, yes she felt bad that the Headmaster was dead, but she found herself feeling worse for Severus. He was the one that had to live with what he had been forced to do.

A few days later Hermione found herself home again, her parents had questioned her on what happen. She told them the bare minimum to ease their fears.

They almost wouldn’t let her leave the house for a week unless one of them was with her, she worried every day about Severus and how he was doing among them. She worried about what to do about her parents. She was going to become a high target on the list, she knew beyond doubt that they would kill her parents to get to her.

The first day she went out alone she found herself in a café, once she looked around as she sat at one of the outdoor tables, it was as familiar as the one from her dreams. Of course she had been here before, it was one of the places she came to when she was home, maybe that was why her mind supplied it in her dream.

When she looked up she saw a tall man dressed in black, though it was Muggle clothes, with lank black hair passing her table. She knew without a doubt that it was him, she stood grabbing her book and chasing after him. When she touched his arm he turned to her quickly, it was him. She pulled him into the first alley they came to, when they were in the shadows he finally looked at her again.

"Hermione?"

She was shocked by his appearance, he looked very ill. There were dark circles under his eyes, he was sweating, he shivered though. She had read about this last week, "Oh God…Severus." He was soul sick, she knew he was. In her mind she called Albus Dumbledore every nasty name she could think of.

"Hermione." He said her name as if it was a prayer before he took her face in both of his hands pulling her to him. When his lips met hers she moved her hands to his waist, when she felt his tongue seeking entrance she allowed him to deepen their kiss. When he broke the kiss laying his forehead on hers taking deep breaths she moved her hands to his wrist.

"I'm--" he started but she interrupted him.

"Shh, I know. Let me take you somewhere safe, Severus." She said quietly.

He only nodded and she wondered when he started to trust her.

She spun on her heel Disapparating them to the only place she could think of, her grandparents old country cottage. It wasn’t much, but it was safe, no one knew about it except her family. She got him into one of the bedrooms having him lie down on the bed before she gave any thought to what to do for him. She knew that there wasn’t much she could do, he was going to have to suffer through this and she again cursed Albus Dumbledore for causing this man pain.

She watched as he curled onto his side, she knelt by the bed saying to him quietly. "Will you be fine for a little while, I need to go home and get a few things."

He opened his eyes looking at her as if he hadn’t seen her before, he grabbed her hand pulling it up to his cheek before saying.  "I missed you."

Hermione knew from what she had read that delusions were a part of this, the book had also said that it was easier to just allow them than to try to fight with the person who was soul sick. Taking her other hand she moved his hair away from his face, when he looked at her she smiled at him before saying, "I missed you too, will you sleep here while I pop out for a few things?"

"So tired." He said.

She was finally able to pull her hand away from him, she hoped when she returned he would still be here.

Three hours and what felt like ten lies later she was back at the cottage. She had first went to talk to Ron, she told him that she need some time to herself before everything began to happen. She asked if he would cover for her with her parents. He agreed to, but wanted to come with her. Once she put her foot down saying that time alone meant just that she went to her parents telling them that she was going to the Burrow for a couple of weeks to help Molly get ready for the wedding. Next was a trip to Diagon Alley for potions that she didn’t have on her, then to the market for supplies.

When she arrived back at the cottage it was to find him still where she left him, she fixed them both some soup before waking him.

"I heated some soup for us." She told him when he opened his eyes to her touch.

He looked at her then the tray on the bedside table, he sat up taking the soup she offered him. Once he was finished she asked, "Would you like to have a shower or a bath, it might make you feel better?" she had almost added sir to the end but stopped herself thinking that if he was in some kind of delusion it would not help.

"Bath." Was all he said to her.

She went to run the water before coming back, she really hoped that she wouldn’t have to help him much. It was one thing to have parents that made the choice to not cover themselves if they were walked in on, all in the name of not making their daughter ashamed of nakedness, it was really another to see a man that was as buttoned up as Snape. For one she was sure it would embarrass him more than it would her.

She turned off the taps before asking him,

"Do you need any help?"

He shook his head at her, she left him alone.

Forty five minutes later she had found him some sleep pants to wear, and was starting to worry. She knocked on the door of the bathroom. When there was no answer she cracked the door open she saw him leaned back in the tub with his eyes closed.

"Severus." She said quietly not wanting to startle him. She watched as his eyes opened and he turned to look at her. "Would you like me to wash your back for you?" she asked trying to think of a reason for being in here.

She smiled when he looked down then back up at her, she took a wash cloth off the shelf and tossed it to him, "I won't peek."

He nodded at her before arranging the cloth over himself as she opened the door wider. She sat on the side of the tub lathering the cloth that was on there, she scrubbed his back then washed his hair also. She found herself biting her lip at the sounds he made as she scrubbed his head, she could imagine what he would sound like in bed then bit her lip harder. This man was her teacher, it would not do to have such thoughts about him. He needed her help that was all, as soon as he was over this he would more than likely bite at her for even daring to help him.

When she stood she said, "I left you some sleep pants on the back of the toilet to put on, they would be more comfortable."

He only nodded at her.

Severus sat back in the tub as she closed the door, his mind was wrenched and he had never felt anything like this before. He had been wandering for what felt like days until there she was, like an angel, his angel.

He didn’t know what to say to her, he couldn’t tell fantasy from reality at the moment. All he did feel was this pain, that lessened when he touched her. She was kind to him, taking care of him. It felt so good to have her fingers in his hair, he had to remind himself over and over not to pull her into the tub with him, not to kiss her until he couldn’t breathe any longer.

He looked down his body, her touching him of her own free will and the fact that he had fantasized about her caused his current erection, or was it real? Was she his? He didn’t know, they were in the same house together, she hadn’t minded coming in while he was naked. He picked up his wand from where she had moved it to as she sat on the tub edge, he cast a silencing spell on the room he was in before wrapping his hand around his very hard erection.

He slowly moved his hand, groaning loudly. Glad that he cast the silencing charm, he was so turned on right now that he knew it wouldn’t take long to climax. Closing his eyes he thought of pulling her in the tub with him, he imagined kissing her as he entered her. He imagined how wet, and tight she would be around him. He thought of how he would make her scream his name as she broke around him.

He pumped his cock faster, as he tensed a moment before he called out her name as he climaxed. Relaxing for several moments afterwards he finally took the cloth cleaning his chest and stomach again before pulling the plug on the tub and hauling himself out. Drying himself off he looked in the mirror over the sink, he shouldn’t have done it.

He pulled his fist back smashing the mirror, he was a foolish old man to think of that girl in such a way. He was a murderer, she wouldn’t want him. She was just being kind to him, it was in her nature to be kind to the people she saw as needing her help. There was not one single redeeming thing about him, he knew that. Why in the fuck did he think she would find one.

He dressed in the pants she left him before opening the door to go back to bed.

Hermione didn’t follow him into the bedroom, she waited for a few minutes to let him get settled before hand.

"I've picked up some potions for you," she took a breath before saying, "I know most likely none of them will help, but maybe attacking the symptoms will help you rest."

He didn’t even care at the moment, he just took what she gave him before lying down to sleep.

Hermione watched him for some time sleeping before she finally curled into the chair with her book, in moments she was asleep also.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Chapter 17

It was little more than a week later, and he still seemed to be living in a dream like state. Hermione spent every night in the chair beside his bed, and every night she called Albus Dumbledore every unflattering name she could think of or come up with for doing this to him. It hurt not being able to end Professor Snape's pain, she tried not to think about it. Not to think of the night he left the school taking her heart with him. Yes she denied it, tried to bury it in her mind. She had no idea how it had happened, she never had crushed on any professor or teacher before. She hadn’t realized until she watched him from the trees that night as he walked away that she cared much more for him than she thought she did.

She now spent her days caring for him, to get him through this. He needed to get through this, he still had a task he needed to finish just as she did. She fell into a doze as she did every night, in the chair by his bed so she would be close if he needed her.

A loud yell brought Hermione out of her doze in the chair, making her sit upright and had her wide awake in seconds. She looked at the man lying on the bed, he was having a nightmare. She hadn’t thought of giving him Dreamless Sleep, she couldn’t if she had wanted to, it interacted with the fever reducer she gave him.

She sat forward in the chair, reaching out to try to sooth him back to something of a peaceful sleep. When her hand lightly touched his, his eyes shot open, and he grabbed her hand tightly. It had scared her, but she tried not to show it. She really wasn’t frightened of him, it was just the suddenness of his action that made her heart leap into her throat.

He pulled her across the top of him onto the bed, he rolled on his side wrapping his arms around her. She yelped when he did so, then she calmed when he whispered into her ear.

"Hold you, my Hermione."

His voice sounded so wore out, so tired that she just tried to relax. She knew when his breathing evened out he was asleep, deeply asleep. She had not really seen him sleep deeply since they came here, she laid her arms over his, if this is what it took for him to have the sleep he needed she could do this as she tried to ignore the little thrill that shot through her when he called her his.

******

Sunlight streaked through the window bathing the room in bright light through the sheer curtains that hung over the windows. Hermione was on the edge of awareness when she felt his lips pressed to her temple, and his erection pressed into her back. She was aware of how men's bodies reacted, of morning erections. She didn’t really give it another thought as he rolled away from her, and out of bed. She heard him pad out of the bedroom before she sat up on the side of the bed taking deep breaths. She needed to get a handle on her emotions, she couldn’t let them run rampant.

Severus stood in the bathroom, hands on the sink supporting his upper body. He looked up into the mirror, it had been repaired at least eight times he remembered that was how many times he broke it to not have to look at himself. Now it was blacked out, showing no reflection. It was just as well, he probably would break it again if he had to see himself in it.

He still couldn’t tell the difference between fantasy and reality, his mind retreated into itself. He had no idea when that had happened, it had to be after he…after he killed Albus, he remembered standing in front of the Dark Lord defending Draco, for all the good it did. Then he was sent away, not without being punished for stepping in. He vaguely remembered the Dark Lord telling him to not return until he was well again.

He remembered not understanding what the Dark Lord meant until several hours later, of course the snake man would know this was going to happen. Severus starting panting for air as the pain in his chest increased, he had ripped his soul. Albus had not cared, not one bit as he stood there almost begging to not be made to do this. He had been tired, the last thing he wanted to do was spend who knew how long among the Dark Lord and Death Eaters. He didn’t want to have to face the things that were to come, the things he was going to be forced to do. The thought made him sick, he quickly turned dropping to his knees in front of the toilet releasing the contents of his stomach.

Hermione looked at the clock, twenty minutes had passed. She stood leaving the room to start something for breakfast, as she passed the bathroom she heard him retching. She quietly slipped into the room, wetting a cool rag she laid it on the back of his neck before pouring him a glass of water. She squatted beside him, laying her hand on his bare back she rubbed light circles.

Severus laid his head on his arm resting on the lip of the toilet, he felt her hand on his back, but found that he couldn’t tell if it was real or not. She had been the only thing in his thoughts for days now, since the night he left. When the pain became too much for him he went into his mind searching for some escape, finding her waiting for him there. In his mind she didn’t hate him, she understood. Something he was sure the young woman he kissed that night wouldn’t understand at all. He had to know,

"Is this real?" he asked her quietly.

Hermione drew in a sharp breath before she reached out moving his hair out of his face, she laid her palm on his cheek before saying quietly to him,

"Yes Severus, this is real."

The next thing that Hermione knew he had lunged toward her wrapping his arms around her waist, and burying his face in her neck. She had no idea what to do, so she did what came to her mind(,) wrapping her arms around him. It took her several moments to realize that he was crying, she rubbed his back with one hand while she ran her fingers through his hair.

She didn’t know how long they sat there, but her legs had become numb. When he had calmed enough she heard him say,

"I didn’t want to." He shuttered against her.

"I know." She said not stopping the movements of her hands.

"He forced me to kill him."

"Yes he did." Hermione told him, facts was all she could handle giving him at the moment. She wasn’t bothered by him breaking down like this, she knew it would happen before things became better for him. Later it may bother her to have witnessed someone who was so strong to break like this, but he needed her to be calm at this moment, and that was what she would give to him.

He finally moved back away from her, he sat with his back to the wall he drew his knee up, he put his elbow on his knee placing his forehead into his open hand.

Hermione tried to move her legs slowly, the pins and needles of the blood returning to them caused her to cringe. She glanced over at Severus, she didn’t want to draw attention to what was happening, and she would leave him to his thoughts if she could right now. She knew he wouldn’t appreciate her hovering, or her trying to take care of him in such a over bearing way.

His eyes were closed, he was mortally embarrassed by what just happened though if he was forced to he would admit that he did feel somewhat better than he had been for he didn’t know how long. He knew she was still sitting there, he was torn between wanting her to leave him alone, and wanting her to stay here with him.

He heard her stand finally, when she turned he opened his eyes. He reached out wrapping his hand around her wrist.

"Don’t go." He said to her, he guessed his need for her overrode his embarrassment.

She turned, moving her arm so she could take his hand. She sat back on the floor on her knees beside him, "Are you feeling better now?"

"Yes." He answered her truthfully.

"Would you like some breakfast, maybe at the table today?" she asked.

He looked over at her, it was so tempting to slip into her mind to find if he was in danger or not. To find if this was real or fantasy.

She moved a hank of hair that fell across his face to behind his ear, "You've been very ill."

"May I look into your mind? I have to know what is real."

"Yes." Hermione said without hesitation. If it helped him she would do just about anything at the moment.

She calmed her mind, she didn’t want him to know how much he had scared her. She let him look though memories since she found him wandering down the street outside that café. He didn’t linger in her mind, and when he pulled out he said.

"Miss. Granger, I have--"

"Shush, call me Hermione for one. You are ill, you are my friend at the least. I don’t mind helping you, and whatever happens here will never go further than us." She wanted to say so much more, but stopped herself. It would do neither of them any good to have her spouting things that they could not follow through with, and she didn’t want to think of the vile things he could spout at her if he knew she was starting to care more than she should for him.

Severus watched her for several long moments, "I suppose you are right, you can call me Severus then." He was surprised by the amount of trust that he had in her, but he knew that she could hide memories.

"So breakfast?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, I think I might enjoy something more this morning." He watched as she stood leaving the room, he stood following her after finding the mouthwash and toothbrush to clean his mouth.

Hermione had fixed bacon, scrambled eggs, and toast for them. Setting the table before she heard him coming out of the bathroom to join her.

They ate in silence, Hermione had no idea what to say to him at this moment. She wished she had a little more experience with men, maybe then she would know how to handle this.

Severus wanted to tell her everything, but he had no plan on scaring her away. It wouldn’t do any bloody good anyway, they still had to go their own ways due to the war. This war that he was sure was never going to end, there was still no end in sight for him, or for her.

"Are you returning to Hogwarts in September?" he finally asked, he knew if she said yes he was going to tell her not to come. As a matter of fact it would be better if she hid herself somewhere besides Britain.

"I'm not, not this year anyway. I have some things that I need to take care of."

"Very good." He said feeling as if a weight was lifting from him.

Hermione didn’t ask what he meant by that, she also didn’t tell him her plans for this coming year. She couldn’t, not yet anyway. She wanted to talk to him about making her his contact, she didn’t know if she bear to not see him for who knew how long.

_'Damn it Hermione, you need to stop these thoughts. After Voldemort is dead then you can think of other things.'_ She told herself as she stood taking her plate to the sink.

Severus watched her, she looked tired to him. He stood placing his plate in the sink with hers, "I'm going to go lie down again, I'm tired."

"Of course, I'm going to go out for about an hour we need a few more supplies." She followed him to the bedroom door before saying, "there are potions there for you if you feel you need them."

She turned to walk away, Severus didn’t want to part from her just yet.

"Hermione," he called to her, when she turned he said, "Thank you."

"You're welcome Severus."

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Chapter 18

It took Hermione longer than she thought to run her errands, she popped by the Burrow to talk to Ron about covering for  her a little longer. He agreed to without much fuss.

She left a note for her parents saying that something had come up, and she was staying at the Burrow for a few more days. She didn’t like lying to them, but she found it easier to do on paper than in person.

When she returned Severus was sitting at the kitchen table, she hesitated before walking into the room.

"I couldn’t sleep."

"I'm sorry, but you have been sleeping for over a week now." She said as she took the items out of her bag to put away.

"No, it wasn’t that." Severus knew what the problem was, he wanted her there beside him. The problem was she had been his student only a few weeks ago.

"I see, well would you like to take a walk?" Hermione offered, thinking that maybe doing something outside would tire him.

They spent the afternoon sitting at the table in the garden, she went through several books trying to find a way to hide her parents. It was becoming an exercise in frustration knowing that they wouldn’t agree to just leaving until the war was over.

Hermione growled as she tossed the book she had been reading onto the table, she was frustrated. There was no way that she could use a spell on the house and their practice and everywhere in between.

Severus looked up at her from the book he was reading, "Something wrong?"

"Yes, in the whole world of magic and there is no way I can protect my parents from their own bloody selves. No, they wont leave, already had that very loud conversation. They don’t think the threat would move into the Muggle world." Hermione threaded her fingers through her hair, pulling her head back. She had no idea how to protect them from this, she wanted to keep them safe. Hermione stood stacking the books on the table to take back inside with her.

Severus watched her as she gathered her books, she had helped him. Hell, she was still helping him, maybe he could think of a way for her to hide her parents.

As Hermione fixed supper she wondered if she could get the Order to hide them, hell she wondered if they would even listen to any one if they were not listening to her. No, there had to be a better way, there had to be something she could do to hide them that they couldn’t fight her on.

When they were sitting at the supper table Severus asked, "Who's house is this?"

Hermione smiled, he seemed to be getting better.

"My Grandparents own the cottage, no one comes here any longer. Granddad hasn’t been back here in four years, since Grandma passed away." Hermione had to bite her lip to keep her tears in check, she still missed GG very much. Finally taking a deep breath she said, "GG loved this place, and Granddad just can't face the place without her, too many memories of her."

Severus wondered what it would be like to have someone that he felt that strongly about,  if he was honest he could see caring about the young woman across from him that much. But, to live it would be another thing.

Hermione stood quietly gathering the dishes, she really didn’t want to talk about this anymore, not with the very real threat of losing her parents out there.

Severus stood(,) going to the room that he had been staying in, he knew he still wasn’t well enough to leave so it was back to his room with him. No he wanted a bath, he wondered if he could goad (cajole) her into washing his hair. He never knew someone doing that for you felt so good, or maybe it was just having her doing it for him that made it feel good. For he knew that was just a delusion that he had and she hadn’t done any of that for him.

He looked up to see Hermione standing in the doorway,

"I don’t remember much…that's not true, I don’t know what in my memories is real, and what is a delusion." He said as he sat on the bed with the other pair of sleep pants in his hands.

"Tell me about some of them, and I can tell you if it was since I came across you." She said wrapping her arms around her stomach, and leaning on the door frame.

"No, I'll figure it out."

"You don’t have to, you don’t have to be alone in this. I could be your contact."

"And what would you tell the Order about where you got the information from? Telling them it's from me will only get you…" he trailed off knowing that he didn’t want to even think about what the end of the sentence would mean.

"No, but I could tell them that Dumbledore told me of another spy, I could tell them that I have no idea what you look like because when we meet you are Polyjuiced to hide your identity. It wont matter as long as the information is good."

"I'll think about it." He said moving toward her to go to the bath.

"Do you still need help?" she asked as she moved out of his way.

"Would you?" he asked.

"Of course, just call when you're ready."

******

Well after midnight, and he was still tossing, and turning. He knew the problem was that she wasn’t here, she had told him that she would give him his privacy now that he seemed to be doing better. He did remember holding her, he was sure it was true. He just didn’t know if she'd welcome him only holding her to sleep or not. This also brought up another question, how would he leave in a few days if he had to hold her like a teddy bear to sleep?

He heard her walking across the floor, looking at his door with the dim light coming from the room she was standing in he thought she looked like an angel, he supposed she was, she saved him.

"Hermione?" he said quietly.

"Your awake, I was just checking on you. I'm sorry I woke you." She said turning away.

"You didn’t, I have not been able to sleep." He sat up swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

"How about some hot cocoa? It might help." That was what she had gotten up to make for herself.

Once they were sitting with mugs of cocoa in the kitchen he asked,

"What is keeping you from the land of dreams?"

"Too many thoughts running around in my mind, then I worry that if you have a nightmare I won't hear you." Hermione answered him honestly as she took a sip of her drink.

Severus saw an opening, he just didn’t know if he should take it or not.

"What are you thinking so hard about, Severus?" Hermione asked when such a deep look of concentration came across his face.

"The night I left, why did you kiss me?" That had not been what he had intended to say, but now that it was out there he didn’t want to take it back either.

"I read something once that said maidens kissed knights before going into battle, for luck. I don’t know why, it just…I just wanted to." Hermione finally finished, her head down blowing on the top of her cocoa hoping that she was not blushing as much as she thought she was.

"I am no knight in shining armor." Severus told her with a hint of condescension in his voice.

"No, not shinning armor. Your more of the Black Knight." She told him raising her head, he may not see himself as warrior for the side of light, but she thought he was one of the most important warriors in this war. She knew it was a little romanticized, but to her he was a knight. "Why did you kiss me?" she asked wanting to know the answer to that question, one that had run around in her mind since that night.

Severus looked across the table at her, he knew she would ask the same question. He really didn’t have an answer that he thought wouldn’t scare her. His main reason was just once he wanted to know what it felt like to have her in his arms.

"I'm not saying, I just returned your kiss."

"You did more than that." She mumbled, he had kissed her the day she found him on the street, and he told her he missed her. She had hoped that it was true, but she would allow him to think it was just in his mind if that is how he wanted to play this.

When she finished he took both of their mugs to the sink rinsing them before saying,

"I'm not getting any sleep, you're not getting any sleep…" he held his hand out to her.

Hermione looked from his face to his hand, was he asking what she thought he was? She wouldn’t know unless she took his hand. She placed her hand in his before rising from the chair, he led them to the bedroom. Letting go of her hand he got into bed then held the cover up for her to do the same. Once she was lying beside him he wrapped his arms around her pulling her close to him.

After several minutes he said,

"Hermione, there is a war still going on."

"I am aware of that." She said to him as she relax more against him.

"I'm twice your age."

"I know that too."

"I killed Albus."

Hermione tightened her arms around his before  saying to him,

"You did at his order, he bound you to an oath then took full advantage of that. I know you fought it, and he forced your hand. There are times I hate the bearded bastard."

"None of that erases that I was the one that raised my wand against him, I will not get out of the coming war unscathed or be free once it's over."

"Don’t do that please, one thing at a time. Why don’t you finish getting well first, then we'll work on a way so I can be your contact. One thing at a time, Severus."

"I kissed you because I wanted to know what it would feel like to hold you. I kissed you when you found me because I wanted to know what you taste like." He admitted to her, you could admit anything in the dark.

"And did you like how I taste?" she had no idea what made her think it was a good idea to ask that while laying in bed with him.

"Very much so, it cannot happen again."

Hermione sighed, she had known he was going to say that. She didn’t know why he was denying himself what he clearly wanted. But she was too tired to think about it right now.

"Go to sleep Severus, we can talk about it tomorrow."

******

Hermione knew it wouldn’t be talked about the next day, she never brought it up, something told her that he was uncomfortable telling her anything in the light. Maybe he lived so long in darkness that he only felt comfortable under its cover.

That night when they went to bed she asked,

"How old am I Severus?"

Severus stared out of the corner of his eye at her, why would she ask such a question?

"Seventeen." He answered, knowing that most sixth years were that age.

"No, sometime at the end of the year I'll turn twenty." It was a closely guarded secret, no one but the Headmaster actually knew.

"That's not possible." He said.

"I turned thirteen nineteen days after the start of my first year, then I used the time turner in my third year. You can run the spell if you'd like." She didn’t think he would right now, but she was sure that he would when she wasn’t paying attention.

"It does not change anything." He said to her, he wished it did. But only fools made wishes and he was no fool.

"Maybe not." She sighed.

"I think I might have an idea how to protect your parents."

"Well don’t keep me in suspense, what is it?"

"Memory modification."

"What?"

"Change their memories, give them the idea to go somewhere, and…and that they have no children." He didn’t know if she would like this last part of the plan.

Hermione was quiet for so long Severus thought she had fallen asleep before she said,

"That may work, but I don’t know about the memory charm."

"I'll help you."

"Thank you."

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Chapter 19

Hermione woke the next morning as sun streamed in through the window, she tried moving out of his arms, but he seemed to tighten them around her the more she moved.

He finally moved, kissing her temple before getting out of bed, Hermione wondered why he did that again. She had been sure that the other morning he was still not sure what was real, she was sure by this morning he was more himself, or at least his mind was. She sat up on the side of the bed, stretching before running her hands through her hair. When she lowered them he was sitting in the chair across from her.

"I believe that I am back to myself, more or less." He told her without preamble.

"So I can see." She said, not really wanting this time to end, but knowing that it had to. They both had commitments to the war.

Severus watched her, he wanted to extend their time together another day. Though he knew that if he did, it would be another, then another. No, he had made up his mind when he woke in the middle of the night that it had to be today.

"I see." She said quietly, "so you'll be leaving then." It was a statement, not a question. One that at this moment she didn’t want to face. She lowered her head, the floor had suddenly become more interesting.

Severus looked at the top of her head, she had given up something of herself to take care of him when she found him.  What did he give her in return, a few days that he was himself again. Or at least his mind was in order again. He was finally able to tell what was happening from what he thought was his mind playing tricks on him, and what his imagination had done to him. He reached out laying a hand on her head lightly, he smoothed her hair down before placing his fingers under her chin raising her head to look at him.

"If it was a different time, or a different place Hermione I would not hesitate." He told her honestly.

She nodded, she couldn’t talk at the moment. She wanted to say so many things to him, none of which she was allowed to say. She wondered why this felt like her soul was being ripped out, but she buried the thought, and corresponding feelings.

Severus cupped her cheek in his hand, he wondered why this felt like the hardest thing he was ever going to do. Parting from her was going to be torture, he knew this. He also knew that they both had tasks to perform. He reached out taking her arm, pulling her closer to him, he set her on his lap wrapping his arms around her.

He held her like that for a while, there was nothing left to say. Everything he wanted to tell her he had to keep in his heart, not because he didn’t think she'd be able to hide it, but because it wasn’t fair to her to lay that at her feet then walk away.

Hermione wanted to say so much, yet didn’t say anything. She calmed her mind, though she wanted to scream at the unfairness of this whole blasted war, and the snake face that wouldn’t stay dead. The one who this man that was holding her would have to return to, to be alone in his snake pit. She again called Albus Dumbledore a litany of unflattering names.

Her mind wandered back over the last two weeks, it seemed like such a short time to discover without doubt that you loved someone. She wished she could be sure that he felt the same, or even cared. Though this action told her more than any words could.

"Meet me here in two weeks, I'll have the plan for your parents worked out by then. I might have some information for the Order also."

Hermione turned to face him, she wondered why she was fighting it. To her it seemed like trying to fight the sun rising in the East. She cupped her hand to his cheek, and before she could even give it another thought she leaned over kissing him. She was elated when he returned her kiss, but before it could become more heated he pulled back saying,

"Hermione, we can't." He sounded almost regretful about that fact.

"I know, but…" what could she say, her mind ran a list of all the things he would say to her if she finished that sentence.

"Maybe after the war." He said sounding almost hopeful to Hermione.

"Maybe." She answered him as she stood up, she had to move away from him.

They spent the next several hours trying to avoid what was coming, and each other.

When they stood on the porch of the cottage Severus dressed in the clothes he had been wearing when he arrived here with her, he glanced over at her though he knew he shouldn’t have. He could see that she was fighting a battle with her emotions, without thought he stepped up to her pulling her close to him.

"Two weeks." He said.

She nodded against his shoulder where her head lay.

He pulled back, lifting her chin he kissed her slowly. It wasn’t a kiss of passion, or desire. Maybe longing of what they couldn’t have at the moment, but mostly it was a parting kiss. One that he wanted to have to remember that someone knew, that someone cared for him.

Hermione grabbed his biceps as he kissed her, it was bitter sweet. The first real kiss they shared had to be a kiss goodbye. When he finally broke the kiss he pulled back from her saying,

"Two weeks." He Disapperated before she could form another thought, or an answer to him.

*******

For Hermione the next two weeks seemed to be a series of ups, and downs. She tried again to make her parents understand the threat that she brought upon them, without success. She argued with Ron over him covering for her, and his demands to know where she had been, and who she had been with. This was sprinkled with time spent with her parents as a family, and spending a little time with her friends.

Hermione got lucky when her parents had to go out of town the day she was supposed to meet Severus at the cottage, they were to be gone for four days. They had tried to talk her into coming with them but she begged off saying that she had plans with one of the few Muggle friends she had and that she still needed to go get her school supplies.

Yes, she was lying about returning to school, but she still wanted the books so she could look over them.

Severus spent the next two weeks being lauded by the Dark Lord for his courage in killing Albus, it had truly bought his place at the right hand of the Dark Lord. He had prior knowledge of them moving Potter, of course he handed it over as he had been told to do.

Of course in securing his place in the pit of snakes, he lost his house guest. The Dark Lord trusted him without question now, Wormtail was kept close though Severus still could not discern the need for the traitor to the Dark Lord.

He had arrived at the cottage early, going inside he looked around. He knew Hermione would need something to carry a vast amount of things, but it would have to be small, and light. He found a beaded bag that he thought would work. He applied the charms to it, then waited.

Hermione took a deep breath before Apperating to the cottage, she knew she needed to calm her mind. It had been two weeks, she was sure that Severus would have reverted to his old self by now, and would have nothing but venom to spit at her. She had seen him at his most vulnerable, that was something he would not let pass without sarcastic remarks at least.

She saw him on the porch as she walked up to the cottage, her breath caught at the sight of him. Taking another cleansing breath she continued walking. She said nothing as she stepped on the porch, she waited for him to speak so she would know how to react to him.

Hermione knew she looked older, she did many things to hide the fact that she was not the same age as her peers. She was older, and when she watched his eyes move down her body, then back to meet hers. She also knew an appraising look when she saw one. She had been around enough to know that the look he gave her told her he wanted her. But knowing, and doing were two different things. For now all of what either of them wanted had to be put on the back burner, so to speak until the war was over.

Severus had steeled his resolve, he was not going to let her affect him this time. Until the moment he saw her walking toward him, he hadn’t truly been sure last time he saw her, even if they had spent days together. Now he knew that she hid a woman's body from everyone at Hogwarts,  this was no girl that came up to him. He found that he couldn’t help himself, yes he liked the female body, what was not to like. He could appreciate many things, about many different women. But when she stopped several feet from him his eyes wandered down her body, and back up to her face.

He stared into her honey colored eyes staring at him, he knew in that moment that she was aware of what he was doing, and didn’t find the fact that he gave her the once over objectionable. He couldn’t stop himself if he wanted to, he closed the space between them.

She stared up at him, looking into the depths of his black eyes. She knew he wanted to kiss her, she knew it with a certainty that she knew the sun set in the West. The question was, would he. Would he let himself go with her to give her what they both clearly wanted? Finally she took the initiative, "Well are you going to kiss me, or just stare?"

In the next moment she found herself in his arms, his lips on hers demanding entrance. She gave what he wanted, allowed him to kiss her with a heat that she never thought any man would possess let alone use on her. She moved her hands to his hair, threading her fingers in the silky strands holding him in place.

Severus had no idea what came over him, but she had asked. He found that he couldn’t deny her, he finally admitted to himself that he needed her, like he needed to breathe. When he broke the kiss he laid his forehead on hers, "I wasn’t going to do that, this is dangerous. If he ever found out we would both be dead."

Hermione's tongue darted out between her lips before she agreed with him,

"I know." She said, she could not admit to anything else, though her desire to was almost unbearable.

Finally Severus let go of her, "Come, we have many things to talk about."

Sitting at the kitchen table he slid the beaded bag over to her, "Pack everything you need in there, do not let it out of your sight."

"Everything? How in the world would this little bag hold everything?" she had picked it up turning it over inspecting it.

"I've placed a few books in there that you may need, go ahead pull them out." Severus was enjoying this, for the first time in his life he was looking forward to seeing the look of surprise on someone's face.

Hermione stuck her hand in the bag, then her arm. When she pulled it back out she looked at it then at him.

"Undetectable extension charm." He said to the question she didn’t voice.

"Like the TARDIS, bigger on the inside." Hermione said looking at him wondering if she was going to have to explain it to him. She was surprised by the small smile he was giving her which led her to speak before thinking. "You've seen Doctor Who?"

"I had a Muggle father, yes I have seen Doctor Who." He told her still smirking at her, he had been surprised that she knew of the show.

Hermione smiled at him, "So I can carry most anything I want."

"Yes, even if you are not part of Potter's plan it will not be safe for you to not go into hiding."  He couldn’t deny that he was worried, when the Ministry was taken over he knew her life would be in great danger.

"I understand." She said, not wanting to dwell on the danger that they both were in.

He told her of his plan to help with her parents, they worked out that in five days he would come to her house to help her change their memories, and everything they would need to relocate.

"Hermione, there is a plan in place to take over the Ministry of Magic on August first. Do not be anywhere near there at that time, or any time after that." He told her, trying to covey the seriousness of this fact. "You need to pass this on to the Order, though I honestly do not believe they will believe it until after the fact."

"You think that they won't believe me if I tell them."

"No I do not, but any information after that they will. Now tell me, who is involved in the relocation of Potter."

She told him the plan that he already knew, then the pairs.

"Who are you paired with?" he asked.

"Why?" she asked folding her hands together to stop the small tremor she was experiencing.

"I will be on this mission for the Dark Lord, I want to know who you will be with so I do not hex you."

She told him who her partner was, he gave away more in that moment than she knew he realized he did.

They spoke for some time about several different topics before she finally asked.

"It's late, are you staying here tonight?" She had to be honest, she had missed sleeping beside him. Of course she wouldn't let him know that.

Severus stood up, he hadn’t planned on staying. But he did miss her, he missed her lying beside him. He hadn’t realized until the first night he tried to sleep alone that there were a hundred little things that she brought with her. He couldn’t believe that he even missed hearing her breathe at night.

"Yes, I am staying."

Once they were lying in the dark, his arms wrapped around her he said,

"Every month from now until the end, on the day of the new moon I shall be here."

"Very well, I will try very hard to be here also." She said squeezing his arm before her breathing evened out and she fell asleep.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Chapter 20

Events seemed to move rapidly along, he showed up at her house five days after she had seen him at the cottage. He helped her with her parents, while they were still out of it he kissed her before he told her.

"You must leave now, don’t look back." He moved to the back garden as she walked out the front door to walk down the street.

Hermione turned to look back once, but kept walking. This was for the best, her parents would be safe. She walked away being of two minds. She was sad that she didn’t know when she'd see her parents again, and she was happy that they were going to safe from this war that her being a witch had got them into .

******

Her heart was pounding, they had just been attacked by Death Eaters. She knew one of them was Severus, she just had no idea which one it was. She hoped like hell that no one hit him as they all went in different directions.

The next morning she pulled Harry outside to talk to him, she knew he would be the one to take her news calmly. Ron would go off, and try to tell her what to do. Of course the lie she was going to tell was in half truths. Severus had told her to lie with the truth.

"I was given an assignment by Dumbledore." Hermione told Harry as they walked toward the pond, this would be a lie.

"What sort of assignment?" Harry asked her as he put his hands in his pockets.

"You cannot tell Ron about this, we can do that slowly." Hermione hoped that she'd have Harry's agreement to this.

"So it's going to be something that he is not going to like then." Harry stated.

"No, he's not going to like it." Hermione looked out over the pond, it was such a warm, calm day.

"So what is it?"

"I'm to meet with someone once a month."

"Who?" Harry asked, she now had his attention.

"A spy." Not a lie.

"Who is this spy?" Harry asked worry creeping into his voice.

"I don’t know." Another lie on her part.

"Dumbledore would not ask you to do such a thing Hermione."

"He did, and I agreed to be their contact." This was the truth, well partly.

"Who it is Hermione?" Harry asked, he always added her name when he was trying to be forceful.

"I already told you, I don’t know Harry. I was told to go somewhere once a month at a certain time to meet him, and acquire any information they have that could be helpful for the Order."

"I cannot believe that you would do this after what Snape did, how can you even trust any of them?" Harry asked crossing his arms over his chest.

"Trust them or not, I will still go to meet them. We need the information." Hermione countered.

"Then we will go with you."

"No, if I do not go alone we will get nothing." She couldn’t let him or Ron come with her, either one would kill or hex Severus on sight. "I can take care of myself, you know this."

"This is not a good idea, the last spy Dumbledore trusted got him killed."

"I will not discuss that with you Harry." No the last time she tried to talk to him reasonably he wouldn’t listen to her.

"Fine."

"And another thing, do not even think of trying to follow me when I go. You will not get far." It was the only threat he would get, she had several spells that would keep him and Ron where she wanted them to stay.

******

The day of the wedding came, Hermione realized that morning the waiting for what was to happen was tying her in knots. She had passed the information on to Remus and Tonks that the Ministry would fall that day. Of course with it being a source that neither of them, nor anyone in the Order knew it was deemed unreliable. Hermione bargained that if it was true they would at least not close their minds to the possibility of her passing on information. She also agreed to meet them one week later if what the spy said would pass did.

When she met Tonks a week later she was told that any information she obtained would be taken under advisement. It was the best that Hermione could hope for after the Order being being burned badly by Severus.

********

Then the day came that she was going to have to tell Ron that she was going to meet a spy to see if he had information for her to pass on. She had dreaded this, she knew Ron well enough to know that he was not going to take this information well. She also knew now that Harry had calmed about it he would be on her side. Though she was sure that they both would fight her on the 'I'm going alone' part.

Hermione took a deep breath as they sat at the table in the kitchen, she had a mug of coffee with her hands wrapped around it staring down at the handle of the cup she finally said,

"I was given an assignment by Dumbledore." She finally looked up to Harry looking resigned, and Ron looked a little shocked.

"What kind of assignment?" Ron asked, as he looked across the table at her.

"I am to meet with a spy once a month so they can pass on any inform--" Ron cut her off as he stood.

"Absolutely not." He said loudly, "Have you forgotten what that backstabbing bat did? You cannot go, I won't allow it."

This was absolutely the wrong thing to say to Hermione. Harry knew it, she could see it in her face that she hadn’t expected Ron to say what he had. Hermione let go of her mug standing up on the other side of the table.

"Excuse me? You won't allow it? Just who in the hell do you think you are? And here I thought I was going to have an adult conversation with you, I should have known that you were not mature enough for such a thing. Now let me tell you what is going to happen; I am leaving tomorrow, you will not follow me because if you do there will be hexes thrown and hell to pay. You will not interfere with my task, the person I am going to meet I would trust with my life, just as I trust you. I will be gone overnight, and hopefully when I return I will have some information." Hermione walked away, she had known for a little while now that Ron thought they could be something more. She would agree, maybe at the beginning of the last school year they might have become something. But then he showed just how immature he was with Lavender, that whole fiasco put her off of Ron as anything but a friend.

"We are not done here." Ron said as she reached the doorway.

"Yes we are Ronald, I am my own person I will do what I see as right. The person I am going to meet would never harm me," Hermione held up her hand when Ron opened his mouth to keep him quiet, "I met them numerous times over the last year. If you attempt to interfere in any way, I will put a body bind on you, that goes for both of you," She looked at Harry, "You will not cock this up, am I understood?"

"Have you even thought that if this person is with Voldemort then Snape knows them, Snape who can read someone's mind. You're just going off to meet this person, I always thought you were smart Hermione." Ron told her.

"I am not going to reveal to you, at least not now, the steps that I have to take when I meet them. Needless to say, if Professor Snape reads this persons mind he would never see me there. Steps were taken to ensure such a thing, the most that would happen would be that they would be found a spy, and killed."

Hermione walked out of the kitchen leaving them to it, she would do what she thought was right as she told Ron she would. They needed this link into the snake pit, and she did trust Severus with her life even if the boys didn’t.

Hermione spent the evening taking precautions, that they would not be able to follow her. The last thing she needed was for the boys to find out who she was really meeting. Though she trusted Severus without doubt, they didn’t, and were not meant to at this moment.

She took the invisibility cloak adding it to her beaded bag, she went down early. Her plan had been to Apparate from the back porch of Grimmauld Place, not to go directly to the cottage. She had several stops in mind before she arrived at her final destination.

When she walked through the kitchen the boys were sitting at the table, neither said a word to her as she stepped out the back door. She made sure they saw when she checked herself for tracking charms, of course they tried it, and she removed the charm before apperating. When she arrived at her first stop she checked again, only to find two more.

She went right back to Grimmauld Place, she slammed open the door saying,

"You are going to have to try better than that, _Petrificus Totalus_. I told you both not to even try to follow me. I know what I'm doing, I've been doing this longer than either of you know, and I will protect the identity of this person. Now that I see the trust you have in me, you will be bound until it wears off. Good luck in trying to apperate from anywhere near here. And for acting the fools, I'll be gone until I cool off." Hermione slammed back out the door, with a crack she was gone.

It was good thing she lied to them about the date she was suppose to meet the 'spy'. She knew of a cottage a great aunt owned in Ireland, she was staying there tonight. She knew the boys would try something like this. It made her angry that they didn’t trust her, or her ability as a witch. She knew that they thought they were protecting her, but she had proved time and again that she could take care of herself.

She set wards around the cottage, she still jumped a little when she heard a strange noise, this place was not much better than shack anymore, but it was dry and it did keep the wind off of you. Finally to take her mind off of the boys being such arses she sat at the small table pulling  out the book Dumbledore left her, and began reading.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Chapter 21

_~August New Moon~_

Hermione entered the cottage where she was to meet Severus to find he had not arrived yet. She found some clothes for herself, then went to shower. She was hoping the hot, pounding water would ease some of her tension. She was still quite angry with Harry and Ron for acting the way they did, and trying to follow her when she had asked them to leave it alone.

She parted the back of her hair letting the spray tap rhythmically on the back of her neck, trying to ease some of the tension headache that had started last night.

Severus stepped into the house, he heard the shower running letting him know that she was here. He found himself breathing a sigh of relief, he had been worried that she wouldn’t be able to come, or that those two friends of hers would follow her. They had talked about that the last time they met, it had been decided that if they followed her, she wouldn’t come. He didn’t like that plan, he wanted to see her. He was honest enough with himself to admit that he missed her, and had been looking forward to this day for weeks now.

Of course he had set his resolve again not to touch her, he had not lied. It was dangerous for them to engage in anything other than the sharing of information. His mind came up with enough scenarios of what would happen if they were ever found out, too many. Most ending with him being forced to watch her being brutality raped before they killed her and him.

He looked up when the door opened to see her standing in the door way in one of those thin strapped tops she slept in, and a pair of sleep pants. He looked her up and down slowly, his resolve broke. Standing he went to her, pulling her into his arms and crushing his mouth to hers. He felt her arms twine around his neck as he deepened the kiss wrapping his arms tighter around her.

He fought with everything else he wanted, banishing them to the back of his mind. This was enough, for now. He couldn’t think about more until later, much later. When he broke the kiss laying his forehead on hers she said to him quietly.

"Miss me much?"

"Not at all." He answered her before kissing her nose then stepping back.

They spent most of the day on the sofa talking, he told her that he would be named headmaster at Hogwarts.

"I figured that much out." She told him as she turned to face him.

"Take the portrait of Phineas Black, keep it with you. Use it only if the need is dire to contact me." Severus had thought of this a few days ago, it would be a way that if they had to contact one another they could, but only in an extreme emergency.

"I'll do that when I return."

They talked well into the night, finally going to bed to hold one another until morning.

_~September New Moon~_

Severus had been here for several hours now pacing, he heard her on the porch then the door open admitting her into the cottage. When the door shut he descended on her like she was prey.

"I could wring your damn fool neck, what in the nine circles of hell were you thinking?" he spat at her as he stood not a foot from her. What they had done had been foolish, and though he would only admit it to himself in the dark of night it had scared him. The thought of what could happen to her frightened him more than he ever wanted to admit.

Hermione looked at him for several moment, "What must be done, the same as you. Do you think I don't worry every minute of the day because I know where you are, who you have to be with?"

Severus took a step back, she sounded…resigned. Like she had expected him to yell, and she was just going to take it. He raised his hand brushing the backs of his fingers over her cheek, "Did you obtain what you risked your life for?"

Hermione looked up at him, she knew he was going to be like this when she came. What she had figured out was that he had been worried and maybe even scared, it just came out as anger.

"Yes, we found it. Now we have to find a way to destroy it."

"Was it worth the danger you put yourself in?"

"Severus." He took risks everyday, her only hope, if she could call it that, was that he was safer now he was at Hogwarts. Though she didn’t think that was all that much safer with the Death Eaters that were on staff now. "You put yourself in danger everyday."

"I can take care of myself, I have for--"

Hermione interrupted him, "Do you think that negates my worry? You're outnumbered among them, there is no one there to watch your back. You are alone among them, and I worry every fucking day that I'll hear on the wireless that you've been found out and they killed you for it. Or that I will come here one month and you will never show because they are keeping you or have killed you and are covering it up."

He pulled her to him, this was why he had tried to fight them becoming close to one another. He didn’t want to cause her this type of pain.

"We both take risks, neither of us have much of a choice. It's the nature of ridding the world of Snake Face, I know this. I accept this, Severus. I cannot control what happens to either of us, I can only hope that we both make it to the next new moon."

Severus tightened his arms around her, "I understand that we have to take chances, that doesn’t mean that I have to like it when you put yourself in danger."

"Then we do agree on something, I don’t have to like the danger you're in either."

Severus leaned back looking at her when she turned her face up to look at him, he was overcome with the need in that moment to taste her. He lowered his head, touching his lips to hers. She opened herself to him, he slid his tongue across hers trying to find every corner of her mouth. Memorizing every contour and the sounds she made as he moved his hands to her neck running his thumbs down the slender column to her collar bones. He wanted to go further, but remembered himself breaking the kiss. When she whimpered he said, "We cannot."

Hermione nodded, she stepped back from him. She knew he would stop them, he always did.

Taking her hand, he led her to the bedroom. "Let me hold you as we sleep." He almost commanded her. There was nothing to pass on that couldn’t wait, they laid down and he wrapped his arms around her moments later they both slept.

_~October New Moon~_

Hermione sat on the sofa reading, there was something in this book. She just wished she could find it, or that it would jump out at her. She was tired, she had figured out a few days ago that they would need the sword of Gryffindor to destroy the locket. Ron became angry, leaving, which in turn made her think he had not grown up at all.

Harry didn’t bother her about meeting the spy, she always came back with some bit of information. She never returned harmed so Harry didn’t say anything when she left this morning.

She heard the door open, looking up she watched as Severus walked over sitting beside her on the sofa. He didn’t say anything for some time. She finally broke the silence,

"Ron left, just walked away."

Severus looked over at her, he had known that if any of them were going to quit it would be Weasley.  He had no idea what to say to her about this turn of events, it was close to impossible to gather information from Phineas when Albus almost always stayed in his portrait.

"You both need to be very careful, something is being planned I just have not been privy to what it is yet."

Hermione set the book she was reading down in her lap looking over to him,

"There is always something." Hermione told him.

Severus picked up the book off Hermione's lap, setting it on the low table. His intention was to go to bed, to hold her close to him.

Hermione turned kissing him, it was light at first. But then she ran her tongue along his bottom lip, he allowed her to deepen the kiss.

He had no idea how it happened, but the next thing he knew she was straddling him grinding herself against him. He was kissing down her neck, his hands were touching her skin at her waist where her shirt had rode up.

Hermione had her hands in his hair, loving the feel of the silky strands against her fingers. She wanted him, badly. If she was honest, she had wanted him for a long time and them denying themselves was driving her crazy. She pulled his hair moving his head to the side then ran kisses along his jaw and neck.

Severus moved his hands to her wrist, he wanted this but knew he needed to end it before they went too far.

"Hermione." He said quietly to her.

"No."

"Hermione, we have to stop."

Hermione sat back, he could see the desire in her eyes. He had no doubt that she wanted him just as much as he wanted her.

"Yes, of course." She moved off him walking to the bathroom, he was sure she closed the door with a little more force than was needed.

That night after they both had showered and were lying in bed together he said,

"Don’t doubt that I want to make love to you as badly as you want to--"

"Severus, stop talking about it. You are going to keep denying me until after the war, and hell if one of us die then we wont know what we are missing."

"Don’t be like that, you know that if my walls slip you would be in much more danger than you already are."

"I know, but you need to understand that I don’t like it and I don’t have to either."

"Neither do I."

Severus pulled her close to him, thanking any deity that was listening that she wasn’t one to push him away when she was upset with him.

_~November & December New Moon~_

The meetings in November and December proceeded in much the same way, they would meet, he would warn her that something was being planned that he wasn’t privy to yet. He started bringing her things that he thought they needed, food, potions, books.

Severus worried about her everyday, Phineas and him had worked out a system, and though the former headmaster wasn’t happy about it he always gave a signal that they were still alive at least.

Severus heard about the plan too late, he had not been informed until tonight, after they had escaped. Merry fucking Christmas, she could have gotten herself killed with this fool stunt and he was sure that it was Potter's plan. He had told her to stay away from Godrick's Hallow, he was sure that fool boy would rush in there the first chance he got to see where it happened.

The Dark Lord was not stupid, he knew the boy would go there in time. He paced the office, looking up he saw Phineas nod at him. They at least were not injured badly.

The next evening he walked into his office when Albus informed him that he had to take the sword to them. Severus shot a look at Phineas who said they were in the forest of Dean.

Severus ran across Weasley looking for them also, he set it so both of them would leave. He had to have a few moments to make certain she was fine. Once they were both far enough away, he found the wards easy enough and walked through to the tent and found her sleeping.

Hermione heard her name called, finally she opened her eyes to see a face over her that if she was honest with herself she had badly needed to see in the last couple of days but then the reality of it set in and she finally said, "Dreaming?" She sat up to see him move back a bit.

"No, not a dream."

She jumped up, "You can't be here, if Harry sees you he'll kill you. Well, he will try and then I will…"

"Hermione," He said to her sternly she turned to face him when he said, "He's busy, I…"

She walked over to him, very few times had she ever known him to be at a loss for words. She laid her hand on his arm looking at him before he finally said. "I had to know that you were not injured."

To Hermione he looked almost lost, she wondered again how long he had went without caring for anyone. "I'm fine Severus, yes it was terrifying, but we made it out and are still alive."

She closed the distance between them knowing that he would hold her, and wrapped her arms around him. She felt his arms come around her holding her close to him, "You take too many risks." He dropped his arms sitting in the chair behind him.

Hermione watched him, she knew that his statement was as close as she would get right now of any kind of declaration from him, but it meant more to her than she could say at the moment.

Severus reached out taking her hand, and pulling her to sit on his lap.

"You are taking the biggest risk of all, Severus. Do you think that I don’t worry about you amongst them." She said as she laid her head on his shoulder.

They sat in silence for several minutes before he finally spoke, "Hermione, do you remember when you told me why you wanted to protect your mind from invasion?"

Yes she remembered, he had been livid when she had told him why, that she knew what the Headmaster ordered him to do. She had been terrified for days that he would Obliviate her. "Yes, I remember." Still a tiny bit scared that he would still take the memory from her.

"I never got the chance to tell you why I taught you Occlumency." He moved his hand to her hair playing with a soft curl around his finger. "Would you still like to know?"

"Of course I would." She said as she sat up looking at him.

"I did it because Albus ordered me not to offer to teach you or Weasley the art."

It took several moments for the words to sink in before she jumped up, "You used me in some game with the Headmaster." She tried to walk away from him but he pulled her back onto his lap before saying.

"A better question would have been why he didn’t want you to be able to protect your mind from invasion." He knew the moment her mind started turning that fact over, her eyes got that far away look they always did when she was mulling over a problem. He knew the moment the answer came to her also. She looked at him before saying,

"That manipulative bastard, he was teaching Harry and if he could shield his mind then the Headmaster wouldn’t know what we were up to. So he was going to use Ron and I to do it."

"You are correct."

"Did he ever find out?"

"Yes he did, he was upset to say the least. But it was a technicality, he had ordered me not to offer to teach you or Weasley. You had asked me, and when I told him that I thought your reasoning was valid that I agreed." Severus took his wand out making her jump off his lap pointing her own wand at him saying,

"You are not going to take my memories."

"Of course not," Severus admitted he was a little taken back that she thought he would, "I'm going to return one, one that you agreed to have hidden, but now it does not matter if you have the memory or not."

He hated that he gave her that frightened look, she looked skittish and about to bolt. He moved his wand still pointing down before saying.

"You made me swear to return this to you."

She showed a vast trust in him, "Very well."

When he was finished she looked at him, "Oh my God, we planned it."

"Yes, I had to have something to show him if he ever found out."

"Did he look at it?"

"Yes, by then there was nothing he could do about it. You were able to protect your mind and his plans to use you in that way were dust. Your mind was protected and he couldn’t very well do anything to his spy now could he? He didn’t let it go per say, but he did drop it."

"That night when Harry over heard you and Dumbledore and the Headmaster sounded as if he didn’t care…"

"He was still angry with what I had done, but what he never understood was that I was angry that he thought me so cold that I could kill him and any revenge was better than none for asking that of me."

"Am I being used still by you in some game?" Hermione asked not sure she wanted to know the answer.

Severus wrapped one arm around her before using his other to make her look at him.

"You were never used, not by me. You wanted to learn something I could teach you, you had calmed your Gryffindor tendencies, which I attributed later to what happened in the Ministry. You presented yourself and your arguments well, and I saw your reasoning for wanting to know. I don’t think I will ever be able to express how grateful I am for you loyalty though. You changed to obtain something to protect yourself for me. No one had ever done that for me before."

Hermione felt her eyes burn, she knew she couldn’t cry in front of him, but his words were soothing to her soul. She had never thought he would understand, but he did, and to hear him say that no one had done something like that for him made her heart ache. She watched as he leaned closer to her, closing her eyes she felt his lips brush hers in a very chaste kiss before he pulled her closer to him, and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

She lost track of how long they sat there wrapped around one another, she wondered not for the first time if he was hiding feelings for her as she was for him. When he pulled back saying,

"I must be going, they will return soon."

"They?"

"Yes, I saw Weasely out there also."

"Prat, he took off then has the bollocks to come back."

"I know your upset with him, but he is needed in this fight."

"I know, but…I'm just tired."

"As am I."

"Please stay safe."

"You do the same."

He leaned down kissing her forehead before leaving the tent, and moving beyond the wards to Disapperate.

Hermione sat down on her bed, she missed him. She had spent so much time trying to deny what she felt for him, those feelings wouldn’t serve her and in this time they might just bring her pain, more pain than she could handle.

_~January New Moon~_

It was well into the next day before Severus was able to meet her, he found her asleep on the sofa. Kneeling down beside it he lightly brushed the hair from her face, he wished he could have gotten away sooner than he had.

He watched as her eyes blinked open looking sleepily up at him,

"Come Hermione, let's go to sleep."

The next morning she told him about wanting to go see Luna's father, he warned her about the danger in doing such as Luna was being kept by Malfoy.

_~Feburary New Moon~_

They met at the appointed time, Severus didn’t have any information of value to pass on to her so she talked about the quest that they were on.

_~March New Moon~_

This time Severus was going to wring her fool neck, they had went to Lovegood only for him to call in Death Eaters to hand them over. Escaping them they were caught by Snatchers, and taken to Malfoy manor. Where if Bellatrix was to be believed she tortured Hermione for information on that fucking sword that he gave to them.

He looked up when he heard the door open, all thoughts of wringing her neck left him in an instant. She looked terrible, he went to her taking her hand he said nothing as he led her to the bedroom. He gave her potions. When she took off her sweater he saw it, he took her arm in his hand lightly running his thumb over the word 'Mudblood' Bellatrix had carved there.

He finally looked up to see tears falling silently from her eyes, he leaned close her, "This matters not Hermione, it's not what you are. Not to anyone who cares about you, it's only  a word, nothing more. I cannot think of anything I could care less about than what she carved there."

Hermione had been so worried that he wouldn’t want her after seeing how scared she was by that in her arm. She threw her arms around his neck pulling him into bed with her saying.

"I need you to hold me."

Severus didn’t have to be told twice, he wrapped her in his arms holding her back against his chest.

_~April New Moon~_

"Absolutely not, do you have any idea how dangerous the Goblins are?" Severus was furious that this was a plan they had come up with.

"It's the only way to get the Hufflepuff cup, it's in Bellatrix's vault so we must go, or we will have no chance in hell of beating that snake faced bastard." She was tired of the males in her life trying to tell her what to do, she could take care of herself.

"You're talking about breaking into a bank, robbing a vault. A Goblin run bank, Potter has lost his ever loving mind if he thinks this is a good idea." Severus knew that he would never be able to talk her out of this, hell he even agreed that it needed to be done. His anger over this plan was that it involved Hermione and put her in danger.

"We know the risk Severus, is it any different than the risk you take everyday?" she asked, knowing that all of this was coming from him not wanting her to be in danger.

Severus sat down on the sofa, Hermione sat beside him.

They sat in silence for several minutes before Hermione moved over kissing him, she asked and received acceptance to deepen the kiss. Moving she straddled his lap before kissing down his neck.

"Hermione, stop… stop." Taking her arms in his hands he pushed her away from him. "We cannot."

Hermione stood pacing, why was it either she stopped them from going further or he did? She could feel that the end was near, she wanted him, she wanted to feel him moving in her.

Severus stood, going to her to stop her pacing,

"I promise you when this is over--" Hermione cut him off.

"Do not make promises that you may not be able to keep."

Severus knew she had no idea how tightly he was reigning in his emotions toward her. When he loved her for the first time he wanted to free to do so.

 

 

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Chapter 22

The battle raged around them as they ran, Harry in the lead with Hermione then Ron. They weaved through giants, around acromantula. Dodging hexes, and curses. They were following Harry's lead, Voldemort was in the Shrieking Shack so they were going to confront him.

When they reached the crawl space they heard voices, Hermione knew Severus' voice. He was asking to go look for Harry, to be allowed to bring him to the Dark Lord. Hermione unconsciously grabbed Harry's hand tightly, her other hand going to her mouth.

Harry looked over at Hermione then back to the scene that was playing out in the room, in an instant he knew. She had been meeting with Snape all this time, he was still spying for them, helping them. When he heard Voldemort saying that he wished it could be another way Harry's attention was drawn back to the room.

He saw the snake in its magic bubble lower over Snape's head then it attacked him. Seconds later Voldemort was gone.

Hermione had bit her hand to keep from screaming, this was her worse nightmare come to life. Once they were in the room she knelt on one side of Severus while Harry was on the other. She paid no mind to what was being said, she was too busy trying to find potions to save the Headmaster's life.

She handed Harry an empty bottle when he asked not really taking her mind off the task at hand.

Severus gave what he was supposed to, to Potter, he then turned looking at Hermione, his Angel. He knew it was his fault that she was crying, he reached for her hand. In the distance he heard Potter telling Weasley to come with him and the other boy trying to drag Hermione away.

Hermione stood the second time Ron tried to pull her back, she backed him out the door saying "I do not give a flying fuck at the moment what you think Ronald, no one deserves to die alone. Not even him, now, go take care of what you need to."

She turned back to kneel beside Severus, she saw his hand taking it in hers, "You promised me."

Harry pulled Ron away, finally getting him to follow him.

"Angel…" Severus could not think of one thing to say to her, well he did think of a couple, "I never meant to make you cry."

She tried to smile at him, but it broke with her saying to him.

"I know."

Severus raised his other hand brushing her cheek, she leaned down kissing him as he whispered to her.

"I love you Angel."

Hermione cried harder as she heard these words, "I love you, please stay with me." Hermione was sure that even with what she had given him it was a loosing battle, but she couldn’t help herself but to beg him not to die. She felt him squeeze her hand a moment before it went  limp. She sobbed as she laid her head on his chest, she knew she needed to move. She knew her work wasn’t done yet no matter how much she just wanted to curl up next to him and sleep.

*******

Harry came down the stairs, he saw Hermione standing looking into the Great Hall. He saw Ron still with his family. Harry laid his hand on her back, she turned looking at him.

"It was him, he was the spy you met with."

Hermione could only nod.

"He gave me the memory of why your faith in him never wavered, why you lost respect for Dumbledore."

"It was the hardest thing in the world to not tell you that I knew without a doubt that Severus was not a cold blooded killer, that this was all demanded by that bearded bastard to achieve an end."

"I know, I'm sorry Hermione." Harry pressed a bottle into her hand, "he left a memory for you. I didn’t look at it past where he asked me to give it to you."

Hermione looked down in her hand, there was a vial with the smoky whisp of a memory. She laid her other hand over his, "Thank you Harry."

When Ron joined them Harry told them that he had to go alone, Hermione had known this end was coming, she had figured out a while back that Harry was the last Horcrux. She embraced him tightly before watching him walk away with more tears streaming down her face.

**********

Harry came up to Hermione, it was over. Voldemort was dead, for good this time.

"Hermione, do you want to come with me. I'm not leaving him in that filthy place any longer."

Hermione only nodded.

When they walked into room to find it empty Hermione fell to her knees sobbing, she knew what this meant. Harry joined her on the floor trying to console her. She babbled at him about how they knew he was a traitor and would do terrible things to his body.

******

Days passed, Hermione finally told Ron and Harry the whole story. While Harry remained quiet and supportive Ron became angry, he made it sound like the only reason he came back was for her, to find that she had been fucking that greasy git. He left in a snit of epic proportions.

"He's just--"

"Don’t defend him Harry, he's an immature prat that I have not fancied for some time. There is something you need to know." Hermione went on to tell Harry about her age, the why and how comes. When she finished he said,

"Well that explains why you always seemed more mature."

When she didn’t say anything else he finally asked,

"Have you looked at them yet?"

"No, I don’t know if I can." She didn’t know if she wanted to know what Severus had left her in those memories.

"I'll be right here where you're ready, though I don’t think I should see them, he seemed…I don’t know they just seemed too personal."

"Thank you."

********

A year passed, Hermione looked at the bottle of memories everyday, and everyday couldn’t bring herself to look at them. She couldn’t go to the cottage either, she tried once and had to leave before taking a step inside.

That night she had a dream, one that when she woke she knew that today would be the day she looked at what he wanted her to know.

She still didn’t want to be alone and contacted Harry, after a year Ron still barley spoke to her.

She sat in her parents sitting room, the pensive on the coffee table Harry was sitting beside her he squeezed her hand saying,

"I'll be right here." He let go allowing her to view Severus Snape's memories that were meant just for her.

Hermione took a deep breath to steel herself before leaning over the Pensive, and falling into the memory.

_"Potter." Hermione turned, it was like looking at a portrait. No, that wasn’t right. He was looking in a mirror as he spoke. She just stood there watching Severus speak, her eyes were already burning with unshed tears. She may not have gotten to spend that much time with him, but she missed him all the same. "I have only one thing to  ask of you. Not for myself, no I would never expect anything from you for myself, but for Hermione. I ask that you give her these memories that follow, that you respect her privacy, and not look at them. That is all, if you think as much of your friend as she does of you I would not think this would be hard for you to do."_

_The memory seemed to spin but not much, then he was looking into a different mirror. When he spoke it was to her, and it only took her a moment to figure out that he made these memories by speaking into a mirror, and that he did it for her._

_"Hermione, I debated for a long time as to whether to do this or not. If you are watching these memories then I did not survive past the final battle, for if I did it is my intention to tell Potter that I want them back for everything I am going to tell you I would do so myself."_

_"You, my Angel saved me in more ways than I ever knew I needed to be saved, yes I had to have someplace to go to be away from it all. I would create a whole life in my mind, a life without the Dark Lord where I could have the life that I threw away so foolishly in my youth. I had done this over the years when I needed a break from reality, never Hermione had I ever put one of my students in the place of a partner. I could sit here for hours guessing at why my mind chose you that first time, I have no idea other than I've never been closer to any of my students as I have been to you."_

_"I still kept that world separate from the reality of my life, when you told me the reason you wanted to learn Occumancly I thought of Obliviating the memory from you. Allowing you to walk away never knowing until the end that I only did what I was ordered to do. I tried to do it every month when we met, I couldn’t bring myself to destroy anything in that brilliant mind of yours."_

_"When you found me walking down that street, I had retreated to you in my mind. I couldn’t face what I had done, the one person in my sorry life that believed in me forced me to kill him. No that's not right, you believed in me also. I hurt so badly when you found me, then we shared a kiss. I truly thought it was in my head, that you couldn’t possibility want me in such a way. You took me to that cottage, you cared for me for days. You never asked, you Hermione Granger didn’t ask me any questions. You gave me so much of what I needed from the moment you found me on that street."_

_"I wanted to run from you, I wanted to run to you. You terrified me, you would pull the most dangerous things then return to me. I wanted to kill you, I wanted to pull close, and never let you go. You will never know how much it took me to walk away from you every time we parted when all I wanted to do was run away with you."_

_"All these words are just so I can say these to you one time, I love you Hermione. Now I don’t want you to spend years mourning, the one thing that I think I will hate about my life ending is not the dying, it's the leaving you behind. Now go and live your life my Angel and know that you made the last months of my life the happiest I have ever been."_

Hermione found herself back on her sofa sobbing as Harry wrapped his arms around her, she leaned onto his shoulder.

Hermione jerked awake, she had cried herself to sleep. Harry was still there sitting beside her with an arm around her, finally he said,

"I have never asked, what made you trust him even after he killed Dumbledore."

"Remember that hex I suffered at the end of our fifth year," at his nod she said, "I was still there after everyone left, Poppy wouldn’t let me go home yet. One night I wanted to obtain permission to the restricted section of the library, I couldn’t find a professor so I went to ask Dumbledore. I overheard him tell Severus to kill him when the time was right, I heard Severus almost beg to not have to do it. Over the summer I made up my mind that if only one person would believe in him it would be me. When we came back I asked him for books on Occumencly, he taught me. Though he did start it to get back at Dumbledore for forcing him. Later after we all went home I was at a café just sitting out front when I saw Severus walking down the street, I almost didn’t recognize him."

Hermione stood up, she needed to walk. She needed a lot of things she was not going to get in her life. She knew without a doubt that she just missed her one chance at a never ending love.

"I took him to my grandparents cottage, and took care of him for a couple of weeks, he was…he had torn his soul doing what Dumbledore asked him to do. He was so very sick, but somewhere in the months that followed I fell in love with him. He was a good man Harry, all he did was make a bad choice when he was younger than we are."

Harry had watched her as she paced, he had known that she loved Severus. He was almost sure that the sour man had loved her too. It was something about the way he spoke to him when he asked Harry to give the memories to Hermione.

"I know he was, you don’t have to convince me. I think he loved you too." He watched as she nodded, he knew in the Pensive was the first and last time his best friend would ever hear Severus Snape say those words to her. He stood going to her, "I could tell you a million things at this moment, but none of them mean a thing. Some day it wont hurt to think of him or the time you spent with him."

Hermione wrapped her arms around her best friend, she hoped he was right.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Chapter 23

Hermione walked up to the cottage, she had been here once since the week before the final battle at Hogwarts. Since he died, and his body disappeared from the Shrieking Shack. She had carried terrible nightmares of what they did to him after his body was taken, he was a traitor in the eyes of the Death Eaters. Though none of them would admit to it, she knew they had done something to him.

She found too many memories for her to stay more than a few minutes, then she cried for days for what was lost. Of course everyone was right, it was foolish to pay for a flat when she had a perfectly good cottage she could live in. Of course what none of them understood was the memories that came with it.

She had plans, she was changing everything about it. She wasn’t a witch for nothing, a whole new layout, and all new furniture would, she hoped not remind her of the times she spent here with him. Every room carried some memory of him within its walls, she hated to be reminded of him.

Taking a deep breath she opened the door, stepping inside. Everything in her hands dropped to the floor from her nerveless fingers when she saw him standing across the room. A band tightened around her chest, making it difficult to breathe. A million things went through her mind all at the same time, but she couldn’t find anything to say out loud. Tears came quickly to her eyes, spilling over down her cheeks. Finally she breathed out one word in question.

"Ghost?"

"No." he answered her quietly.

Severus had returned here every month for the last two years, always on the date that they had met here those months that she was his contact for the Order. He had no idea why she never showed up, but he never gave up. One day he knew she would be here, what he had not expected was how pale she became at seeing him. He told her to come here, if he could by any means he would be here. Of course he knew that it might be difficult for her to get away for a few months, but he still came, waiting.

He took a step toward her, it had been too long since he held her, and all he wanted was to wrap her in his arms, and never let her go again.

They met in the middle of the room, Hermione looked up at him then pulled her fist back punching him in the jaw. "You son of a bitch! You fucking made me think you were dead! Bastard!"

Hermione sat down on the floor sobbing, so many emotions were spilling out of her. Things she had kept well hidden for almost four years now, she couldn’t control them no matter how hard she tried.

Severus dropped to his knees beside her, her pain was so evident. He didn’t know that she thought he was dead for all this time. He couldn’t imagine what she had gone through thinking him dead.

"I thought they took your body…did terrible things to you…you…you were a traitor to them." Hermione said, as she started to rock as she wrapped her arms around her knees as she drew them up to her chest.

Severus had no idea what to do, she was in pain, a pain he was the cause of. He finally reached out to touch her shoulder, she jerked away from him. He balled his fist up, then reached out to her with both hands pulling her to him. She struggled with him at first, but then she gave in sobbing into his chest as he held her.

He had no idea how long they sat on the floor like they were, but as he tried to sooth her he knew that he hadn’t told her to meet him here, well not all of it. He assumed she would know to meet him after the battle, though he never said it.

Hermione sobs became quieter, then stopped. She hated how puffy she knew her eyes would be, and how blotchy her face would look. Not to mention she couldn’t breathe now either. When she tried to pull away his arms tightened around her.

"I'm so sorry Hermione, I never meant to hurt you like that. I love you."

Hermione pulled back then looking up at him, she tried to tell if he was being honest with her. He was so damn hard to read.

Severus framed her face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe away the last of her tears. He leaned over kissing her lightly on the lips before laying his forehead on hers saying,

"You are my angel, you saved me in more ways than I ever knew I needed to be saved. I didn’t ever want to hurt you, your too pure to know that kind of pain."

Hermione laid her hands on his biceps, tears spilling over from her eyes again. He might think that she was 'too pure' but she still had felt that kind of pain. She hadn’t been sure he was real until she touched him, he was here. Alive, and well in her house. Taking a deep shaky breath she finally said.

"It shattered my heart." It was all she could say before she noticed tears in his eyes, which only caused more in hers.

"I'm sorry, so sorry. Everything I touch, I ruin in some way." He said to her as he looked down at the floor.

Hermione moved her hands to his face making him look at her again, she was louder when she spoke this time.

"I never said that you couldn’t put it back together again, Severus. I've loved you for longer than I will even admit right now, though I didn’t know it until that night. Not truly, every time the feeling came up I would bury it. But it didn’t matter, I still felt it. Promise me you'll never do anything like this to me again, I don’t know if I'll survive the next time."

"Never." He said to her before he lightly brushed his lips over hers again causing her to whimper.

When he pulled back she said quietly,

"Make love to me Severus."

He studied her face, taking in her honey colored eyes. She hadn’t used any other terms for what she wanted, she wanted him to love her. Slowly he pulled her toward him as he lowered his head, capturing her lips with his. The touch of his lips to hers, was soft, gentle. Then her words sank into him, he took in their meaning causing his desire to hold her, to feel her come undone around him, increase. He ran his tongue across the seam of her lips causing her to whimper before opening her mouth to him.

He didn’t ravish her mouth, he slowly mapped every hidden area he found with his tongue. He knew his actions hurt her, he was so lucky that she was allowing him to put her back together. Slowly he moved his hands down to her sides, finally to her waist.

Hermione thought he would deny her again, as he had done the few times she had wanted him. When he looked at her, into her eyes she opened every defense to him. She was surprised when she didn’t feel him slip into her mind, her eyes drifted shut as he leaned closer pulling her to him. The touch of his lips on hers was light, it made her feel very cared for, like he was scared he would break her. When she felt his tongue run lightly cross her lips she whimpered, it had been too long since she felt anything like this. She couldn’t bear having anyone's touch, let alone allowing them to kiss her in the last two years. She moved her hands back into his hair, then he was pulling her closer, and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

Holding her in his arms felt so much like coming home, it was the only thing he could liken it to. It was almost what he felt at the end of summer when he was returning to Hogwarts, the castle had been his home for years, holding her felt like that, but so much more. He moved up onto his knees, forcing her to do the same. He wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her tighter to him, Merlin, he just wanted to crawl inside her, crawl into her pocket, and live there forever.

Hermione moved up onto her knees when he did, their kiss not breaking. It was so slow, nothing like she had expected it to be. She had waited for this for so long that she would follow anywhere he led her at the moment, however he wanted it, she'd give it to him. She opened her eyes when he pulled her tighter to him, his arms wrapping around her waist to where his hands were on the opposite sides of her. She slowly closed her eyes again, running the fingers of one hand into his hair.

Severus broke the kiss, slowly placing small kisses along her jaw line back to her ear. Once he placed a small kiss on the lobe he whispered to her as he sat back on his heels.

"Wrap your legs around me."

Hermione sucked in a breath as she moved to do as he asked, she placed a kiss at the corner of his mouth once she was settled. She found his mouth again with her lips, she didn’t have to seek entrance, he opened to her. Slowly she paid the same attention to his mouth as he had to hers, trying to memorize every dark corner, his grip on her tightened.

Severus allowed her the same as she gave to him, allowing her to trace every forgotten place in his mouth. When her tongue lightly ran across the roof of his mouth he pulled her tighter to him, that one simple action sent a jolt of desire right to his cock making it twitch. How he had lived this long, and she was the only one who ever did that he had no idea.

When she moved to kiss along his jaw line he whispered to her,

"Hold on tight, don’t let go."

Hermione had no idea what he had meant until a moment later he stood with her wrapped around him. Making her give a small squeal, she looked in to his eyes she watched as they crinkled at the edges in humor. She laid her head against his neck as he carried her to the bedroom.

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Chapter 24

He set her on her feet when they reached the side of the bed, he took her face in his hands just looking into her eyes. He couldn’t deny he had missed her every minute they had been apart, he had longed for this day for longer than he would ever admit to her. She was so beautiful, he couldn’t believe that she wanted him. She asked him to love her, he would until there was not a breath left in his body.

Hermione looked into his eyes, letting all her defenses go in her mind. If he wanted to know anything, now was the time that he could find it all out. She would lay herself bare to him, it was a very unusual feeling after spending the last four years guarded in her mind. But she still didn’t feel him there, it was almost like he didn’t want to know, or that he was finding all his answers in her eyes. She moved her hands to his waist, spanning her hands as far as she could. She couldn’t cover as much area as he could, but she wanted to touch as much of him as she could.

Severus moved his hands to her shoulders, turning her so her back was to him. He wrapped an arm around her pulling her back against him tightly before using his other hand to move her hair over her shoulder giving him access to her neck. He gave her neck a light kiss, before using his nose to brush against her neck from her ear to the collar of her shirt. He took in her smell, one that he would never forget, had never forgotten. She had always smelled of strawberries and vanilla. It was a smell that whenever he caught a whiff of it in the last few years it brought her image to mind.

Hermione shivered as his breath moved down her neck, she moved her head more to the side to allow him more room. She laid her hand on his holding her to him, her other hand found its way into his hair. When he nipped where her neck and shoulder met she groaned, as it sent a trail of heat to her lower belly. When his hand under hers moved up a fraction to trace light touches under her breast she whimpered leaning back against him more.

Severus let her small sounds, and breathing guide him. He constantly was telling himself to take is slow when all he wanted was to strip her naked, then throw her on the bed and enter her. That wouldn't do demonstrate to her his love for her. He wanted to worship her body, give her the attention that she deserved. Show her that he loved her without end. He dropped the hand that was around her lower to the hem of her shirt, her hand moved up on his arm as he took the hem in his hand pulling up on it as he stepped back to pull the garment over her head. He dropped the shirt on the floor, looking back down over her shoulder he groaned at the sight that greeted him. She was wearing a red bra outlined in black lace, seeing his angel in such a thing made a fire shoot though him causing him to grind into her back side.

She moaned when she felt his very hard cock pressing into her back, she turned to face him. Moving her hands to his waist she pulled on his shirt saying to him in a husky voice that she barley recognized,

"Off, I want to feel your skin on mine."

Severus closed his eyes at her words, tipping his head back slightly while his hands found the top buttons of his shirt while hers pulled the tails out of his pants before she started on the bottom buttons. When their hands met he took hers in his bringing them to his lips placing light kisses on the back of her fingers on both hands. Letting go of her hands he pulled the sides of his shirt apart, then off his shoulders dropping it to the floor along with hers.

Hermione's eyes never left his as he removed his shirt, once he dropped the garment her hands found their way to his chest. She laid them flat against him, then moved them down his body watching his reaction to her touch. She watched as his eyes closed slowly, as his breath hitched as she ran her fingers across his nipples. As her hands moved lower she moved them around to his sides to his back pulling him close to her. She felt his arms come around her pulling her closer to him, she laid her head on his chest as she breathed in. He smelled of potions ingredients as he always did, then something spicy caught her notice, it must be his aftershave. She felt him kiss the top of her head before he pulled back turning her again bringing her back against him splaying his hand across her belly.

Severus felt her shiver when he pulled her against him, he would give anything to keep her facing him, but at the moment he couldn’t, and keep things slow as they are. When he felt her wiggle against him he bent over nipping her shoulder before running his tongue over the spot to soothe it. He moved his other hand around her, bringing it to her breast cupping and her giving a gentle squeeze before his thumb found her nipple teasing it into a hard peak, moving his hand he paid the same attention to the other one before kissing her shoulder up to her neck.

Hermione let go of the breath she didn’t know she had been holding when he ran his thumb across her nipple, it sent shocks from his thumb to between her legs causing another tightness in her lower stomach. She laid her head back on his shoulder as he moved his hand up to her throat, ghosting his fingers back down to the clasp of her bra between her breasts. He pinched the clasp open, then pulling back one cup. She heard his breathing increase when he looked down at her now uncovered breast.

"Beautiful." He whispered in her ear, and in that moment she became very self conscious. She knew she was scared, it had never really bothered her but now what if-- Severus interrupted her thoughts.

"Hermione?" She must have done something to alert him to her unease of him seeing her naked. She moved her head off his chest looking down at herself wondering if he even noticed yet. She tried to cover by removing her bra, but when he pulled her back against his chest he quietly said close to her ear where she could feel his breath making her shiver.

"You are my beautiful angel."

His words, his hands rubbing her belly and breast lightly made her forget her concern. Didn’t she feel a few scars on his chest, she didn’t even look. She didn’t care.

Severus was sure she was worried about her scar, like he could say anything. He had his own scars, she acted as if she didn’t notice them. He would do the same, it wasn’t long before she was against him again. His hands slowly mapping her body in his mind, cataloging every touch that made her whimper, shiver, moan, or her breath catch. He moved his hand on her belly lower, causing her muscles to tighten then relax.

His hands on her felt so right, it felt as if all her nerves were alive with pleasure. She wished he would hurry, then she was glad that he was taking this so slow. She was so turned on by how he was taking the time to touch her, to let her feel him against her back. Yes she wished she was facing him, but then again this was also very erotic with his erection at her back, him pushing his hips into her back when something he did caused a reaction in her. His hand moved lower, her muscles tightened in anticipation of his touch lower. Her mind screaming 'yes…lower', but he stopped just at the waist band of her shorts dipping two fingers under it then back out to ghost his fingers over her skin.

On his next movement of his hands down he passed the waist of her shorts to move his hand lower, he moved his hand to slip a finger between her thighs, pressing into her as he drug his hand back up. She jerked against him gasping. He smiled, it might have been only a minor tremor, but he was the cause. In her ear he whispered.

"The first of many."

"Oh God." She let out on a breath before turning in his arms, she reached for his belt.

He put his hands over hers, she looked up at him with a such a look of desire, lust, love, longing that he almost gave in, almost.

"Slowly." He said to her, he wanted this to last. He wanted to last, knowing that the moment he felt her against him the real fight against his body's own needs would be here. He knew how to make himself last, but not for long, and defiantly not when he was this turned on. "I want to be buried in you."

"Yes." She hissed as she slowly undid his pants pushing them down.

Once Severus kicked his shoes off, and stepped out of his pants he turned her pulling her against him again. He licked a line on her neck from her ear to across her shoulder as his hands found their former place on her.

Hermione reached to push her short down when his hands stopped her,

"No, you’re my gift to unwrap."

She groaned as she laid her head back against his shoulder, he slipped his hand under the waistband of both her shorts and knickers. When he lightly brushed her curls she whimpered, when his hand dipped lower he groaned closing his eyes, she was so wet. He took several deep breaths stilling his hand to gain control of himself. When he pushed his hand lower running a finger into her folds, pulling it across her clit making her yelp before he hooked his thumbs in to the waist band pushing them down to where they fell to the floor, she stepped out of them.

Severus held her tight against him as he dipped his hand back to her quim again, slipping his finger between her folds. Slowly he slipped his finger into her, pulling back out making her gasp. Her hands came behind her pulling down on the waist band of his boxers. He helped her pull them down until they fell to the floor.

She moved back against him, capturing his cock between her back and his stomach. He tightened his arm around her under her breasts, his other hand moved down between her legs again. His fingers slipped into her, he pulled them up circling her clit. She writhed against him, causing a delicious friction against his cock.

He held her tightly, as he moved his finger over her clit. She jerked against him, moving up, and down in the little room he gave her. In her ear he whispered,

"Yes Sweetness, come for me."

His body moved of its own accord, his hips making small jerking motions against her back as she gasped. When she flung herself back against him they both climaxed. She gave a small cry as he grunted sinking his teeth into her neck.

He slowed his movements on her clit, but made sure he carried out her climax until she jerked saying,

"No more." In a broken voice as she tried to regain her breath.

He held her to him, as they both came down from their peaks. Finally he kissed the side of her neck saying.

"I'm nowhere near done with you tonight."

He bent over taking his wand cleaning her back, and his cock before he turned her pulling her to him. He noticed his hands shaking as he threaded his fingers in her hair pulling her to him to capture her mouth in a searing kiss.

He backed her toward the bed, he had plans to taste her. To lick her until she begged him to stop.

Hermione's knees hit the edge of the bed, she slowly sat down as he knelt in front of her. Their mouths never parting, when he finally did pull back from her she said,

"I need water." Her mouth felt dry, and she was sure it was from all the panting she had done.

"Be right back." He said to her as he stood.

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, ms_nimue, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Chapter 25

She hadn’t meant for him to go get it, but then maybe that was for the best. She didn’t think she'd be able to walk on her own at the moment. Talk about making someone weak kneed, she laid back on the bed throwing her arm over her eyes. Her body still gave small jerks when his words came to her again. He wasn’t done with her yet, damn he had already gave her more than anyone else ever had, and there was still more to come.

Severus came back into the room with a glass of water for her, a plate of some cheese and crackers for both of them. He stopped when he saw her laying there with her arm over her eyes.

She heard him stop at the door, moving her arm she looked at him causing her stomach to flip at the sight. God he was sexy, maybe not in the conventional sense but to her he was. She had dated some, even slept with a few. Most would be called pretty boys, and not one of them had anything on Severus Snape. Yes she got off more times than not, but not one of them had ever paid the attention to her that he just had, and he had more planned. She had to be the luckiest witch in the world at this moment. She smiled at him, she loved him more than he would ever understand.

"What's wrong Sweetness?" he asked as he came into the room setting the plate on the bedside table, handing her the glass of water.

"I was just thinking how lucky I am, this morning I was depressed. I thought there really was no one out there for me, that I had missed my chance when you…well when I thought you died. This afternoon I was so angry at you for making me think you were dead for so long. You have no idea how hard it was living when I…" she trailed off not able to tell him how much she wanted to stop living, the only thing that kept her moving through the day was the memory he had given Harry about her. "Then you…you give me more than I ever thought any one person could give to another, and say we are nowhere near done yet."

Severus knelt at her feet, taking the empty glass from her he sat in on the table before taking her hands in his. He looked up into her eyes,

"It was a miscommunication, when I said I would come here every month at the appointed time until the end. I meant until the end of time, not the end of the war. It was my own fault for not being more specific about what I meant. I never meant for you to think I was dead, never." He brought her hands to his lips kissing them lightly as her grip tightened on his hands. He looked up at her to see tears in her eyes, he reached up lightly running the backs of his fingers over her cheek.

Hermione let go of his hand throwing her arms around his neck pulling him up on the bed with her, she couldn’t say anything at the moment. Not one word would make it past the lump in her throat, all she could do was hold him close to her. A tear slipped from the corner of her eye, he wiped it away before lowering his head to hers kissing her lightly, slowly.

Severus ran his hand down her body slowly, stopping to ghost his fingers over her nipples making her draw in a breath. She was so responsive to just the lightest touch from him. He broke the kiss, lightly raining kisses down her jaw to her ear, down her neck. He wanted to taste every part of her, he wanted to glide his tongue over every inch of her body. He kissed to her nipple, flicking it with his tongue as his hand took her other nipple rolling it lightly between his thumb and first finger. She arched into his mouth. He nipped at her nipple then laved it with his tongue soothing it, he paid the same attention to the other one making her arch again.

He nibbled down her body making her belly tighten under his hands, he passed over her center to move to her thighs. He moved to kneel on the floor between her legs, he licked behind her knee making her jump before placing her foot on the bed, he did the same to the other side before running his tongue up her thigh. When he reached her quim he breathed deeply, he loved the smell of her. He looked up at her, she was looking down at him the desire she was feeling was written over her face. Somehow he knew it was a look reserved just for him.

Hermione watched him as he took a deep breath through his nose, he was smelling her. The knowledge of seeing him do this caused a bolt shoot up her spine, and back to her cunt causing more moisture to gather there. He looked so intent in what he was doing, giving her the attention she had never had before there. He looked up at her, she sucked in a breath at the look in his eyes, call it desire, lust? She had no idea, but if she could make him look at her like that forever she would take it. She watched as he used his fingers to part her, then as he ran his tongue from top to bottom. She wanted to see the look on his face when he looked up but she had to close her eyes to the sensation he caused in her. When she looked back at him he said,

"Sweetness."

Severus knew she'd taste divine, he knew once would not be enough. A lifetime of tasting her would never be enough, he ran his tongue through her again before settling on using his tongue in, and out of her. The small sounds she made drove him on, he had to make her come again. He wanted to send her to the edge, and over it until she told him to stop. She arched up into his mouth, "Oh fuck."

He could feel her tighten around his tongue, he slowed his ministrations. Letting her calm, he watched as she came back to herself. He gave her a kiss to her thigh, "You are so beautiful when you break."

Hermione had no time to even consider an answer as his mouth was back on her quim, he licked her folds before he flicked his tongue out at her clit making her arch off the bed. She felt him put first one then another finger in her before he whimpered against her, he latched onto her clit alternating between flicking with his tongue, light sucking, and laving it.

Severus moved his arm around her hips to keep her from moving away from him as she bucked under his mouth. She thrashed on the bed as he found that spot inside her that would bring her the best release. Her hands found their way into his hair pulling him closer to her as she ground herself into his face. When she broke apart this time she called out his name, he slowed his movements again as she panted. He finally removed his fingers from her, kissing up her body then moving her up onto the bed.

Slowly he made his way back to her mouth, kissing her deeply so she could taste herself on his tongue. When he pulled back kissing back to her ear her breathing was normal again he whispered to her.

"I'll never have enough of you on my tongue, you taste so sweet."

He gave her time to calm, to be ready for him. His cock was so hard from the moment she shoved her quim into his face. He ran his hands over her body as he let her rest, he placed kisses on her body as she laid there with her eyes closed. He had no idea what she was thinking, he didn’t know if he wanted to know. Finally he started talking to her in a low whisper.

"I want to feel you wrapped around me as I move in you."

Hermione whimpered at his words.

He moved to settle between her legs, he kissed her stomach moving up until she said,

"Damn it, wait."

He looked up at her, wondering what made her stop him.

"Left side, top drawer." She had tried but she couldn’t reach the drawer.

Severus leaned over opening the drawer wondering what was so important that she stopped him. He couldn’t see in the drawer so he reached in pulling out a foil packet, sitting back up he looked at her not wanting to voice the question.

Hermione sighed she had wondered how much trouble she would get over this,

"One, we have not talked about anything like children. Two, I haven’t got a potion on me, and haven’t taken one for a few years. Three, I doubt you've taken a potion either."

He looked between the packet in his hand and her, finally he said.

"When did you put them here?"

"A few months before the end of the war, I had hoped you would change your mind. Severus I had to have some kind of hope then."

He laughed then, she gave him a look that told him that she thought he was making fun of her. He picked up his wand that had ended up beside her on the bed.

"Accio wallet." When his wallet slapped into his hand he opened it, digging a little he brought out a foil packet holding it up for her to see saying, "Yes Sweetness, we all had to have some kind of hope then."

"You mean…"

"I couldn’t get my hands on a potion without question, I figured you were not taking it at the time. And yes I thought that one time I would become weak…no not weak, that I would give in to what I wanted, you. But when that happened, you stopped it that night."

"Because I knew I wasn’t taking the potion, and had no back-up." She told him with a smile, "Maybe it is true, great minds think alike."

"Yes they do." He said, "This time, later we will brew the potions that we need."

She sucked in a breath as he ran his hand down her body from her throat to her belly. He slipped his hand lower using his thumb on her clit making her jerk on the bed. He leaned over her kissing her deeply, taking his time, taking the time to bring them back to where they were.

"Severus, please stop teasing me."

He sat up on his knees, placing the condom on is cock before he leaned over her. He kissed her as he lined himself up to her, then he pulled back looking down at her.

"Hermione, look at me."

She opened her eyes looking into his, he slipped into her body.

"God, you're so tight. So wet."

He laid over her supporting his weight on his elbows as she buried his face in her neck, finally he said.

"Better than I dreamed, I could stay like this forever."

Hermione tightened her stomach muscles causing him to jerk. He looked down into her eyes,

"Move your arse Severus, I've waited years for this." She told him as she squeezed him again.

"Witch." He said as he pulled out slowly to enter her fully again.

Hermione wrapped her legs around his waist, and her arms around his neck as he moved in her. He tried to keep the slow pace but found his  control slipping the more she sound she made.

"I can't…"

"Severus, let go." She told him.

His control broke in the moment, he moved in her erratically pumping his cock in her, grinding his pelvic bone against her clit. The more she gasped, the more his control slipped until he only wanted to break her to find his own release.

Hermione met his every thrust, raising her hips to his until her climax came upon her quickly and she was screaming his name as he thrust into her. She heard him call her name as he thrust into her hard, then came the smaller thrusts until he dropped on top of her breathing heavily.

Severus felt her shaking before he fully came back to himself, he looked at her. He started to move when she tightened her hold on him, he took his wand vanishing the condom and cleaning himself before he moved off of her pulling her against him tightly.

He knew that all the tension breaking would bring tears after a strong climax, what surprised him more was when she reached up to brush his own tears from his face. He turned his face kissing her palm before asking,

"Do you feel loved my Angel?"

Her eyes widened before she said,

"Very much so, do you?"

"Very much so." He answered before laying beside her pulling the covers up over them and drifting off to sleep.

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; ms_nimue, expectosemprapatronum, rose_stonewall, of_anoesis, Elisabeth, & Marina. Who all worked on the betaing of this fic (you really don’t want to know why so many) I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Alone Epilogue

_22 years later_

Hermione stood next to Severus on platform nine and three quarters, watching their children with their eyes wide as they took in all that was around them. Hermione remembered her first time here, to Jacob and Jenna she said.

"Wait until you get your first look at the castle, it is unforgettable. Now remember to tell Hagrid that Hermione said hello."

"Yes mum." They answered in unison, it was always strange to her to hear them do that, it reminded her of Fred and George so much.

"Daddy?" Jenna said as she looked up to him. He bent down to her to be better able to hear her, she was so quiet at times like him.

"Yes Jenna?"

"You don’t think…will Jake and I be in the same house you think?"

One thing having children of his own had taught him was patience, Jenna was always quiet and unsure of her words. He wasn’t always like that, but Hermione told him that he needed to allow Jenna to speak in her own time or he was going to cause the girl damage. She may have told him at the time what would happen but he really didn’t listen at the time. The one thing he swore to her was that he would never damage their children as he was when he was a child. So he learned to wait out his daughter, to allow her to speak in her own time.

"I do not know, but I would think even if you are not you know Jake will always be there for you."

Hermione had watched the exchange between Severus and Jenna, she smiled. He was so very different with his own children than he had ever been with students or even adults. He would be loathed to admit it but his children had him wrapped around their little fingers, both of them though she wouldn’t call it that he his favorite was Jenna. They strove to treat both equally, Hermione thought it was important especially since they were a boy and girl.

"There's Uncle Harry Mum." Jake said at her side, she looked over seeing Harry and Ginny walking toward them with James, Al, and Lily. The kids went to one another talking about their last days of summer.

"I just do not understand how they can have so much to say to one another, did they not just spend a week together?" Severus said.

"In their small worlds many things happen in a matter of hours." Hermione said before she hugged Harry and Ginny.

Hermione had kept quiet in the wizarding world along with Severus, the only magical people they even associated with on any kind of regular basis was Harry and Ginny and it suited them just fine. Severus wanted nothing more in life after the war than to research potions, they moved into the cottage making the cellar into a potions lab for him. Hermione decided to do spell research, they had built her a shed in the back yard. The few neighbors they had, all Muggle, thought that he was a research chemist and that Hermione wrote technical books.

Their life had been…calm, after the nine years Hermione had spent in the thick of the wizarding world she liked her quiet life, and Severus didn’t care to see many people at all though he did make an exception for Harry and family and Draco and family.

"Oi, Harry." A voice said making them all turn to look.

Hermione felt Severus' hand on the back of her neck as they watched Ron approach them, Ron was one person that really didn’t know anything about Hermione's life. As far as she knew he didn’t even know that she had been with Severus for the last twenty two years. She saw his eyes brighten when they landed on her, until he saw who was standing at her side.

"What's going on?" Ron asked.

"We are sending our children to Hogwarts, it's the reason we are all here is it not?" Hermione asked him, yes at times she took on some of Severus' qualities.

"But that's…"

"I'm well aware of who my husband is Ron."

"Husband?" Hermione could see all the questions that crossed Ron's face but she chose to ignore them when the train whistle blew. She turned to find her children, taking them in her arms she said.

"I love you both very much." She let them go, Jenna went to Severus for a hug. He bent down then picked her up hugging her.

"I'm scared Daddy." His daughter said to him in a whisper.

"There is nothing to be afraid of, but if you ever need us you know we will come, always." He kissed his daughters cheek before setting her back on the ground so she could hug her mother. He hugged his son, another thing that Hermione and his children taught him was that public displays of affection were perfectly fine. He loved his family without end, and he was not afraid to show them or anyone that he did.

Severus wrapped his arm around Hermione as they watched Jacob and Jenna board the train, then as it pulled away. Once it was out of sight Hermione turned into his chest, he wrapped his arms around her. He knew this was going to be hard on them both, they had talked about it enough over the years.

"You know they will be fine, they have good friends, and each other." Severus told her before kissing the top of her head. She looked up at him to see the tears in his eyes, she reached up laying her hand on his cheek.

Potter came up to them with only his wife. "Lunch is on me." He said to them before walking away from them.

"Shall we wife?" Severus said, once they started walking toward the exit he leaned down to whisper to Hermione, "we have the house to ourselves again, I believe tonight I am going to love you in every room but ours."

"I love you, Severus."

"Without end."

 

 

 


End file.
